Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-11-14 02:01:49 (UTC)

Random

I'm just going to type and get this out of my head. It might be a little
strange. Just read a long and enjoy the story.

I don't know what happened, but I let her take over again. Usually I can
supress her for a while. This time she snuck in quietly and took over
without a word. Her name is not important and I will not reveal it here.
What is important is her relation to me. You might call her my other
half. My supressed self.

I met her nearly 4 years ago. My life was all messed up and crazy from
having lost three family members. I needed a way to release myself. A
way to let go of my inner rage. She originally was simply an outward
expression of what I wanted to feel.

She was strong, out going and willing to try anything. Through her I
learned of my kinky side. She showed me the joys or reading about and
seeing images of people bound and tortured. We started off simple
enough. Just joining a couple yahoo groups and calling it good. It
wasn't enough for me though. I had to keep going. I had to push my
mind to the limits. We went from simple rope bondage to torture and
beyond. I've discovered I'm not really into snuff, but I do admit to
reading about it now and then.

When this all started I was weak. I was the same shy little girl who had
only dated one guy. The same girl who turned down cyber sex when
asked the first time. Sex was something I knew very little about. It was
not something I though about much. I had no need or want to.

She and I would keep visiting yahoo groups and reading about new and
interesing fetishes. We kept joining more lists to feed our hunger to see
more; to feel more. I was beginning to discover my sexual feelings. All
the things I had supressed for years were coming to the surface and
begging to be let out.

That year I got a beautiful pink vibrator for my birthday. It would be my
rise and my downfall. I enjoyed my short time with it. In the heat of the
moment the next year it would fail me. I should have taken that as a
sign, but I didn't stop. With her cheering me on I ignored my broken
vibrator and went ahead. I participated in cyber sex for the first time.
Really getting into it with a friend of mine.

Little did I know I was opening a can of worms I still have yet to close.
She stood beside me and pushed me gently forward. Urging me to do
something new and get drunk. My life was fucked so I went with it. I
invited my friend over for a night of drinking.

I had to supress her voice in my head. She kept telling me I wanted to be
with that man. That I wanted to do something crazy, but I didn't believe
her. I supressed her ideas and went on with my dull life.

Every time I surpressed her she tried to push me deeper and deeper into
our world of fetishes and sexual urges. She tried to drag me down into
the depths of that world and make me want to dominate.

I got my friend to play along once. She told me I should push a little and
see if he would call me Mistress. It was easier than I ever imagined. It
was also a bigger thrill than I had expected.

I don't know when she managed to get such a hold over my life. I do
know she snuck in and pushed me to my limits. She got me to open up
sexually to my friend and later another guy. The other guy would have
been a great friend if we'd left out the sexual stuff. She would have none
of that and pushed me to be open with him. To send him images I would
never send to anyone. Not my boyfriend or other close friends who I
have shared much of myself with.

Her greed cost us a good friendship. She didn't stop there. She urges
me to look for him. To seek him out. I try not to listen to her anymore.
She talks of dirty things like exposing myself to him. She speaks of me
attacking him like he wished I would. I can't do any of that. I'm not sure
I'll even be able to face him when I do see him again.

I try to ignore her. I try to get back to that pure and innocent person I
was before meeting her. I know I can't go back. There is too much of
her in me now. She has such a tight hold on me. I try to supress the
feelings she plants in me. At times I want to kill her. To free myself
from her hold.

A sick part of me loves being a slave to her every whim. When she
choses a fetish off we go looking for it. We must satsify ourselves. We
must feed our minds with the images and stories.

Some day I will shake her. I will be my own person again. I can never go
back to who I once was, but I can try to shake the slut. The slut that has
a deep hold on my life.

Hope you enjoyed the little story.