2003-11-13 05:38:15 (UTC)

no title this time

where does time go/ i really thought today id do everything
i wanted to do... but now im tired and lazy and cant
finish... lets recap. i walked to from the train to my
parents house. it was a lovely night. mild, foggy day.
walking across the bridge today was all romantic... looked
like the city was all misty... the sun was soft... they
put the lights on early...
anyway i chatted with grandma a bit... andy a bit... dad
came home and we drove my laundry and shelves back to my
apartment... i stuck the chelves in.. cleaned a bit, cooked
some dinner (grandma was cooking fried chicken and im
trying to do the healthy thing)did my mound of stinkin
dishes that ive been avoiding as usual... watched
friends... wrote m. an email... pulled out what books i
want on these new shevles above the computer desk... im
trying to create a "writing space" so i stuck some of my
favorite books up there... funny... looking at em now... i
like it there, its perfect...and now i have some more room
to empty out the rest of the books into the bookcases but
that cant happen for now... tomorrow... my apartment is
really starting to feel like its mine... i used to feel in
my old room at home.. (when did i first move out? almost a
year ago?) that my room was a reflection of myself/// when
i walked in, or really looked at the walls, the furniture..
i used to sometimes think "this is me, this is who i am" my
room was kinda like my mirror... i didnt feel that at all
in my last apartment cause ugh i hated my last apartment...
but here... its starting to feel that way. it feels like
home. i really love it here. i add tiny new touches
everyday...still have to complete the bedroom area and this
computer area but its good for now... in the living room
area (its kinda all just one big room) above the futon i
have just one framed picture of one of the van gogh olive
tree fields... i just love this painting, i always have,
every time i look at it i feel like im inside of it... can
almost hear the wind blowing...
now i just gotta think what else to put around thiss desk
area... i wanted , initially, to put some pics from bermuda
up... ive taken really beautiful pictures there... i also
wanna frame this awesome pic i took at yankee stadium and
put that up... (i also wanna fucking get back into
photography... i might have to take one of those icp
classes...also am going to have to build the darkroom again
in the basement at the parents house...which is annoying..
but my dad is looking around for a car for me so that will
make life easier... going back and forth... im such a
disgusting spoiled brat... i feel racked up with guilt
these days about the measly amount of money i make... but
i cant even think about switching jobs.. i LOVE this job...
so lets push this thought aside again... )

ive been real good this week. well. for the most part.

im astounded by the difference these book shelves make. i
feel them there. they feel like ME. I am in those books.
my head wound is ITCHING . i guess this means its healing
but its ITCHING.
ms rita has been calling me alot... she called last night
and even tho i was exhausted i talked to her for over an
hour... more parallels about us, and about the men.

briefly talked to chris again today. only for a few minutes
online... all he did was ask more questions about marco and
finally i was like "why do you want to know, why do you
keep asking me this, i dont ask about the girls you are
with, cause i just dont wanna know... what are you asking
all these questions for?" he didnt really say but at least
i didnt get that bowling ball feeling in my stomach that i
did last time. i waited a good half hour before i initially
answered him, then was like fuck it whatever.

speakin of bowling balls, i watched bowling foor columbine
last night and was really blown away. honestly sometimes i
am annoyed my micheal moore but i finally caved, saw this
movie and it was really... just so crazy. i mean, it was
hysterical at times but just cause its such a JOKE how
TWISTED alot of the people in this country are... its
always amazed me to think about how the bulkof the rest of
the country is just nothing at all like how it is here...
they are all hicks... and it was just so unsettling...
really made me wanna move to canada... i was telling my dad
about it on the way to work today... was telllling him how
the whole point of the movie was trying to figure out why
there are all these murders with guns... why little kids
are killing eachother here and nowhere else... the
statistics were so fucked up... my dad offered his
opinion "its cause the leftover scum from every other
country in the world comes here." i thought that was

tomorrow rita and i are having a rita and sara night... i
am excited.. feel like i havent seen her in forever....

what else...
i got observed at work again... yesterday... by the main
boss, the big kahuna...(the one i will have to ask whenever
i get up the guts to ask for a raise) and he pretty much
said the same thing as the last lady... that i was doing
really well... he said ive matured alot... the atmosphere i
create with the kids is great.. the way i make them feel
comfortable, get them to think, never do the thinking for
them... made me feel nice. i need to be told that i am
doing a good job. i mean, the kids tell me sometimes , i
see former students in the hall sometimes and they come up
and hug me, its so cute.... these kids that have nothing.
have never been paid attention to. have been given the
shittiest education in the shittiest neighborhoods in the
shittiest schools never encouraged by anyone surrouned by
drugs and crime... the stories ive heard... how it was
either college or drug dealing.. i dont know i dont want
to leave that place... it really makes me feel good about
myself.. like i am doing something right

but see i dont go home and write. i told julie the other
day that if i was curing cancer all day i;d still feel
worthless if i wasnt writing... maybe once my "writing
area"is completed?

hahahah, in time, in time, i will///

my alarm (the mechanical one, not the sweet as cherry pie
with ice cream (slightly melted) human marco one) went on
this morning playing "landslide" by fleetwood mac which i
love. love that song. its one of those songs that make me
swoon. makes me getthat unbearable pain look on my face
cause it for some reason makes me feel so much... another
one is "have you ever seen the rain" by ccr... oh god if
that song comes on at a bar or anything i have to stop
everyhing and wail along... then theres thunderroad... of
course (i just put it on... the live version...)

my god, this song.
"the screen door slams,
mary's dress waves"

so simple. but you can see it can't you? you can see her
coming through that door and dancing across the porch.

"im no hero, thats understood
all the redemption i can offer is beneath this dirty hood
with a chance to make it good somehow
hey what else can we do now?
except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your
the nights busted open and these two lanes will take us
anywhere... we got one last chance to make it real.. to
trade in these wings for some wheels... climb in back ,
heavens waitin down on the track........