A Dreamer's Playground
Ad 0: - Modern SaaS monitoring for your servers, cloud and services
2003-11-12 09:41:24 (UTC)


A little off my promised topic here, but the "men of
my life" update will be written later... reason one, being
that I just talked to a man who ... well I gave the link to
this site to... and number two, he asked that when I write
about him I be fully honest and open ... and in talking to
him ... I feel the desire to write all about him...
(knowing that he is going to read this makes me a tad
hesitent, but I'm not going to censor my feelings here...)
so here goes nothing ...

Nearly a year ago, I met Martin. Never did I call him
this, I affectionately called him Marty. I met him online
on one of those dating sites... I just wanted to meet
friends or perhaps a boyfriend... I had lied about my
age... I had a year until I'd be 18 and you can't sign up
to those sites without being 18 right? But I wanted to
meet people from my area!!! I just didn't know how else to
go about it more easily so amazed was I at my results of
meeting somebody a hop, skip & a jump from my house... also
living three doors down from a good friend of mine...
Anyway... I first met him with the bribe of a promised
massage as his insentive to come over... I remember sitting
by my window staring out like a faithful little puppy dog,
waiting for his arrival... butterflies in my stomach and
worries and doubts in my head... "Will he actually show
up?" ... "Will he like the way I look?" ... "What will
happen tonight?" ... "Will my mom wake up and find out I'm
hanging out with an older man and get mad at me?"
Too many thoughts, too much worrying... perhaps just
too much anticipation. Now I'll admit ... and I'll feel
like scum for the fact that I had ever felt it more than
the fact that I'm admitting it ... I was a little
disappointed in what I saw. I ... am a jerk. Judging by
the cover ... God it's situations like those that make me
realize how horrible and judgemental I can be sometimes...
Have you ever just looked at somebody and thought you
didn't like them or would never like them but got to know
them and they ... were just somebody you'd NEVER give back
the experience of getting to know them for anything. Now I
never just thought that I didn't like him or anything ... I
don't know ... I think I just expected some hottie to come
waltzing to my doorstep and sweep me off my feet. Instead
I got my own witty, charming, adorable ... and lovable
I suppose the first night in some ways was where it
all went wrong... I mean it started out fine ... first I
snuck him up to my room and just sort of hung on his arm
while he payed attention to my dog until he calmed down
from seeing a new person... I remember he looked back at me
and was said, "So this is you being shy?" ... I just sort
of laughed and replied that he ... sort of reminded me of a
good friend of mine and that's probably why I felt
comfortable around him to begin with.
I don't think the idea of a massage slipped his mind
for a moment because he soon mentioned that I had promised
him one ... it was a nice way to help break any small
tention and warm up to him... I mean imagine that you are
me... you like giving massages and you're just
concentrating on doing just that... not much else to think
or worry about.. ha.
The evening was excellent mind you ... there was
nothing wrong with it ... but I only say that everything
probably went wrong there because we got sexual on the
first night...
I have to keep reminding myself that I do in fact have
the sex drive of a man... and I tend to start any sexual
experience first more than most men do! But I don't
know .. after a while my insecurities eat at me and I start
to not enjoy it as much because my mind wanders and I start
to ask myself if the relationship is mostly centered around
sex ... and if there's a lot of sex and not much
conversations or ... overwhelming feelings of ... being
loved and wanted and needed... I don't know ... in my
mind .. I start to feel cheap and I don't want to have sex
anymore ... at least not for a while... I get spiteful and
try to ban it for a while and just keep to myself.
One thing I keep forgetting is that whenever I think
anything bad is happening between me and my partner... I'M
TOO INSECURE TO TALK ABOUT IT! So in my mind I'm wandering
farther into anger and spite or sorrow when there's nothing
wrong really ... I'm just twisting everything around...
(okay off of my insecurities and back to Marty for a while)
Our first evening was in some ways ... perfect. I
hadn't slept that well in quite some while... After he left
I was just so fulfilled with satisfaction that I just
passed out sighing happily and exhausted... it was great...
I loved it.
We started to see each other more often... he'd pick
me up after work... being as how he worked an hour to an
hour and a half drive from home, he always came home some
what late... he'd pick me up and keep me for the night and
return me home in the morning...
I remember those nights waiting for him to pick me
up... so many times he'd be awefully late or ... I'd just
be staring out my window like that faithful puppy dog
still ... and waiting in silence? ... let me tell you ..
it's torture...
I was always so excited to see him again. I'd wait so
eagerly and it just tore at me to wait so long and stare
out my window and the cars driving by not be him. I'd
start to get really sad, but I swear as soon as it was him
who pulled up ... wow just imagine ... being able to get
whatever you wanted ... something that MEANT something to
you ... that's what it was ... I forgave his lateness in an
instant and grabbed my change of clothes and ran out the
door ecstatic ... if I'd have had a tail, trust me it would
have been wagging.
Also when he was late... he'd always have excellent
reasons ... so I could never be mad at him although at
times that's all I wanted to be right then...
I remember one night he didn't make it due to bad car
trouble ... I waited ... and waited ... and you know those
thoughts you think that grow worse and more horrible when
you need to know what happened but don't and so you let
your mind wander? Wow I was thinking them that night ... I
finally got online hoping that he'd be there ... wondering
WHAT could have kept him from showing up ... I got online
and he was there and I rememer being furious ...
thinking, "Why would he have gone home without picking me
up?? I'm waiting and waiting, worrying and eagerly waiting
to be in his arms and he didnt' even show up and he just
left me waiting here!?" But of course, he had an excellent
plauseable reason for not showing up so I couldn't be mad
right? ... so instead I instantly felt sad... I remember
crying because ... I just always waited so eagerly to see
him ... and he didn't show up... I told my friends I
couldn't hang out because I was going to see my baby that
night... I called them after I found out Marty wasn't
coming, and they invited me over again... but I declined
and spent the evening depressed and crying myself to
I get hurt too easily... I want things too strongly
and get far too disappointed when they don't happen. But I
suppose it's understandable as to why I was so immediately
attached to Marty... he was in fact my first real
boyfriend ... I've had sex with guys before but ... I never
actually dated them ... they were more like short
flings ... or my first which was ... ugh *shudders* an
agonizing experience... but we'll get back to Robert
Collwell later. All I'm saying now was that it lasted much
longer than a fling does, however it meant NOTHING to
him... some men are such scum.
Martin... was sweet ... sensual... adorable ...
childish at times yes... but I like that. Sometimes he was
a bit too serious... and I hate that he doesn't like to be
tickled... I love to tease guys like that... He ...
actually didn't seem to like too much of my teasing ...
occasionally he'd just get snippy with me when I was
childishly teasing him... I was just really trying to be
cute... he ... just got so annoyed easily at times ... his
responses were like a kick to the face... a stinging
ouch ... what'd I do? ... with small tears forming at the
corner of your eyes... along with your happy teasing mood
I never experienced his morning anger until I moved in
with him... his roommate had moved to New Jersey because
they were losing the house ... and his brother had moved to
New York with his dad because number one he didn't want to
end up homeless by Marty's lack of apartment searching ...
and two ... because he was lazy and didn't want to do any
housekeeping ... which was all Marty asked of him as a
payment for living with him .. to either keep the place
remotely decent or if he wasn't going to lift his lazy
little fingers than pay for the use of utilities... which
is quite understandable and a great deal for his
brother ... but he just never saw how easy he had it I
guess so he ran off to live with his daddy.
I moved in with Marty to keep him company so he
wouldn't be lonely and because quite frankly my work was a
ten minute walk from his house ... no more begging my
sister to drive me or bribing her with money to take me or
pick me up .. no more hard relentless days of drive thru
customers and then having to call 7 houses to find my
sister because I needed her to pick me up. It was quite a
relief ... that and I got to sleep beside Marty nearly
every night (at first) and when he wasn't home for the few
hours in between when I got off work and he got home from
his job, I didn't mind ... I loved the chance to FINALLY
have some time to myself ... something I NEVER got at my
I remember the first few days ... I loved cooking for
us ... mind you I hated our kitchen because it was infested
with fruit flies which I later fixed by going on a killing
spree by spraying them with orange 409 cleaner because I
sprayed some and they couldn't fly and I could see they
were dying so as you can imagine this little devilish grin
came to my face and i went on a rampage murdering all those
aggitating little bastards lol (but that's way besides like
any point)... I loved playing house wife... cleaning and
seeing just how much potential the house really had when
some effort was put into it ... cooking for my baby (with
what little cooking skills I do possess) and sitting down
to watch a movie with him... ah the first few days were
such heaven ... entirely blissful in every experience.
I think what turned me mostly spiteful in any aspect
was that ... after a while ... I swear ... maybe it's my
paranoia ... but ... he'd start to get me horny ... I'd go
down on him ... then he'd roll over and fall asleep. I
mean once again a kick to the face. It just started
happening so frequently that ... I didn't want to please
him anymore ... I had unfulfilled sexual desires and ... I
started to notice that if he didn't please me first... I
wasn't going to get anything... it just made me angry ...
I'd hold off on pleasing him because I just hoped that my
resistance would give him insentive to start everything and
include me in the sex.... but eventually I'd go down on
him ... either from his asking or my strong need to please
my man and then it'd be over... he'd thank me, and we'd
kiss some but then I'd go to bed a bit angry and
Also after a while... he didn't come home as much... I
hated falling asleep on his bed without him... if I feel
asleep anywhere else in the house on the floor with some
blankets I was fine.. but if I cuddled under blankets on
his bed hoping to wake up to him crawling into bed beside
me and it didn't happen... wow I got depressed... I mean
before I lived with him that never happened.. when I was at
his house and asleep in his bed, he was there with me all
the time.... but also when it started that he stopped
pleasing me ... sometimes I spitefully preferred that he
didn't come home. He'd wake me up early ... 2 or 3 in the
morning, coming to bed ... and start playing with my
breasts or rubbing my thigh ... and I mean what else can
you expect from a woman but to start to flush with desires
stirring in your body... waking to arousal... and before I
noticed the pattern that was forming... I'd wake up and
start playing with him and go down on him... but then he'd
go to bed without pleasing me ... either because he needed
sleep for work or he didn't give a reason and it just
happened... a few times when he crawled into bed early and
started rubbing me.... I just curled a bit tighter in my
standard comfortable sleeping position and ignored him... I
hate that it came to that but ... I was just so angry at
him and I'd rather just fall asleep again rather than wake
up after one hour of dozing off to him coming home so I can
please him and him fall asleep.
But ... once again ... (this is a new concept he
mentioned to me that has me thinking a bit more clearly in
this aspect ... ) I never talked to him about anything
that bothered me .. I just bottled it up inside and got
more angry or sad or spiteful.
In the mornings ... when he'd be running late ... he'd
get really mean ... one morning he asked me to let him
sleep for ten minutes (i think it was) ... and ... he's
one to doze off a couple times before actually getting
up ... I figured... well he's exhausted... I'll give him an
extra five minutes ... thinking he'll get a BIT more rest
and probably get up more easliy ... and I kept a watch on
that time exactly... and as I was going in to check on
those extra five minutes which had just ended... he was up
looking at his clock and he was just so spiteful and
blaming me for letting him oversleep. He said that he was
going to rest for five more minutes ... and reluctantly I
asked if he wanted me to let him know when five minutes
were up ... and he just said, "Are you going to wake
me? ... because you really dropped the ball last
time." ... and I don't know .. just the way he said it ...
it was so spiteful .. that was the first time I heard him
speak to me like that ... it just cut right through me ...
I had to swallow a hard lump in my throat and I tried to
push it aside... I didn't know what to think about it ... I
got more angry than upset at first ... I didn't even kiss
him goodbye that morning ... I was angry at him and hurt.
Actually that was the first morning after I had just moved
in ... so that made me feel worse and instantly I worried
if maybe I shouldn't have moved in ...
After a while I just tried to avoid speaking to him in
the morning sometimes ... if he was running late, I'd just
curl back up in bed while he was running around and try to
pretend like I was falling back asleep ... just so he
wouldn't speak to me ... I didn't want him to blame me for
his being late ... it just hurt when he did ... he'd just
be so cruel.
Life has been so rough on me ... I don't think I deal
with my emotions well... I'm so fragile easily hurt and I
always contradict myself, my every though, my every
action ... I'm just insecure and I can cry in an instant.
It doesn't take much to hurt me.
One thing that I thought was kind of odd... and I
don't know if it was just me or what ... but sometimes ...
it just seemed like our kisses never matched... one of us
would kiss too long, and the other too short.. or one would
go for a peck and the other was just not ready for it so by
the time the other's lips would pucker a bit, the other
person was gone ... *smirks* ... it seemed to happen too
often ... and it happened with both his and my kisses ....

It wasn't all bad... that's for sure ... but you know
when you think one thing, it all leads one thought to the
other what made you sad or angry or hurt. And well that's
what just all came out there at once... but anyway ...

Have you ever... made love with somebody ... and it
was just so amazing ... and fulfilling ... and perfect ...
sweet and sincere... and ... just a breathtaking
experience? ... I had that many times with Marty.
I'm so shy and insecure that I'm afraid to speak my
true feelings to people ... so many times after we'd make
love... I'd lay there breathless ... and sighing so ...
entirely content and relaxed ... and the first thing trying
to roll off my lips would be, "I love you." ... but I
swear as soon as those words entered my mind that split
second before they could come out of my lips, my mouth
would immediately become dry and a lump would form in my
throat and ... my fear ... of admitting to loving
someone .. the fear of rejection and ... I don't know ..
all fears that come with the concept of loving somebody ...
they'd all swirl through my head so fast... it never failed
to happen ... and I just couldn't tell him I loved him. I
wanted to ... many times ... but I couldn't .. I'm so
afraid of that word ...
My one friend that I love so much .. I had a crush on
for a while ... it took me forever to even be able to say I
love you to him... and it was only because I cared so
deeply for him... not because I was dating him or
anything ... my emotions were just SO strong that when he'd
ask me what I was thinking ... so many times I never told
him the truth .. that I was thinking "I love you" ... I
couldn't bring myself to say it ... those words are just so
hard for me... I think it's because ... I'm so afraid of
the sincerity of men ... that I'm too afraid to take the
chance of saying how I feel .. Telling a man that you love
them .. and the chance being that they don't feel the
same... leaves you so vulnerable and fearful... I just
don't have the nerve to admit to loving...
One thing that really bothered me about my
relationship with Marty was ... I'm not sure how sincere I
was about him sometimes.... I think mainly because when we
were first sort of dating ... I left him to go out with a
guy at my work that I had a huge crush on ... but after
that didn't work out, I went back to Marty ... and he
accepted me with open arms... which was ... amazing ...
but ... how could I leave him once for another and have
strong feelings for him? I just doubt myself so much ...
I'm so confused when it comes to him ... sometimes I'm in
bliss and just dying to kiss him and tell him I love you
every few minutes ... or at least I'm feeling it the whole
time ... and other times like when he's angry in the
morning ... I hate being near him...
But that also confuses me! People say that you're
supposed to have arguments and situations like that when
you truly care about somebody ... so does that mean it's
stronger than I think ????? I don't know what to think
He could be so sweet though ... God .. I still
remember the first time he kissed my forehead while holding
me ... I just melted ... so instantly I love you just
filled my head and he just made me so happy ... ugh
just .... purely happy!
I always loved his fingers running along my sides and
back ... just sensual however innocent ... tingling and
sweet... any small kiss he'd place upon my body or
forehead .... entire bliss ...
Ha I just remembered the one night I spent lying
beside him in bed just talking ... and laughing about
everything .... just randomly quoting the muppets "Manah
Manah!" and his excited ramblings of funny things that
happened to him before ... with him and his friends and
stuff... it was so refreshing and ... just something that
almost never happened with us .. innocent and funny
conversations ... just cracking up about everything ... it
was great... I forget for certain.. but I'm pretty sure he
was tickling me that night too ... *smiles* I like to be
tickled ... I like just giggling and squirming and
squealing and just laughing and trying to stop his hands
while trying to act angry by smirking at him but my smile
always showing through it... I loved his arms around my
neck, kissing me so sweetly... just holding me close and
making me feel loved ... mocking him with my rudeness but
never meaning it and he'd always call me on it .. telling
me I was a wise ass... but that he loved it ... hehe ... I
miss him...

There was a lot of good ... and a lot of bad... it
could probably have been solved if we talked about
stuff ... most of what we did seemed to be watch movies,
cuddle, have sex or I'd be giving him a massage... and I
swear at times that seemed to be the basis of our
relationship ... and at times the same but with not so much
cuddling ... maybe I just misinterpreted a lot of things...
but I don't know ... sure the list of bad things is pretty
long ... but that's easy since I'm nit picking and rambling
specifics and my feelings ... my sorrowful feelings are all
I ever usually tend to go indepth on ... but there was just
as much good as bad ... I guarentee it ...
He was so sweet... one morning my family wouldn't pick
me up to take me to our familiy reunion because I had spent
the night at his house and it was out of their way ...
mainly it was because my mom's boyfriend didn't want to
come pick me up ... I just told them to nevermind and that
I'd get Marty to bring me later...
I couldn't stop crying ... I never got to see my mom
anymore .. her boyfriend controlled her every action and I
missed her so much ... that family reunion was the only
thing I had been dying to go to all year... I just bawled
and bawled... crying and spilling my thoughts ... about how
I never get to talk to my mom anymore and that I'm never
going to learn how to drive because my mom can't take me
out anymore because of her boyfriend being in on her every
free moment ... I just couldn't stop crying .... and he
held me the whole time ... that meant so much to me ... I
could never fully express how much. I needed him and he
was there for me. I was so hurt and he made everything
better... I cried so long but he just held me and let me
cry it all out ... all that I had been holding in ... I had
never been so hurt before ... and I wasn't used to having
somebody right there for me when I got hurt ... I just
broke down and everything came out ... because he was there
for me ... and he cared ... and I knew he loved me and
didn't want me to hurt...
Or at least I hoped that he loved me ... the big fear
of loving somebody ... Do they love you too ?
He just moved to New Jersey because he's losing the
house and he always tells me how much he is missing me ...
and it's weird because ... I haven't been thinking of him
all that much ... I think I just grew a small wall to block
him out too often ... got too used to not caring if he came
home ... that ... it's taking all his little memories
pointing out how much he misses me to make me realize just
what i'm losing ...
It took a while but last night .. hanging out with
Aaron .. I just stopped and thought .. whoa ... it's almost
the 14th ... (the day he is losing the house) ... even if
I went home tomorrow night as planned... I'm not going to
get to spend another night in his bed .. in his room ... in
his house ... in his arms... I just got this numb
feeling... this sorrow ... and pain ... that was just
waiting to come cascading out ...

Ha ... wow you know the one thing that could have kept
me constantly head over heals for him probably ? ... All I
want ... is to be loved completely ... to feel it and know
it's real so that I don't have to fear returning my
affections the same ... I would have been so ... entirely
imfatuated with him .. and ... perfectly content and
forgiving to anything he ever did to hurt me if i knew ...

Does he love me?