A Dreamer's Playground
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2003-11-12 07:12:37 (UTC)

Two Years Later... Two Years Older... Two Years Wiser...

This is me... two years past the depression and
bullshit... two years fastforwarded into reality. No
longer am I the whining "the world is against me" child I
used to be.
Now mind you I never believed I was some pathetic tool
begging for sympathy...but I never was happy. Depression
will mess with your mind and drive you into the ground.
Now I am majorily sane and trying to help others be happy.
But majorily here I am trying to find love ... and myself.
Everybody has their moments where they sit with a
bunch of friends and somebody brings up the topic of sexual
fantasies... the question passes through the group, but
when it comes to me... my response of a fantasy gets me
mock looks of disbelief and boredom... for my only real
fantasy is to find love. All I'm dying for... yearning
for ... is to find a man who will embrace me in his arms
and love me unconditionally. I consider it a fantasy
because I've yet to experience it. It's rather funny
because the last time that topic came up in a circle of
friends, one guy cheered me on for my response... that
being that all I long for is a pure loving relationship...
ironic however is that Frank, the one who cheered me on, is
a guy I've had a crush on since before I can remember... oh
wait ... yea I can ... since the eighth grade... when I
first met him...
Frank... is one of the most pure-hearted souls I've
found so far. He is so innocent and pure in my mind... ha
I fear him dating some of my friends because his innocense
won't remain intact... He is still a virgin, but that only
makes me adore him more... I think I adore him so much
because he is one perfect example of what I want in a
man... he will not pressure me for sex and that won't even
be his motive in any manner. I like sex, don't get me
wrong... but I'm so sick of it being a necessity in a
relationship that it overpowers the sincerity, compassion
and love.
I am just a dreamer... dreaming for the impossible...
some pure relationship full of everlasting love... I think
that's my problem sometimes... I get so paranoid with fear
over the meaning of relationships that if I have sex with
one guy a lot while dating him I get pissy and aggitated
and don't think the relationship means much because there's
too much sex... and that's not necessarily true... it's
just that I need substance in a relationship to balance out
the desires of lust.
I want to continue with this entry, however I am going
to continue in a seperate log ... I want to write about the
men of my life ... my loves ... my pains ... just all of my
men... and that will be quite long ... ha so I'm going to
seperate it ... (and I'm going to copy and paste my Frank
paragraph because I've explained him for how he is and what
he means to me ... and how I feel for him... so forgive my
repetition, but it all makes sense to me lol).