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2003-11-10 04:59:07 (UTC)

warning:emotional girl

o here i am... im trying to decide what music to put on
while i type.. i feel too senstive to listen to anything.
feel like anything will reignite the waterworks... i feel
so exhausted from crying all friggen night... i just
clicked on 'whatever gets your through the night" by mr.
john lennon... i like this Legends album... when kevin and
i used to drive around at night listening to music he's
always play me "instant karma" ... he'd say "listen to
these words SARA" back in those days i'd preach about the
importance of being alone and he'd preach about the
importance of being in love. i miss his friendship. this
saturday night i went to that show and we hung around
afterwards and once kev got drunk he did his usual huggin
me and telling me he loves me. i tell him "you only love me
when you're drunk, kevin." "I always love you sara." he
was a good friend sometimes. only sometimes. he was never
consistant. i didnt get too drunk. just a little. at some
point i was looking around at everyone - rita and her new
man glen, maya, becca, rico , mike, colleen (ive been
spending more time with her lately-- its nice... i feel
like i am getting to know her again... ive known her since
we were babies... shes always someone i felt comfortable
with... her whole family really... The Langs.. mike is
friends with her little bro Billy, then there is Patty and
Mike... just the best people, closest family of siblings
you'll ever meet... i feel like billys another brother to
me... he;s just as protective and caring... then there was
carla and the two chris's... (who were both in mikes old
band) just looking around at all my friends... and filled
with a sort of half sadness/half apprectiation... i looked
around and thought "this is what its like to be young...
its a normal weekend activity... all my friends together...
drinking, having a good time, laughing, seeing mike play...
conversations... soon all this will be over.. soon there
will be new chapters of life... soon i wont see them much
anymore... it wont be like this for long... peoplewill go
their separate ways... this is precious what we have...
maya saw my face and she leaned over and asked "what are
you thinking about, sara?" and i said "im wondering if
everyone appreciates all this. eachother. being together."
she said shes been wondering about that too lately.
especially now that everyone seems to be coupling off.

so marco called today and i aam glad he did. i sort of
needed tohear his voice.

so what started the waterworks? well i was very lazy
today.... it was freezing out, literally freezing, and i
just didnt want to leave my warm bed... warm apartment... i
didnt want to walk around was feeling braindead and didnt
want to do anything at all... managed to shower, get up,
walk to get some coffee.. walk to my parents house... where
i watched a movie i had rented... "the safety of objects"
and by the end of the movie i was in hysterical tears... it
wasnt really a depressing movie per se... i had no idea
it'd have such an effect on me... it was one of those
intertwinging lives movie... 4 familes that are all
effected by this accident that happened in the past...
takes place in suburbia... it was one of those movies about
life, and what it is to be human...

ive always thought that everyone, we all share the same
things that make us humans... and sometimes pretentious
literary/art/academic types think they are all superiour
and the uneducated/unexposed simply cant understand...
which is garbage of course...
sometimes there are simple people,,, like my dad... like
some of the people in that movie... and when something
really bad happens.. this wakes them up to those
questions... those underlying thoughts and questions about
your existence..
alright here im gonna typeout what i wrote right after the
movie... i went into the bathroom, hysterically crying and
wrote this...

(the movie ended with this heartbreaking song....

and you are all i need lift me up im crying....

Safety of Objects

i dont know why i am being affected like this... can;t stop
movie about suburbia... movie about life... these movies
about life, the good ones... they--
leave me like this

how incomprehensible everything is--
what really matters-
family and love--

having a purpose "why does work have to be your purpose?"
even for people who dont really think (like dad) when
something bad happens, when things really change, when
sometimes jarrs your world-- you start thinking anyway..
everyone, we all have the same things in us...

and i stepped out of the house today and it was cold like
winter cold like lonliness, cold like being alone on the
holidays cold like stillness cold like waiting cold like
inhaling all of winter
its sunday and i am lying on the bathroom florr writing in
this notebook crying and alone- my house crumbling around
and i am so lonely...
im falling in love with this boy and all i am really doing
is setting myself up for another big heartbreak. this is
not a game. maybe at one point i thought it was a game. but
ive found myself falling, really falling in love with him.
(which is really one of the most beautiful things we have
here on earth right?)

i think about existence and i think about love and i think
about endurance and i think when i see pieces of art that
illustrate this i think i end up like this.

"and you are all i need lift me up im crying"
and i dont have anyone to lift me up. my friends are no
longer the same kind of friends they once were. now they
have boyfriends-- and its the boyfriend that always gets
the promotion and it is me that gets gently nudged aside.
and we all know my dispostion towards impossible
situations. 1. boyfriend from ohio 2. giudo who i didnt
love 3. Unrequiteds 4. a homosexual 5. an alcholic, and
now this sweet, gift of a boy, who is too perfect to be
true.... ok i wont say he is perfect cause he is not... but
maybe i should say too good to be true... hes too good to
be true cause he lives i dont know the # miles away...
thats the price...
im always going to alone , arent i? im not going to ever
feel the way i used to with my friends and now, my family?
it will never be the same. and im never gonna have a family
of my own , am i? ill try my best to be this person that i
am but it will not work... i willnever be strong enough to
be a real writer... those little fairies will always be
laughing at me... no ones going to lift me up when im
crying... they are all consumed with themselves, i will
never get used to doing this all on my own...

how can i fish souls out of hell when i can barely keep my
own in purgatory?
im afraid of getting old
im afraid of failing
failing at love and writing

i wish marco was here, i wish he was always here. im
falling too much in love with him. im starting to think its
not fair....

this is when i stopped... andsome hours have passed
sinse... and i felt better once i got all that out... i
watched my carnivale show... talking to andy a bit.. dad
drove me to blocknbuster to return my video that started
all this (but it was SUCH a BEAUTIFUL movie) and he drove
me home and we talked a bit... it was good... and here i am
and typing this stuff i wrote inthat notebook... much of it
was just sadness... much of it i dont feel... i signed on
to aol... had an email from julie and it said "i have been
thinking about you....hope you are doing okay. remember
whenever u want to talk u can talk to me." and this woke
me up... made me remeber that often people are depressed
because they dont reach out for help... and i havent really
told anyone how im feeling, besides marco who is so sweet
and helps all he can... and i havent been reachingout to
my friends at all... i didn call anyone today... i didnt
want to... and if anyone in the world ISN'T alone, its me,
i have so many people that care about me...

john lennon is singing right now "nobody told me there'd be
days like these... strange days indeed" hahahaha very

and marco-- i dont regret a thing. i will not.

SO there was a bunch more written... this stupid thing
deleted my last submission... i pychically intuited some
bullshit and sent this chunk to myself...
anyway the part that was deleted was more positive... about
how i feel better now... how alot of this depressing shit
was just that :depressing shit.
how i really am not alone... how many people care for me...
how i have this wonderful boy who loves me.. how i should
try to count my lucky starts instead of bitching and
feeling sorry for myself...

in the notebook i took to write the above emotions there
was a piece of information.. i remember writing it, it was
from a documentary on the learning channel.. it said the
ancient greek meaning of 'Sin" is not living as who you are
meant to be... and my suffering comes from this...

i am afraid to write
and i am afraid to love

and lefteri always said that "fear is the worst reason not
to do something" and this was the smartest thing he ever
said, and something i will always remember...

and really all i need to do right now is 1) have some
compassion for myself... relax and breathe and 2) sleep, i
will wake up ok... especially cause my own personal alarm
clock will ring at 830 and he makes me look forward to the
beginning of every day...

so here i go to sleep....

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