2003-11-10 03:36:55 (UTC)

i have as much rage as you have

i have as much pain as you do
ive lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you.

well. i got almost nothing done this weekend. working
kinda fucked things up and threw me off, but it was worth

im spending money like crazy and i shouldnt be.. my next
check will be really big but the last one wasnt and i
should stop.. i spent a lot of money this weekend. but im
not going to worry about it, i hate money.

i was going to ask her if she works tuesday and if not go
to perfect circle it would only be $60 for both of us but i
checked and its sold out. that sucks. but i guess thats
my cell phone bill so. whatever. maybe she'll get to go
to doria roberts, i really had my hopes up about that.

ive got some bullshit on my mind tonight. he has been so
weird with stuf he says and always kissing on me and im not
nice at all, i turn away or pull away. and tonight he
grabbed me and i was like what get off me and he got all
close and looked at me and his eyes were so sad and he
said "i dont get sentimental much adrienne. but youre the
only person on earth i care about." and i just said okay.
and he was telling me about some lady he talks to at work
and he was saying how he'd been with this girl for a long
time off and on and he wants to spend the rest of his life
with her. even if he has to marry me because thats what i
want. and all i said was "i dont want to get married

well. im not there. sometimes it fucks me up because
there was a day that i would have cried i would have been
so happy with this. and im not. im far from it. maybe
its just because he can tell im not, so its a mind game.
whatever helps me sleep at night, right. sometimes i just

i almost told him tonight about next weekend and ashley.
cus her roommate called me today when i was out with him
and his family. so i had to answer a million questions
about that. i love his mom shes so cute. i felt kinda
weird though, at one point i thought "this is weird, she
knows i got caroline this job and she knows he doesnt know
and its weird."

this has been going on for 3 months straight now. i just
looked at entries to see. no wonder i feel like my life is
just passing me by. IT IS.

some days you just feel better than others. some days you
feel ugly and some days you feel content and some days you
feel loved and some days you feel sexy and some days you
feel like a bitch and some days you feel alone.

itd be nice if she comes down to work tomorrow for a while.

i guess i should go to bed. my head is funny today. and i
didnt get much done. didnt write my paper, i just started
on it is all. thats irritating. im troubled right now.