2003-11-09 06:47:01 (UTC)

i want you to know i really adore you.

man im tired

went to see the new matrix on the giant screen. dont ask
how it was cus i fell asleep 20 minutes into it. dead
asleep. i hate how he touches me... its mean i know. but
it makes me feel funny like ticklish. i wasnt very nice

i got 2 new bags new shoes and a new sweater. i needed a
new bag so bad. i hate my old bag.

doria roberts starts at 8. she'll probably come on at 830
or 9. i dont think she'll make it by then, i dont know.
the thing is i didnt plan on going with anyone else. i
dont really want to. i dont know.

this kid is creeping me out. last night sebastien had his
phone and he showed me, he has my number under "honey".
like make me sick.

funny that we were just talking about it today and tonight
he's all. trying. i told him i'm not having sex anymore
period. he laughed like "yeah right". and i said "when i
want my baby i'll have sex". it just kinda came out.

and all these thoughts were in my mind suddenly, the kind
of thoughts that make me think i really am insane. i saw
myself with my baby, in the mountains, leaving everything
behind me. but i wasnt with him. it was, i imagine, his
baby but i was telling her i dont want you to be the aunt i
want you to be the mom. and she came. where is this
coming from and is that what kind of nut inside me wants
something this crazy?

in my mind it made sense but as soon as the thoughts formed
together i was like whats wrong with me. if i got
pregnant, i'd have to leave and i could get out of here,
even though i'd have to leave everything. but id have
money saved and i could finally leave this and have my baby
and live in the mountains. and of course she would come
with me. the line between reality and insanity is fading
faster every day.

ashley thinks her working with me will help. but we wont
work the same days. she said at first it will be hard and
then i will begin to remember why we aren't together.
because right now i only see one fucking reason we aren't
and it has the world's biggest WHORE ASS.

but everyone tries to tell me there are other reasons that
i know but cant see.

anyway she thinks it will help. i imagine there must be
some reason that i got this amazing job, and that it became
possible for her to work there too, in the midst of all
this on my mind. so i guess it could go either way.

i guess i should go to bed.