Just Me

Caught In The Middle
2003-11-08 20:40:24 (UTC)

Last Night

On Halloween, three of my close friends were in a car
accident. One of them ended up dying the next day. Since
then crazy shit has been happening and everything seems to
be falling into place when it comes to stuff about her. Her
ex was making posters of pictures of her and when he was
taking the very last picture that we were using down, he
finished the roll of tape. Like there was a perfect amount
of tape for the project. And we've all felt as though she's
watching us or trying to send us a message. Anyways, her ex
spent the night here because we (me, him, and two of my
other friends) were working on the posters until 2am. Her
ex and I had always talked about how we like sleeping with
ppl (not sex just sleeping) and so last night he asked if I
could sleep in the bed with him. One of my other friends
was in there too so I didn't think anything would happen.
Plus I have a bf of 7 months. We ended up cuddling for a
while and pretty soon it was hard to stop from kissing. We
were both feeling eachother's stomachs and backs and arms.
It just felt so natural. We ended up kissing and I'm taking
full responsibility for it. I couldn't help it. But the
whole time we were hooking up it felt like his ex was
watching us. And I kept hearing sounds from the computer.
It seemed like she was trying to signal for us that she was
there. It scared me so badly. I ended up crying but I don't
think he knows. I've had such a big crush on him for such a
long time but I can't tell him and I'm with someone now. I
feel like the biggest bitch now. I want to break up with my
bf so that he can be with someone better. I hate myself but
I know that I did this to myself. I don't know if I should
tell my bf or just leave it quiet so that the guy doesn't
get his ass kicked by my bf and his friends. I don't know
what to do anymore. I can't be with my bf but I also can't
leave him. I care about him so much. You're probably
thinking something along the lines of if I cared so much I
wouldn't have done it. And that's not really true. I need
to feel loved and wanted but not smothered. And my bf
smothers me too much. He's too possessive and I'm not
saying that he pushed me to do it but I just can't stand
when bfs are like that. Anyways I should go. I gotta figure
out what I'm going to do.
---Micaela Jade




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