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i ain't never said that everything will be ok...

i ain't never said that we would live to see another day;
motivate me, i wanna get myself outta this bed; captivate
me, i want good thoughts inside of my head." good
charlotte "motivation proclomation". every so often, few
and far between, ill throw on some gc and listen. it's ok,
i got the offspring on now, im not going pop or nothing.
i've had and interesting 2 days. spend yesterday with
rich and tricia mostly. a fun filled evening. we watched
nightmare before christmas and just hung out. dropped off
rich and me and t came back to my apartment just chilled
till we passed out. woke up we watched some tv, ate then i
took off to get my hair cut.
got home, hung out with mike and sasha for a few then
went out and chilled with lauren. we went and saw the new
texas chainsaw massacre. it was pretty cool, definately a
renter, with a possible level of owning...only if i get
the others though. we were both kind of weird at first,
but it was ok. holding her in my truck (while she was
talking) kind of reminded me what it was like to be in
love, and i felt as if i was then. now im back to me being
not so sure of what's going on. she said she had this
dream that she went to bed and didn't wake up, and to her
that meant she left and i never knew how she felt. which i
think i do, i just don't want to admit it.
why else would she stick around for those few weeks
when i wanted nothing to do with everyone. she called
every once in a while, she told me she loved me she acted
as if nothing had changed, even though we both knew it
did. i don't want to say it at all, so im not going to. i
don't want to say it cause i don't want to believe it...or
maybe i just don't believe it. if i could figure it out, i
would.
tricia and i had a few nights of fun, but we had a few
more nights of torture, depression and fighting. the other
day, she said she just wanted to go back to the way things
were, when we just hung out and had fun. most of the time
when a person says that, it never happens, because the
other person usually says "you know that can't happen" or
some shit along those lines. but i think we did. it was
then that i became ok with lauren again...i think, or
sometime around then.
when lauren was talking earlier, i forgot what she
said, but i remember thinking something like "ill be ok"
or "you'll be ok" but then i thought "we'll be ok"
insinuating that'd we'd be together for a long time. so i
said "we'll be ok" and she looked at me and said "we'll be
ok, or we are ok?" i just assured her, "we are ok." which
i hope we are, i really do. i think i really do love her a
lot, very much so, i know i do, but i wanted her to get
the long term effect, like we'll be ok in the far future,
but i guess she missed that point. but that's ok.
i say that's ok because we were just driving around,
talking, playing around, trying to think of something to
do, and she was just being so damn cute. making little
corny jokes n stuff like that, stuff that reminded me of
why i loved her, and i why i do. yeah yeah yeah, fuck you,
i had the whole marriage vision in me guliver. so what, i
mearly planning for the future. anyway, i suggested we
just go see a flick at the cheap theater, cause im low on
the cash flow...hey, that rhymes. so we went to two cines
and didn't see anything we wanted to see, so she
says "well how bout we just go to a real show and ill
pay?" that was some crazy ass shit. she bought me a ticket
to the movies. that was totally awesome of her.
but anyway, tricia and i will always have e (which i
should probably never do again, especially with her...lord
knows what ill do), bowling for soup "belguim" and loads
of other memories...the buddha, terrified forest,
renissance center elevators, dollar store shopping, and
almost getting busted by the cops about 7,000 times. we'll
be great friends for a looong time.
i got the same thing with a bunch of my other friends.
jared and i have power ranger cards, baseball teams,
trading hats and 6th grade sleep overs. joe and i have the
bottle game, coors light, jager, industrial music and many
a trips up to MSU. shawn and i will always have winstons,
alleys, hot summer days, taking him to the hospital and
running from cops. shawn joe and i all have matching
tattoos as well. dave and i have shitty bands, too many
concerts, fuddruckers, and a helluva lotta sport teams.
rich and me, wow we have pro and backyard wrestling,
checking out girls, adult swim and serious drunk talks.
nick and myself, me living at his house, wrestling,
getting fucked up and working at the a-hole. laura and i
will have NFG, late night trips to monty's and meijer and
a lot of sexual and passed love tensions. me and lauren
trueman...getting stoned by the lake, almost having a last
call hook up and great convos and advice. kate and i, her
telling me what i did when i was drunk, picking her up
from the hospital and getting each other gifts. mike and
me...WOW...drunk driving to tricia's singing "say it ain't
so", our first apartment, bitching about girls, matching
cigarette burns and silver bracelets.
on a less centimental note, i finally started a DVD
collection. yesterday i bought clockwork orange and
nightmare before christmas. two movies i've never seen, i
had cash so i bought my first two DVD's. every collection
has to start somewhere and sometime, plus there's always a
first time for everything. i can still remember when my
only CD's were aerosmith, ace of base, the eagles and some
other CD. now i have over 400...which reminds, i was gonna
sell some of em. but anyway, i never watched all of
clockwork orange, i never ever ever made it to the end,
but i've seen the beginning about 4 times. so i finally
watched it today...all of it, fucked up and sweet film. i
never saw nightmare, but everyone i know likes it, so i
bought that too, it was pretty tight. that's totally what
spawned the gothic look. black hair and pale skin.
it's bout 5:15, i gotta work tomorrow. im gonna go pass
the fuck out. PEACE OUT.

mjb