zizzledpenguin

poor not very updated journal
2003-11-07 01:47:19 (UTC)

2nd piece of wrting - go figure its a complaining rant - i actually had this on xanga too

Why the fuck cant anything ever go right for once.. Is it
really that much to ask to have something enjoyable w/o a
bunch of shit with it? Right, I cant have a single decent
relationship family,friend of even bf/gf and everything
else has to be fucked with it. Im always finding out what
someone said about me, or whats wrong with me now and
whatever else negative that involves me in even the
remotest way. To this day I was still get extremely pissed
off if anyone says that last year was all an attention
deal. Think whatever the fuck you want but all I wanted
was a direction after I confused the hell out of my self,
I just needed help - not freakin attention. No one knew
how to explain it so its so easy just to say it was for
attention but no one else could actually know. All an
assumed opinion. Ugh. So lately I’ve taken to small
surface cuts under my watch. No one see’s, no one could
care. Sure it’s worse with something constantly rubbing
right there but I can wear what I want without worrying
someone’s going to comment. What’s actually tempting
though is mum’s wine and kitchen cleaner. Since last year
I almost did and have wanted to but didn’t. Lately it only
sounds more appealing. ..Everything, all of this,.. is for
escape. Wether it’s to get away from people..Maybe it is
for people. Hm. Because anymore I hate being with people
but im lonely without them. No easy way to fix that, so
I’ll just dissapear when I can and be fake when I cant and
I barely make it by. My friends talk about each other and
I’d defend them to one another except it’s so pointless.
Let them complain if they want. It doen’t make a
difference to me and if they feel better than all the
better for them right? It’s just better to keep my friends
right now.. Although another thing im having an
interesting (if u want to put it that way) time with is me
thinking that I thought being in a realtionship also meant
you were “friends”. I could care less about making out or
stupid crap like presents or sumthn. I just want to be
with the person when I can because of course I like them,
and talk because I enjoy talking to them. It seems like
after a while all you see is sexual attraction in a
relationship instead of the friend part and I hate that
and don’t want it to end up tht way. By sexual attratcion
(as a side note) I think most people get I mean make out
sessions, etc. You get it. Its like everything turns to
that and the friendship is dead.. Truthfuly itd be easier
to say fuck it, this is screwed I don’t want to be in a
relationship right now. But that’s too much like giving up
and I do enough giving up already things like this don’t
need to be added to it. Besides, I really do like him, I
don’t want to end it - I just don’t want it to be a burden
or something to ‘worry about’ instead of being fun. ..and
I wish he would call me instead of me having to call him
(thats just plain annoying) or that he’d maybe sound
intrested in getting together. Im feeling like I care
about him and he doesn’t really care about me, to put it
out there. Once upon a time I was so excited he had AIM
and I was nervous about being able to talk to him.
Everything was kind of perfect in an odd way because it
wasnt really. Then when we started going out that whole
thing did turn perfect. And I hated things at the same
time because I knew it wouldnt last and it couldnt stay
like this.. Just like I knew it would ruin any kind of
friendship we had between us. I don’t want to feel lke im
just another girl he went out with - id rather be a girl
he was good friends with any day. Better to have him like
that than lose him altogether after it ends. If I jumped
to talking/’complaining’ about my family right now then
this page of typing would never end... I hate being home..
Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate HATE it!!! and no one ever
listens to me. No one is ever there when I need them, in
the one place your supposed to always have a support. I
have no freedom, no anything. I’m allowed to stare in the
darkness of my room from my bed corner. Day after day,
going into weeks on end. The laptop was taken away, the
phone gets taken away, im not allowed out. Theres obscene
amounts of fighting and dad knows if he even touches me
I’ll tell. But anna and cameron.. They don’t realize they
have any power over mum and dad. Ultimately we don’t but
if they don’t want us to say anything to the
cops ::shrugs:: I will admit that if I put up enough
fighting I can talk on the phone or go places, if I was
completely deprived I wouldve killed myself by now. But
with this “9 weeks of suck ass nothing” ban the
deprivation keeps getting worse. Fucking god none of this
helped... I don’t have enough growling noises or a very
large assorment of annoyed noises to make or else theyd be
up here. I think I’ll decorate my razor blade. Hell if
james calls tomorrow cuz he wont and by saying that now I
know he wont. Ha. Mandas dad died ::cracks up laughing::
nope, he didnt really. Its in the stupid fucking letter.
Least I don’t talk how I type or id be washing my own
mouth out with soap.




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