Ryan

fasthands135
2003-11-07 00:31:58 (UTC)

MUSIC? and also the longest journal entry so be prepared

What is music to me? Is it just notes on a page? Is it a
guitarist that can play licks at the speed of light.
Theres a lot more to it then that. The first time I heard
music well it was probably the very begining of my life.
It could only be my dad. A pianist. A composer. I didnt
play music or the guitar for a while. but that dosent
matter. Even though i do love the guitar very much. I had
to of first loved music for what it is. Im going to skip a
few topics first and get to something thats on my mind
right now. Two nights ago my dad came in my room and said
(again) that I either find a place to live, get a job or
go back to school (O.C.C.) Ive known for a very long time
that my dad dosent want me to grow up and be where he is.
He means well. He has told me I can love the guitar. just
dont make it the one and only thing I care for. Hes
right...and for many reasons especially reasons that i
have been thinking of lately. First of all I dont think i
could ever develop skill, technique, love or whatever you
call it like my dad has. He dosent want me to kick me out
of the house. he just dosent want me to stay in my room
all day not getting thinks done that will lead to a better
life. I just wanted to make one diary without talking
about my inner self, what terrible things have made me who
i am. but i cant. it haunts me. Im always thinking about
it. I'll get back to music in a sec...I have had many jobs
mostly before I became somewhat stabilized on the
medication called seroquel. At that time which was a while
ago. I got a job whenever I could. From what I can
remember I have been fired from every job that I have had,
I think...But mostly they were all for good reasons. As
much as I think my dad dosent understand whats going on
with me like my mom does. I know he cares he just cant
understand whats in my mind. A long time ago me, my mother
and above all my dad would fight constantly. Not just your
average fights. I would throw things brake windows brake
chairs, gotten in to a push and shove fights with my dad.
I would screamed all the disgusting horrible words that
came to my mind. Words that know one should ever heard.I
mean anyone I dont mean just your parents. Over and over
again when the fights got really bad my dad or mom would
call the police...When they got to the house from what I
can remember they would say. "Were Sorry but theres
nothing we can do". I guess it was because I was under 18
when most of the horrible fights were. What they dont
understand now especially my dad. Is that all I want to do
is make something of myself. My dad thinks that I just
love sitting in my room playing guitar all the time. but
hes wrong. dead wrong...Since the begining of high school
or much earlier i just cant remember. Reading. Something I
love because If im calm enough I can. but mostly I havent
been able to read a book and understand it at all. I read
the words but it dosent make sense. If I could have a
steady job without having to bullshit everyone about what
im feeling deep down inside. but i dont think i can. and
for you people that are reading this and think im just a
big bullshitter and that im just lazy as fuck well...Then
stop reading my fucking journal entry. yes i know. then
why am i writing in an online journal. like ive said many
times. its calming to get thoughts out of my head any way
i can. In my last entry i talked about thinking about
stopping all my meds so that i could smoke weed. well that
didnt work out of course. but i just cant stop thinking
about just stopping all of my meds even seroquel. that
practically saved me from much danger that pill. Why?
Cause even know it hurts so horribly it also feels so
fucking good so confusingly good. The best fucking high in
the world. yeah i know ive said it. but i fucking want it
back!!! Even know im getting close to hiding this thing
forever cause i have found a psychiatrist that cares
deeply about me. I think... Even know i can have bouts of
that feeling now just nowhere near like i felt before. I
want to live but Im completly postive that i will not alow
myself to go for many years still felling like i have
acomplished nothing with my help. God im such a fucking
loser. God damnit im fucking crying while typing a journal
entry. I have lost many friends and im pretty sure its
because of who i am. but all i need is one, just one that
can be here and completly understand and make me feel
calm. Its so hard to do it myself! damnit i started this
entry talking about music and i couldnt help changing the
subject to the one think i hate most....My fucking mind! I
promise myself and to those who read this that probally
ill finish my next journal entry about what i started this
entry about. Also im not saying i dont have friends.
Theres people I once in a while hang out with theres about
3 certain people that i see once in a while. now what im
about to say please dont be mad or confused at what im
saying. Since im not smoking weed anymore its harder to
make friends. because i could bullshit anyone when i was
smoking that i was the most happiest guy alive. but thats
ok some people have ever right to smoke. most people dont
do it on purpose. they just do it cause they know im
uncomfortable around it. When i smoked again for a short
while a couple weeks ago. someone that use to be a good
friend said to me "I dont know if its a good idea that you
smoke" I asked why? Even know i knew the answer partialy.
First of all he said this because he was probably the
first person that i was good friends with before he got
read bad. and i think he understood me. but i can
understand not be around me or talking to me when im not
feeling alright. back to the weed thing. I think he
said "Why would you want to smoke when your taking all
these meds"? He was afraid I would have a bad reaction.
and probably also afraid that I would completly stop all
my meds. and he was right. my psycholigist was right. my
psychiatrist was right. and who else was right???ME...I
knew something bad would happen. My mind just wont allow
it. feeling the way i do most of the time. but i wanted to
be with everyone else. and i was for that short time. I
know if i were to stop taking all my meds. My whole family
would feel it. everyone would feel it but most of all i
would feel it i would feel it like no other. I know ive
said it before again and again but i have to say it again.
i just dont feel im me like these meds are hiding what
really is me. so either i deal with it or just give up.
Ill i say again that im very sorry if i repeat myself a
lot in the entries but my memory stillisnt to good
probably from those stupid ect treatments. Actually I want
to finish this entry talking about music. just because
well i dont know im just going to. One thing I hate when
people will hear me play is "you should start a band, Do
you right any of your own stuff, and above all ill even
say ur name, when danny says sounds like I just walked in
to guitar center. well kiss my ass. Lately ive been giving
a good amount of time to get to know more about music and
understanding the guitar. now im not talkin about myself
because this dosent apply to me. but a lot of musicians,
famous or not famous could be doing some amazing things,
im not saying that they ar=lready are. The best way to
make the most beautiful music is to understand it.
everything about it. Listen to all kinds of music. not
just the kind of music your band plays or the one kind of
music you like to play on ur music. your probably saying
well I dont like other music. I never said you have to
like it. but if you listen to all kinds of music you will
understand it better. A lot of people dont like classical
music. Which I love very much. For you guitarist that
think those cool solos that randy rhoads or malmsteen or
lots of others just came up with them from nowhere. well
your dead wrong. if you listen to all that soloing stuff
or a lot of those heavy metal riffs or a band that has
loads of amount of melody in them. just bands that sound
absolutely beautiful. it was alrighty played much longer
ago. im not saying bands copy classical composers. but
alot of it is the same thing it may not have a great
drummer to back them up or a singer that can hit very high
notes or a guitarist that plays the most beautiful melodys
whether it be just cords or somewhat like randy rhoads who
is a very very fine example of classical music played the
rock way. If any of you heard the mp3 i just did by
paganini. guess what book I memorized it from? its called
classical masters for rock guitarist or metal. Im not
saying im a talented guitarist but i know a good amount
about it. While im in my room. alone. practicing guitar
peices I seem to be making very good progress. im not band
material. I dont think I will ever even make my own music.
Why? Because right now I want to be able to play some of
the most beautiful and talented (which dosent mean playing
as fast as u can)peices that I can find. When im in a
guitar store like music stand or guitar center. I feel
uncomfortable. Now shouldnt that be theplaces where I feel
the most comfortable. Im not lying people are probaly
thinking even the ones that have heard me at these stores
that i just suck at guitar. I know I dont suck. I just
feel weird being in a music store especially not playing
with one of my guuitars. So what music do i listen to? I
dont really have a favorite type of music. What iv been
listening to lately is a lot of classical guitar music, um
definatly Opeth (one of my favorite bands)and there a
metal band. I also have some swing music in my cd player i
love the swing era. If you havent heard good swing music
well then you should at least see the movie swing kids. I
have my dads favorite pianist music in here played by
someone. his name is franz liszt. and as my dad said and I
really beleive him on this one. that franz liszt was the
first rockstar. First of all nobody and I mean nobody back
then could play like him there have been mabey 2 or 3 up
to date that have been able to play like him. He was a
good looking guy with long blond hair. girls went to see
him even if they didnt care for the music. Also theres a
story that A women was so upsesed with him that she tried
to shoot him. dont ask me. thats just what the books say.
Im also a big fan of jazz. but there is some jazz that
could get on my nerves. Especially alot of jazz past the
70's. I even like some electronic music. Even some rap
music. and of course i was a huge nirvana fan just like
everyone else was. that was a looonnggg time ago. but its
not just music I love so many things. Speaking of love. as
jake might say thats gay. haha. is moulin rouge you know
the movie. the first time I watched it i thought it was
horrible but recently i heard it again. and I loved it.
The way they transformed songs in to something else. Give
it a try. I love art especially Salvador Dali. his
paintings rock. Both me and my dad are big fans of
shakespeare. my dad knows just about everything about
shakespeare haha. Yesterday i watched the movie
pooljunkies. it was alright not like the original black
and white movie the hustler which is about the to famous
pool players jackie gleason as minnesota fats and paul
newman as I think the name is hmmm im going to get this
wrong but I think he played a guy name eddie felson and
his pool nickname was fast eddie. me and my friend ross
who i see once in a while use to go to the billiards or
pool place whatever you want to call it and shoot some
pool. I suck but i like watching really good players and
just messin with it. and of course I love watching movies.
but im not going to list them. but i will tell you the
three movies im going to rent tonight...which im not
watching all tonight im going to keep them awhile. ive
also seen all three of them but like seeing movies and
listening to music that ive see or heard before over and
over. Im going to get tim burtons edward scissorhands ( i
love this movie plus tim burton did it he does great
movies like nightmare before christmas hehe, also usually
the composer that tim burton picks for his films is danny
elfman, his music is very cool very misterious hehe). oh
yeah. second movie. Apt Pupil. i dont know why i just want
to see it. and one of my ultimate favorites. Sweet and
lowdown. Its by woody allen. its all about a well i guess
you could say swing or jazz guitarist. the soundtrack is
also amazing. very very good movie. I also love funny
things. Whether it be a mel brooks film haha or someone
that just makes me laugh all the time. laughing feels good
dont you agree??? I also love psychology very much. not
just because whats going on with me but because if i were
to study one thing it would be to try and understand what
makes people act or say or think of. but i need to worry
about myself first. Well yes theres other things i love
and hate and there is definatly a lot of things i didnt
say that i just want to keep to myself. im very sorry that
this probably the longest online journal entry ive ever
written and that I changed the subject over and over again
and that more then being a journal entry it seems i just
let it flow with things that just dont seem to be your
average diary entry. I know people wonder why does this
person change moods all the time like the flick of a
switch. i know in my expeirence it has confused a lot of
people and definatly make them distant from me. well
anyways i got to end this somewhere. so ill end it here.





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