Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2003-11-06 01:52:30 (UTC)

'Parlami, Il Tu Silenzio Quato Dentro...

...non rististero'

so why am i here? if i'm not the first one to ask that...

i wish i knew why, so i could run towards some tangible
thought instead of stumbling thorugh my days with a iron
blind fold on my face.
i've made mistakes...and they've shaped me. i've made my
own choices and they've made me. and i've paved my very
own life and it's inspired me. so why do i still not know
where i'll be 20 years from now?...hell, even 5 years from
now? i don't even have a clue. i feel i should. i've got
romantic, grande plans and visions for myself, but i'm
pessimistic enough to deflate those with a glass full of
reality.
and if i feel THIS way about ME...why am i thinking
about being with someone else? it's like a crack head
wanting a puppy...Lord knows the dog will die after
neglect and lack of nurturing. sure, i'll nurture my
relationship to the bone, but it would almost be an empty
deed if i'm not okay with where i am inside me, right?
yeah...so i need to turn it off for a few more years.

ppfff...a man, is there such thing in college?

granted "he" ever shows himself one fine day? i don't
know how i'd handle something like that. what would i do
if a guy came up...asked for my name and number...then
wanted to take me out? what in the HELL would i do? blush?
accept his offer? turn him down? pass out? i don't know!

i'm thinking i can't handle a relationship right
now...so, why am i so eager to have one?
i'm pretty sure i'd like someone to be with me, if only
for a week, or a few hours...but i also know what my
nature has made me, and a 'fling' just isn't written in
there anywhere.

someone said that guys are told "date bad, marry
nice"...and since i'm all into the whole loyalty and one
person-one love crap...i'm stuck in that "marry nice"
category. and i'm happy with that...it'll be worth it in
the long run to hold out and wait for someone better for
me. likewise, i'm all about "mr. right, not mr. right
now". sometimes it makes me want to gouge out my eyes with
a tiny sorbet scoop...but then, i'm still so young. i
don't need a "mr. right" yet. i can use a little "mr.
right now" here and there. hell...don't know where i was
going with that.
i guess it's the rain bringing all this out of me,
because i've always wanted someone i cared for, lusted
over...even loved, to be in the same room with me when
it's raining really hard. i don't need to 'cuddle' or 'be
engulfed in one's arms!', it gets old fast, despite my
ultra soft side.
...just want to have that gooey feeling that that
man over there is thinking the same thing about me...that
things are all right in here.




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