lukeryu

Mental Screamings
2003-11-03 07:48:29 (UTC)

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid

Yea, so I screwed up. I cant go back and do anything about
it, and I dont think it will have any permanent
consequences, but I screwed up nonetheless. So I decided
to study. I picked up my spanish book and walked out into
the lounge. Kate was there at the table studying her
spanish, and I sat down on the couch and started studying.
Every once in a while one of us would make a crack or
something, but no real conversation started up. After a
bit, Victor (no threat from him. He has a girlfriend and
knows I like Kate) walks in the room and starts poking Kate
in the back, and she says it feels good, then he invites me
over to continue it. After a slight hesitation (see bubble
paragraph below) I get up and do it. I do it for a bit,
and then go back to studying (she told me to go back to
study in a kidding voice, but I'm not sure exactly how
kidding she was...) Then after a bit, Blair walks in a
sits down at the other table in the lounge. Victor walks
in a small bit later and starts massaging Blair's back. It
was only for a few seconds, but when he pulled away, Blair
was complaining. So Victor once again asked me to fill in
for him. This time I declined. Adam had just walked in at
this point, and he walks over to Blair and continues the
back rub for a small bit. Then he quits on Blair and
starts on Kate, which she really enjoys. After a small
while, he goes back to Blair for about thirty seconds then
returns to Kate for a long time. Yes, I screwed up. I
could have continued when I was poking Kate, gone to a
backrub (which I had considered). I could have gotten up
when Victor asked me to take Blair and started on Kate
then. When Adam went back to Blair, I could have cut in on
Kate there. And yet I didnt. And I think this has to do
with MY bubble.

The best known bubble on the floor is Paul's bubble, which
he wont let others invade because he gets uncomfortable. I
too have a bubble, but it is not like his. I have a bubble
of safety that I refuse to step out of. Occasionally,
people can push or pull or drag or threaten me with a gun
or car or other device and get me to get out of the bubble,
but rarely do I leave my bubble on my own free will. I
actually got out of my bubble the first time when Victor
asked me to come and poke Kate, but I couldnt do it the
second time. It just seemed like a bigger jump to me. I
realize that the cliché poster that was in my speech
teacher's room that says "You cannot jump a chasm in two
small jumps" applies here, but I'm not comfortable with
it. I hopefully have learned my lesson and will jump next
time.

G'night




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