2003-11-03 05:19:26 (UTC)


so i have stuff to do... these mandatory conferences with
the students start tomorrow and i have appointments with 7
tomorrow... one after the other... and im supposed to have
read their essays and be ready to comment on them... and
have a stategy for improvement for each one... but i dont
feel like it right now... ill read em on the train and
during my break...
so instead im sitting here and writing about it... and
bullshitting.. talking to daniel... he still refuses to
tell me how much money i owe him... i told him that he was
so sweet and he goes, i think youre the only person in the
world who thinks that.. aww.....
i cleaned today! my apartment is beginning to look somewhat
like a normal person might live here... its funny what a
slob i am, but im just not happy living in slob
surroundings. i dont want to be here if its dirty. i like
it looking neat, but most of the time i dont give a shit
about cleaning... tomorrow i MUST clean the stove... im
suprised animals havent moved in yet... this place is
really very small, so things need to be neat and put away
to maximize space,,,, and we wont talk about the boxes i
still have lying around... most are full of books... i just
have nowhere to put them and i refuse to put them in
storage. i NEED every single one of my books...

so today was usual sunday... going over to parents, doing
laundry, watching carnivale... while i was waiting for my
last load i for some reason started to read over all of
marcos entries again... i wrote him an email about it but
decided not to send it (then again hes most likely bound to
read this, so i dont really know what im talking about or
why... i try to block him out when i write in here. i
really really dont like knowing anyone i know is reading
this... i dont want to steer it in directions.. ugh i
dunno.. jay asked me for the link to here, he gave me the
link to his... and i said, nope, sorry man... its not for
my friends to read... ) anyway it was weird. i got all
sucked in, like the first time i found him and read every
one of his entries.. i still laughed, still thought what a
clever boy... still was endeared by his language... but it
was so strange... left my head feeling all, he
felt like a stranger, like i didnt know him. and it scared
me, reading the things he wrote to the girl... it sounded
alot like the things he says to me now... sometimes even
the exact same words... i didnt like this...i wasnt
jealous at all, suprisingingly, just... i dont know how to
describe it.. i was , i just felt weird. displaced, like he
wasnt real. and i cant wait to hear his voice tomorrow
morning, just that will make this feeling go away...
strange what a few days without talking can do...
ok! onward to sleep and to tomorrow...

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