As I See It
2003-11-03 01:16:04 (UTC)


Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my illness, I always feel like my boss
thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway
because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned
that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel like
coming in the next day. By
then, I thought,I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I acceded to my
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new
was no problem,but one morning as I was taking my shower
after breakfast, I
heard my wife,Deb,call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested over the
noise of the
"Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and
it sucks me
in? C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make
a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequences. I
crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It
is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without any respect to my

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its
gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
objects she spied between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I
was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered
and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought and any ability to control
orderly bodily movements while rising upward at a
violent rate of speed,
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men,in this predicament, choose only
the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
ascent.The mpact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my
wife and the
paramedic stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my
wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work
while suppressing hysterical

At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.