Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2003-11-02 23:08:06 (UTC)

Moving On

I wish I wouldn’t have been so tired Friday night. I
could’ve hung out with Kevin and maybe Richard some
more...and even more people than that granted they were in
town or whatever. Naomi was in Portland. heh, I panicked
thinking how horrible I was for not calling her when I got
in, but I forgot for a reason because she wasn’t there.
eh. she’ll be gone forever in Oregon soon...I guess I
should learn to wean myself off of seeing her, right?
no...but I don’t want to.
And I swear...my body has ONE MORE MONTH to get back on
track or I really am going to the doctor...I mean it. Not
that I want to have cramps and bloating and all that
mess...but I don’t want something to be wrong with me
either. Maybe my little wish came true and someone came in
my sleep and took out my insides so now I don’t have to
worry about it anymore...but that’s highly unlikely.
...Jonathan’s in some need of TLC...poor sexy fish, all
alone in a bowl, swimming in dirty water...
And I’m glad I didn’t go to Adrienne’s party. I’m
already over stupid shit like this...this is where I take
myself back and stand up for what I want, for fucking
once. Yeah, so what...half of me didn’t want to go to
that party. And the other half had prior engagements. ---I
would’ve had nothing in common with anything or anyone
that night...not to mention I was sure to have a bad time.
I’m not gay; I don’t drink then go out drunk to the
rocky horror picture show. I don’t like it. None of it. I
had other things to do and apparently that makes me a huge
bitch. I can live with that, though...because it wasn’t
like she was making it all that fun by bossing me into
coming and saying “no one likes me, I’m all alone, why
does this happen to me?” ... I’m tired of hearing that,
especially when I know I’m not the bad guy...as if
someone was. But I guess she likes to be sad and
angry...with her back turned to everyone. I’m not that
way, so I guess it was doomed from the beginning. And I’m
taken back by the fact that I don’t really care. Sure,
I’m disappointed that someone dislikes me...but when I
think about how stupid the circumstances were...I scoff
and hope someone pities her for me, because I’m not
wasting my time.
And I think it’s funny that Romans drove all that way out
of sheer commitment to this person...against better
judgment and after all that...got turned down for HER own
birthday party...because someone couldn’t “make it”
that day. How funny. But how much do I want to bet Romans
will forgive...because that’d be the normal thing to do.
My point...if I’m making one...is that why should I WANT
to do things and be around people who make me feel bad
under that ONE RARE circumstance that (oh no!) I MIGHT
have OTHER PLANS. Give me a reason to give two shits when
someone calling them self a friend doesn’t forgive
something that small. Or starts to think less of me
because they assume, judge (or whatever the fuck they’re
doing) before they bother to find out all the sides...I
know better.
And the trip to Atlanta. Glad that’s over too. If it
wasn’t for my lack of money, and an exam that following
Monday—I STILL would’ve had to cancel because my mom and
grandma planned an early thanksgiving in St. Petersburg on
Saturday, Nov. 8th any damn way. ---And I would’ve
expected more from dawn than to go half-cocked on me to
Adrienne (who was already pissed)...saying that I was
on “some sort of power trip” (making plans, building
hopes, then breaking my word). But maybe I come across as
someone who gets off on disappointing my FRIENDS. Yeah,
that must be it. If it would’ve come from Adrienne...I’d
blow it off. But for it to come from dawn? That hurts. But
she understands my reason now...now that she bothered to
ask. Go figure. I didn’t really want people knowing
either. How embarrassing is that to have no money...none.
I mean...absolutely N O N E.
It’s been a bad week...glad it’s all over. Moving on...




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