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2003-11-02 22:32:54 (UTC)

some more catharsis

so im obviously in some kinda manic frenzy of graphomania or
something related today... i just walked around astoria
snapping pictures... didnt quench my thirst at all, gonna
take it with me everywhere for awhile... maybe set up that
goddamn darkroom... i have so many rolls i havent even
developed yet..also been furiously writing in my head im not
having any normal thinking thoughts they are all
writing/word thoughts and i cant stop... even these few
entries and journal writing wasnt enough maybe this means im
almost ready for REAL writing again? good god i hope so....

my grandpas been singing again. he sings all kinds of stuff.
sometimes he sings you are my sunshine and this song has
always always made me cry. and he sings it and he really has
a beautiful booming voice (he was a musician back in italy)
and its the song and also i get sad cause hes old, and soon
i wont come home and hear him singing anymore/

you are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are gray
youll never know, dear
how much i love you
please dont take my sunshine away

i know ive written somewhere about this before... but this
is heartbreaking cause of "youll never know dear how much i
love you." because its true. no one knows how much anyone
loves them. and this feeling, that someone you dearly love
just cant know what you feel for them, and that no one ever
really knows how much someone loves them.. this makes me
cry. this makes me feel like something always gets lost...
this makes me feel like there should be something that makes
it easier for people to feel love. this discrepancy has to
be some kind of key to being a human.

i dont know why im so emotional today. not a bad emotional,
almost a good one... i was thinking in the park how lucky i
feel... i feel lucky to have my friends, my family, my job,
marco, myself, my apartment, i feel like the luckiest girl
in the world... i was a little lonely for a bit... as my
friends with boyfriends are all with them today.. and
sometimes going to the park is bad cause its full of couples
but its also full of people by themselves... reading, lookin
around... this makes me feel better.. there were also lots
of guys playing football and baseball and soccer... and it
was nice to see guys playing with eachother outside instead
of sitting infront of tv's and watching football games. ..

and i was just writing and looking and al this and just
suddenly got very concerned that marco doesnt know how i
feel about him. its very possible that i would come off as
an ungrateful bitch. i was overwhelmed with this desire to
call him, or make him appear and tell him how good he is.
how much i appreiciate him. how glad i am that i met him.

hahahhaa ok now that i am purged of my emotion again im
going to clean up my apartment and put away these heaps of

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