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2003-11-02 19:20:25 (UTC)

more about boys

i just got a mail from iris in germany... she just went for
the week to visit family... i went with her a few years ago
we stayed for maybe 5 weeks... with her family, then just
pracned around the rest of europe for a bit.. anyway she
said in her mail that she went to the airport, and Mo, this
guys she is seeing, suprised her by showing up to see her
off... i think theyve really only been dating for 2 weeks
or so.... but when i read that he came to the irport i
really started tearing up and crying a bit cause that means
he really likes her... and i havent heard her talk about a
guy like this in ages... she sounds so happy... shes BEEN
so happy lately... she was real bad last year, but lately
she sounds like shes found her place in life,,, and she
knew she was about to meet a guy, she knew she was
ready... she is like that.. she perfectly plans

i think a little of this crying is also a little sadness. i
havent found my place in life. i am very far behind her. my
advisor at school always told me not to compare myself to
others.. that i have a tendency to do this. so ill try and
stop. its just... she plans thigns... shes always said she
wants to marry a wealthy good looking guy.,.. start having
kids at 28... live on long island... quit her job to raise
the kids.... she will get all these things. thats the way
she is.
sometimes i wonder if im doing everything wrong. if the
things i think are important arent really important.

chris once said to me when he was defendinghis stupid
drinking "well what do YOU do? walk around and look at
trees?" and jeez that still upsets me. cause hes right.
i'm just as bad.

i could never really tell iris about marco. she'll think im
a loser. shes always really thought i was a loser when it
came to guys. when i initially told hera little about him
a few weeks ago she said "good maybe now youll get that
asshole chris outta your life for good." and ive already
gone through these emotions before. i already said to
myself "i am not iris. i do not want the same things out of
myself, life, or in a man that she does. marco makes me
happy. in just the same way this Mo fellow makes her happy.

sometimes i just wish i was normal. that i wasnt the way i
am. that i was more like her, iris. but im not. im me. i
usually like myself alot. sometimes i think i dont wanna
have kids cause theyre gonna turn out so fucked up. between
me and my alcoholic schizophreic genes and whomever i end
up marrying (im sure he'll be just as fucked up as i am)
the kids will come out like crack babies or something....

also i think i got a little sad cause ya know when friends
get boyfriends they really stop being total friends. rita
is with glenn now, and now i know how she felt when i was
first with chris. she was really jealous of him and thought
he was gonna take her away from me. im so dependant on my
friends. i dont want to even think about getting older and
not having them around so much anymore. i am really happy
for both iris and rita... they both deserve this and need
this.... although i dont know how i feel about rita's
man... id like it if she found someone to inspire her...
make her want to be a better version of herself...and all
they do is get drunk every night and get high and sleep and
eat... and i dont like that.. but whatddya gonna do...

NOW its a beautiful day

ok im gonna stop now. i dont know why i got so emotional
just now . im gonna go for my walk, into this pretty sunny
warm fall day