2003-11-02 09:24:03 (UTC)


i still feel a bit braindead from last night... i cant
believe that all worked out.. i was trying not to think or
stress about it... as i always do whenever i have a
party.. "no ones gonna come.." but loads of people came
and the dj was great and i think everyone had a blast...
today lots of people told me what a blast they had and what
a great party it was... whew... i just had so much fun
once i started to relax, it was so festive with everyone in
costume.. and the open bar was the big hit... and no one
minded that we lied about the admission price... and we
could SMOKE in there! that was the best. its so nice
really, being able to fucking drink and smoke AT THE SAME
alex was there. who i had a huge crush on. i liked him
cause i thought he was cute and he worked at NASA for the
summer and knows things about planets and stars and math
and he made a switchboard that they used on a spaceship
that actually went into space and i thought that was so
hot. i never wanted anything to really happen with him, i
just liked having a crush, and i hadnt seen him in a good
month or so... also i liked him cause he is known to not
really ever have a girlfriend.. and my brother always says
what a good guy he is... anyway he came with a girl, and
she seemed nice and all... but i was a tad bothered, as she
was about 1/4 the size of me. hmph. i guess i can get
materialistic like this at times... when i learned that
anthony was getting married the first thing that popped
into my mind was 'i wonder if im prettier than her'

so i woke up today feeling very dreamy and woozy and
certainly not all there... even after i took ashower i
barely remembered taking a shower... it was a simply
glorious day tho, weather wise, and i decided to take a
nice long walk and relax in the park... i stopped by my
parents house to see what was going on there, found andy
trying to do a project for school... so i got him to walk
with me to the park and we sat on a bench and did his
pproject there... i told him on the way there how i feel
weird and i keep spacing out... he said its very weird that
its so warm while the trees are all different colors...
very displacing... i was extermely philosophical today too
which doesnt really make sense... andy and i had another
whats up with life and death talk... he told me how he
feels about religion, and said , 'you kind of have to
believe it, you have to believe in something, cause if you
dont then that means we are just great big balls of nothing'

can you imagine an 11 year old saying this? he amazes me.
hes been asking me for years tho, about what i think
happens when we die... and he is always eager to hear about
physics, concepts, energy....

so ive always had a special place in my heart for daniel,
my cousin... but after this party thing i just wanna throw
my arms around him and tell him i love you i love you i
love you. he was so good, so helpful... so concerned, he
does this for a living, throwing parties and i dont know
how he doesnt have ulcers... he just made me feel so taken
care of... i really like that feeling... of being
protected, if i had a problem he was there to fix it...

im talking to jay right now and getting the scoop on his
make out session with kevin. i always KNEW kevin was gay.
its so obvious. i dont care, i dont think that straight
guys go around kissing boys. true i experimented with girls
but i think thats different.

tonight i was driving to the city to pick up maya from
work.. and then to a movie.. and i got into a little
accident.. cab driver hit me , another cab hit him... it
wasnt a big deal but i drove around the rest of the night
really feeling like every car was going to plow into me..

we saw the human stain.. interesting. an unusual movie..
but with some hollywood cliches... it came together pretty
well in the end tho... you dont really understand the
relationship between anthony hopkins and nicole kidman,,,
but in the end you see that its because he is just as
fucked up and she is... and its kinda endearing... i feel
like i havent gone to the movies in a long time.. it was
nice... i love the experience.. the huge screen... the
sound... the immersion... total immersion into this

i felt so pretty last night... felt like a real girl...
long long hair... shiny and glittery.. all white.. pretty
long dress... in the pictures i probably look like the
pillsbury doughboy but i felt beautiful... i was sprinkling
the snow confetti on everyone.. it was covering the floors
when we left... its good to be a girly girl sometimes...
ive been feeling that way lately tho... even in jeans and a
tshirt... that kinda feeling you can only get from a guy ,
from a guy whose opinions matter to you that thinks you are
this beautiful creature... it gives you a glow, '
'ok need to sleep... i want to be alert tomrrow, not a
zombie like i w as today.. tomorrow ill walk to the park
again but im taking the camera with me this time and gonna
get some nice fall shots...
im starting to look at things... like, pretending that
marco is with me.. walking down ditmars, driving in the
city.. thinking i wonder what he;ll think, i wonder what
he'll say i wonder what it will be like for him when we are
driving across the queensboro bridge into the city...

i feel bad, i didnt call pilar to tell her about the party.
im a bad friend to her. i also didnt call iris before she
left for germany i feel bad about that too.
alright im getting off now... jay is talking shit about my
brother again and i cant stand it when people say anything
negative about my brothers... maybe people without siblings
dont understand that they cant say shit like that. ugh.

i keep checking my mail to see if m. wrote me again., im
such a loser. a happy loser.