wdpckr71

Under the starless L.A. sky
2003-10-31 18:04:36 (UTC)

10.31.03

What does she know! Fear? Nervous? Obsession?!? Fuck.
Obsession is minor as to what I feel towards her. Obsession
is a pale attempt at love. And then to say I need to be
like Richard! WHAT!! I am Brandon, not her fucking husband,
the measure that she hold everyone up to! She says I get
nervous and that pushes her away, Fuck she’s just looking
for things to push herself away from me. Looking for a way
to get away from what is hear between us, what lies in our
hearts. Sure I get scared when I don’t know how to deal
with what is happening to her. I don’t know what is
expected, what is needed. I just flounder and jabber. But
when I’m quiet, in those moments of doubt she questions it,
knowing still that I’m nervous. What can I do?!?! I try to
act as myself, to just be in the moment, yet I slip easily
back into that uncomfortably that comes with not knowing
what the next action should be. Maybe that’s the problem,
the ‘should be the next action’ should driven by the fear
that if I make the wrong move, she’ll despise me and leave.
I think that’s it, in a nutshell. That fear that she will
go if I do the wrong thing. What is right really? What is
it? Just be myself? What is myself? Maybe that is still a
scary thing for me, trying to see who I really am. I’m
normally quiet unless I fear being alone, of feeling the
emptiness between myself and the world so I try to bridge
it with words. Rushed and stumbled upon words. Is it that
the gap can only be filled with the One? It seems that way,
at this moment. And if I fail at that, keeping contact with
the One enough to fill that void? How do I not rush out and
try to fill it myself. Faith that the One is there?
Patience to wait it out? Acceptance that the space of time
I feel the emptiness will pass? Maybe. Maybe the whole
thing just resides in those things. I’m usually pretty good
at them. Sitting it out, letting things pass on over and
through me. It's when I feel the fear of loss of my love
that I spaz out, loose it inside on some level and it comes
shooting out my mouth in a tumble of words. I hide behind
those words and their meanings. Hide behind the barrier of
language to hide my fear of that open unknown.
POWERLESSNESS! I am powerless over my fear of loosing her,
of loosing anything. And when I scramble to take care of it
my life becomes so unmanageable. I’m coming to believe that
the One will restore me to sanity. To let me just be with
the possibility of loss. And now the decision, the decision
to let go of her, or the idea of keeping or loosing her.
Neither are within my grasp. They are outside of my
control. So I do let thing go to the One, to God. I turn
over the fear of loosing or keeping her to God, turn over
the whole relationship with her to God. Its so
uncontrollable. I want to control it only because I need to
know the outcome, unless I give in to faith. Give in to
love. I can do that today.




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