Sara9870

Sara
2003-10-31 09:17:00 (UTC)

wish

so its 1015. im struggling here, to not be sad and start
crying. silly really. ya know ive written2 of these in the
past day and theyve both been erased somehow. frustrating
really.

i want to go home, back to my apartment, i want to lay on
my futon, watch some tv, drink a glass of wine, listen to
music, write some more of my letter to marco...

i think im fucking up with him. i dont know how thats
happened. i feel like im fucking things up somehow. i feel
like maybe i really am the damaged goods i thought i was.

but i also feel like its ok for me to be scared. i feel
like alot has happened between us in a short amount of time
and i think i am allowed to get scared at the speed of
things and the feeling and the lack of physical contact and
really if i start thinking about it........ i dont want to
start thinking about it.

all i know for sure is that i love talking to him. love
reading his emails. cant wait for him to come here. i know
that generally speaking i like this and i very much want to
see where this goes... and i very much like our day to day
interactions, and he is very dear to my heart...

im hurting him though, and this i dont like. im hurting him
just by being me. this is me. i am insecure and full of
doubt when it comes to boys, especially ones that like me.
ive never broken anything off tho, because of fear, that,
i've never done. ive always been willing to fight it out.
only thing is that its been a really long time since
someone wanted to fight with me. they leave me. they break
up with me. thats how it goes.

really, am i crazy? am i a crazy horrible person for
doubting the extremeness of his love?i dont think so.
especially considering his reaction. he doesnt really
stand by his feelings. when i doubt, he starts doubting
himself too. but i think he has his own doubts, ones he
doesnt tell me and that he is pushing aside. which is ok i
think.

really, what i think, is that i dont want all this drama.
why cant we just speak to eachother, feel for eachother,
write to eachother, see eachother, and not have any
messiness on the side? is it EVER like that?
iris says that 'the first 10 months are supposed to be
blissful, no problems" shes always had relationships end
like shit tho, and everyone else i know, their relationship
always starts to get rocky when there are serious feelings
coming up, fear always butts its way in when there are
really feelings at hand.

i think what i want is for things to be not so insanely
serious because really, they cant be, as we live in friggen
different countries, all this can be is what it is. and i
dont know how stuff like this works. i know ive heard loads
of stories about super long distance things, but what are
the stages? how do you know? there was a girl in italy, she
was studying with me... she had gone to greece the year
before, and her waiter at this restaurant asked her out...
he didnt speak english and she didnt speak greek but they
both spoke italian so that was how they communicated. he
visited her a few times while she was studying.. i hear
they are engaged now,,, i dont know who is moving where,
but how does stuff like this work???

i cant think about stuff like that. i can only think about
today, and tomorrow, and how i put him in a bad mood and
that just breaks my heart. the boy is just so good, he
deserves to be happy, not to have some crazy woman making
him miserable. but i know i make him happy too, i know i
do, i just wish that was it, none of this sadness.

i also know i dont want this to stop. i just dont. im
afraid im scaring him away.

im also tired, so tired. im supposed to be making fliers
and going around to the bars around here with my brother to
give them out for tomorrow. im stressed about the party.
was stressed about the stupid costume. all the stores were
MOBBED and i cant stand the mobs.... i was walking around
looking for my mother, through these crowds and i just
wanted to cry... and i kept saying no sara stop sara youve
been so good sara... this is really the first day ive felt
depressed like this... well it lasted what? 2 weeks? thats
good, i cant stay like this tho....

everything will be ok...
marco will call tomorrow and everything will be ok... he'll
tell me he doesnt hate me.... we will work this out.
(please)
the party will go fine, enough people will come
i will look very pretty as the snow princess (ill send you
pics marco, or dress up again when you come here?)

maybe im the one who creates the drama. i went into this
whole speil about that life is elsewhere book... the poet
who thrives on creating drama around him in order to write
about it... ive always been scared that i do that, and
always question if its really living when i see other
people do that... also i come from a family of crazy
italians who thrive on melodrama.... ive talked to
christina (my cousin, shes a sculpter) a few times about
this... we share the same genes... she says she worries
about this too sometimes,,, but that we are conscious of it
whereas the rest of the women of the family are not, and
thats just how they live... all they know,... so i guess
its more than the artist thing....

and marco has always reminded me of Lefteri. lefty, who
made me start this diary in the first place, he set it up
for me, sent me the link while i was in italy and
said "write in this." lefty was one of my best friends, i
adored the kid. he was also one of my few guy friends who
i'd never hooked up with. we were purely friends. i could
talk about things with him i really couldnt talk about with
anyone else. he, tho, was very melodramatic, very overly
passionate, especially when it came to women, he was always
falling in love , and writing songs about falling in love,
and i never believed he really loved these girls, cause he
would get rid of them so quickly... lefty also decided to
restructure his life every couple years and the last
upheaval got rid of me... he hated me. hate. i would see
him on the street and hed pretend not to see me... we had
one little stupid fight, (but whatever we were always
fighting,. it was almost good natured) but i think it was
something rita told him... and he made all these judgements
about me even tho hed known me for years... and when he
gets an idea in his head, no one can get it out... i havent
talked to him in i really cant remember how long...

reading marcos entries,, back in the day before i met him
(i feel like such an internet dweeb) he reminded me of
lefty... probably the way he talked about red, the passion
that he talked about everything, even cutting his
toenails...

but ive changed my mind about that. he's not like lefty.
jesus am i just afraid of being deserted? am i afraid of
not being understood? with chris, i needed him to
understand me. i get so weird, so sensitive about certain
things and he said once "sara youre not like any other girl
i know but youre not so hard to figure out. i sometimes
dont listen when im half asleep but i know you, i
understand you, i love you. youre not as complicated as you
think you are." i dont know that made me feel better

how can you love someone if you dont understand them? if
you dont know what their insides, their brain is like?

how can i say this about marco? he's been reading private
thoughts i dont let my friends read.... really he knows me
at my very worst...

friendship is different. friendship takes time to develop.
there is time for stories, and talks, and you have years to
learn to navigate this other person, that i like, that i
am good at... you dont have to trust them right away, or
love them right away, or be in a dangerous situation right
away.. i mean you eventually get there, but through all
this time.. the trust comes naturally.... comes from all
sorts of things...

i have a problem with everything happening all fast.

ive been so happy tho, so happy.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up and everything will
be all better'
so its 1015. im struggling here, to not be sad and start
crying. silly really. ya know ive written2 of these in the
past day and theyve both been erased somehow. frustrating
really.

i want to go home, back to my apartment, i want to lay on
my futon, watch some tv, drink a glass of wine, listen to
music, write some more of my letter to marco...

i think im fucking up with him. i dont know how thats
happened. i feel like im fucking things up somehow. i feel
like maybe i really am the damaged goods i thought i was.

but i also feel like its ok for me to be scared. i feel
like alot has happened between us in a short amount of time
and i think i am allowed to get scared at the speed of
things and the feeling and the lack of physical contact and
really if i start thinking about it........ i dont want to
start thinking about it.

all i know for sure is that i love talking to him. love
reading his emails. cant wait for him to come here. i know
that generally speaking i like this and i very much want to
see where this goes... and i very much like our day to day
interactions, and he is very dear to my heart...

im hurting him though, and this i dont like. im hurting him
just by being me. this is me. i am insecure and full of
doubt when it comes to boys, especially ones that like me.
ive never broken anything off tho, because of fear, that,
i've never done. ive always been willing to fight it out.
only thing is that its been a really long time since
someone wanted to fight with me. they leave me. they break
up with me. thats how it goes.

really, am i crazy? am i a crazy horrible person for
doubting the extremeness of his love?i dont think so.
especially considering his reaction. he doesnt really
stand by his feelings. when i doubt, he starts doubting
himself too. but i think he has his own doubts, ones he
doesnt tell me and that he is pushing aside. which is ok i
think.

really, what i think, is that i dont want all this drama.
why cant we just speak to eachother, feel for eachother,
write to eachother, see eachother, and not have any
messiness on the side? is it EVER like that?
iris says that 'the first 10 months are supposed to be
blissful, no problems" shes always had relationships end
like shit tho, and everyone else i know, their relationship
always starts to get rocky when there are serious feelings
coming up, fear always butts its way in when there are
really feelings at hand.

i think what i want is for things to be not so insanely
serious because really, they cant be, as we live in friggen
different countries, all this can be is what it is. and i
dont know how stuff like this works. i know ive heard loads
of stories about super long distance things, but what are
the stages? how do you know? there was a girl in italy, she
was studying with me... she had gone to greece the year
before, and her waiter at this restaurant asked her out...
he didnt speak english and she didnt speak greek but they
both spoke italian so that was how they communicated. he
visited her a few times while she was studying.. i hear
they are engaged now,,, i dont know who is moving where,
but how does stuff like this work???

i cant think about stuff like that. i can only think about
today, and tomorrow, and how i put him in a bad mood and
that just breaks my heart. the boy is just so good, he
deserves to be happy, not to have some crazy woman making
him miserable. but i know i make him happy too, i know i
do, i just wish that was it, none of this sadness.

i also know i dont want this to stop. i just dont. im
afraid im scaring him away.

im also tired, so tired. im supposed to be making fliers
and going around to the bars around here with my brother to
give them out for tomorrow. im stressed about the party.
was stressed about the stupid costume. all the stores were
MOBBED and i cant stand the mobs.... i was walking around
looking for my mother, through these crowds and i just
wanted to cry... and i kept saying no sara stop sara youve
been so good sara... this is really the first day ive felt
depressed like this... well it lasted what? 2 weeks? thats
good, i cant stay like this tho....

everything will be ok...
marco will call tomorrow and everything will be ok... he'll
tell me he doesnt hate me.... we will work this out.
(please)
the party will go fine, enough people will come
i will look very pretty as the snow princess (ill send you
pics marco, or dress up again when you come here?)

maybe im the one who creates the drama. i went into this
whole speil about that life is elsewhere book... the poet
who thrives on creating drama around him in order to write
about it... ive always been scared that i do that, and
always question if its really living when i see other
people do that... also i come from a family of crazy
italians who thrive on melodrama.... ive talked to
christina (my cousin, shes a sculpter) a few times about
this... we share the same genes... she says she worries
about this too sometimes,,, but that we are conscious of it
whereas the rest of the women of the family are not, and
thats just how they live... all they know,... so i guess
its more than the artist thing....

and marco has always reminded me of Lefteri. lefty, who
made me start this diary in the first place, he set it up
for me, sent me the link while i was in italy and
said "write in this." lefty was one of my best friends, i
adored the kid. he was also one of my few guy friends who
i'd never hooked up with. we were purely friends. i could
talk about things with him i really couldnt talk about with
anyone else. he, tho, was very melodramatic, very overly
passionate, especially when it came to women, he was always
falling in love , and writing songs about falling in love,
and i never believed he really loved these girls, cause he
would get rid of them so quickly... lefty also decided to
restructure his life every couple years and the last
upheaval got rid of me... he hated me. hate. i would see
him on the street and hed pretend not to see me... we had
one little stupid fight, (but whatever we were always
fighting,. it was almost good natured) but i think it was
something rita told him... and he made all these judgements
about me even tho hed known me for years... and when he
gets an idea in his head, no one can get it out... i havent
talked to him in i really cant remember how long...

reading marcos entries,, back in the day before i met him
(i feel like such an internet dweeb) he reminded me of
lefty... probably the way he talked about red, the passion
that he talked about everything, even cutting his
toenails...

but ive changed my mind about that. he's not like lefty.
jesus am i just afraid of being deserted? am i afraid of
not being understood? with chris, i needed him to
understand me. i get so weird, so sensitive about certain
things and he said once "sara youre not like any other girl
i know but youre not so hard to figure out. i sometimes
dont listen when im half asleep but i know you, i
understand you, i love you. youre not as complicated as you
think you are." i dont know that made me feel better

how can you love someone if you dont understand them? if
you dont know what their insides, their brain is like?

how can i say this about marco? he's been reading private
thoughts i dont let my friends read.... really he knows me
at my very worst...

friendship is different. friendship takes time to develop.
there is time for stories, and talks, and you have years to
learn to navigate this other person, that i like, that i
am good at... you dont have to trust them right away, or
love them right away, or be in a dangerous situation right
away.. i mean you eventually get there, but through all
this time.. the trust comes naturally.... comes from all
sorts of things...

i have a problem with everything happening all fast.

ive been so happy tho, so happy.
i just want to go to sleep and wake up and everything will
be all better'