Cold chillin

Bernie Calderon
2003-10-31 01:24:42 (UTC)

Commissary

mood: see below
song of the moment: all u wanted by michelle branch (arrrr!!!)
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I've been sitting in front of the computer screen for the
past few hours trying to think of something to write for a
research proposal. What should be an incredibly easy
exercise has turned into an insurmountable challenge that
I have no interest in conquering. I have neither the
clarity to theorize or formulate a possible trajectory of
research, nor do I have the patience or apptitute to do
so. As each day passes, I come to realize that I'm not
suited for the academy, for does academia need yet another
frustrated, disillusioned academic within its ranks?
Passion is a necessity in my field. I'm certainly not
studying what I am for the perceived accredation or glory
and riches; there are none. And if I've no passion, what
then? Do I simply give up and resign myself to a life that
has no purpose?

I don't want to be who I am right now. I suspect that much
of how I identify with myself is inextricably wrapped up
with my persona as student. If I disentangle myself from
that, will I find myself? Or will that, which I understand
of myself, become even more convoluted than it is now. As
I wrote earlier, school and excelling as a student was how
I defined myself; it was what gave me a degree of comfort.
But now, when I no longer gleam joy or fulfilment from
that, what becomes of me?

This is not how I envisioned my life at 20. I should be happy,
revelling in the trivialities of life, not burdening myself with
unhappiness at every turn. I don't know what to do. I'm
too tired to have to think about it. But if I don't think
about it, then I'm left to tread along this path of self-
destruction. Obviously I have to do something, what, I
don't know. But maybe I'll know one of these days. I just
hope that, that day is soon


bERNIe




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