2003-10-28 16:11:42 (UTC)

give me these moments back, give them back to me...

how does one fuck up microwave mashed potatoes? I CAN MAKE
SUSHI DAMN IT. i can cook, what the fuck. i can only say
that my mind isnt with me today, maybe even more than

the stupid cunt isnt going to work with me on this class.
im going to drop it. ive never dropped a class but i will
not take a C in any class ever unless its an insanely
challenging class that i have tried my best at. dumb cunt
son of a whore bitch. i know where you live.

"We divide the world into true and false, black and white,
right and wrong, gay and straight, man and woman. Isn't
this extreme? If you can't see the grey area, you're dead
in the water."

And if your entire life and every thought consists of grey
area, what then? Then are you - am I - not dead in the

When every feeling I have is an extreme and every thought
is ambiguous grey area... it feels like every word that
comes out of my mouth is complete and utter bullshit. As
if the difference between real and imaginary doesn't matter
at all.

As if all that matters is the twitch of my eye and the
swell of my veins as I pull the blade along the skin and a
trickle of warm red blood flows to the surface.

And in this moment, it doesn't make any difference how gay
or straight I am, how ugly or pretty, how good or bad, how
crazy or sane.

And that is the beauty of it, that moment right before my
eyes can finally close and shut off the tears, right before
I can finally float into sleep, that feeling that only this
moment brings now.

(Her presence once brought the same feeling, that I was
safe to sleep as long as she was next to me, and I could
only fall straight to sleep if she was there. But these
chances are gone now, and nothing like the uneasy, nervous
feeling when he's in the same room.)

In this moment everything is not stopped, but paused
leaving a moment of emptiness and nothingness long enough
to fall asleep, even if only wake to the same scene.