Ramblings of a Mom
Ad 2:
2003-10-28 13:32:12 (UTC)

Okay, kinda better now...

I did call my husband last night, and he knew that I was
crying when I called. He was still working, was in good
spirits, with me and otherwise. I asked him if he was
coming home and he said yes, he just didn't know how soon,
because they had to get this thing fixed that he was
working on. He told me not to be upset, and what was
wrong. I told him that I just needed to talk, and that I
wanted to talk to him. He told me that he would come home
as soon as he could, he just had to finish this first. I
knew after that convo that I wouldn't talk to him that
night because it takes him 35 minutes just to drive home
from work, much less finish what he was doing and get
home. I heard him come in and even know when he climbed
into bed, but I wasn't up to talking by then, so I
pretended to sleep through it. Although I was asleep
verrry shortly after he was in our bed. I think because I
knew he was there.
This morning I woke up before the alarm went off and
attempted to cuddle with him. The first thing he told me
was good morning, sweetheart, now what did you need to talk
about? I told him, rather bluntly, that I felt like we
were drifting. He told me, we are. But not in a bad way.
We are drifting into life. That is all it is. I told him
how it feels like Mike (my ex) and I don't want to go
through that again. That I am scared. He told me that
this is not Mike and that he is not going anywhere. That
he has told me that before and he will tell me that again,
he is NOT going anywhere. He tells me and I expect you to
be here too, and not to go anywhere either. He goes on to
say that we are just drifting into our 'responsibilities'.
That his responsibility is his job so that he can make
money for our house. My responsibility is to take care of
our house.
It was so nice just to be able to be near him and to feel
his body next to mine. To feel him relax under my touch.
It wasn't a long time that we spent together this morning,
but it was worth every moment. He reminded me that I
needed to get going, that I was 'wasting time' because it
was getting past time to wake up my son and get him ready
for school. But I told him, I desparately need this time
with him too. He told my son and I that he is going to
hopefully be home before my son goes to bed tonight, at
least. (He goes to bed at 7:30).
He's right, I need to remember that he is not going
anywhere, it's just easier said than done sometimes. He is
such a good person and an incredible man and he does so
well by us. He puts in these extra hours with work, just
so that we can have nice things, so that we can afford for
me not to work. And he never complains about it, not
once. The most that may happen is that he may ask just to
rest on one day of the week and not run around.
I don't think that I will ever regret my first marriage or
my ex-husband, just because of the gift of my son that I
have now, who is soooo funny right now! But I do get angry
sometimes for how he treated me and how he left us, so as
that now that I am in a good relationship, I can't just
trust it. Because I trusted once, and I lost. He walked
out on us and never looked back. He just went straight to
another woman's house and arms. Don has always told me
that if we ever ended, it would be because I left, not cuz
he left me. I never wanted to leave, I just wondered about
him, because of our distance between us. I need to
remember, it's just about responsibility and life. Our
schedules don't mesh right now, but we still love each
I better go, I've rambled enough today. Later!

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