2003-10-28 04:06:37 (UTC)


I was just putting some lotion. and i noticed that the
veins on my feet and hands are popping out like way a lot.
like matts. grossssssssssssss. why are they doing this
now they hurt when i look at them. and i have this big ole
bruise on my leg i dont know where its from i dont remember
falling down friday night but.

god my eye wont stop its driving me up the fucking wall i
want to scream every time it does it know, twitch, twitch,
twitch STOP!!!!!!!!!

ew, he invited himself along with me and sebastien to
horror nights on wednesday. which means id have to blow
Matt off and I cant drink. nope. hes not coming, i'll tell
him i changed my mind and im tired that night. Cus i dont
want to blow matt off, I'm trying to walk the fine
workplace line between being a total bitch and leading him
on. and even more cus i plan to drink away my sorrows and
have a GOOD time that night which of course will be
impossible with him there.

And I might have a date with this girl. She's alright.
kind of ordinary. ugh I dont know im just not up for
dealing with people right now im not interested in it. im
too busy with other stuf(her).... which is why i think it
would be a good idea to try to be interested in someone but
i cant seem to talk myself into it.

anyway we got coffee after work and talked. i worked 9 and
a half hours and was late getting out and i was sort of
distracted, which i still am as i try to finish this
bullshit fucking paper. im not enjoying this semester.
but i didnt come to any reasonable conclusion. i dont know
what would be best, OBVIOUSLY.. i mean WHEN have i EVER.
but i think talking to her helped in some way, it didnt
help the confusion but i think she understands more now and
i think my mindless babbling brought a couple things into
light i hadnt thought of on my own. i like that starbucks
by the way and i think i'll go back there again.

i dont know. i just dont know what would be easier im
tired of it shes being ridiculous and stupid and stubborn I
WOULD help her, i would be MORE helpful, i would do her
laundry and clean for her and keep her focused on school
and I'm making all this money that I dont know what to do
with III would help her shes just being so stupid and it
irritates me to all hell and then she writes some things
like this morning and makes me feel bad for being angry and
im just so....ugh. sitting there with her ---even with the
god damned inevitable fucking phone call--- the last thing
i wanted to do was say i dont want to see you anymore. but
the very closely following second to last thing i wanted to
do was walk away knowing she was going home to that cunt
and not knowing when id see her again. so. maybe i should
just blow my fucking brains out.

or maybe i should write my paper and go to bed.