Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
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Ezoic
2003-10-28 01:21:16 (UTC)

Monday Night...

Well, it's after 7 pm and my husband is still not home. He
hasn't called all day (which is not unusual). I just wish
that he would have at least called or told me this morning
that he was working late tonight. I haven't gotten much
done today, but what else is new.
I just stay busy enough so as not to cry all day and all
night. I talked to my Mom for a while earlier today and I
found out that my baby brother's fiancee just got orders to
evauate in CA (cuz of the fires) and they talked to my
nieces and sister-in-law of my oldest brother and they are
on alert. My brother's fiancee's parent's house had
already lost electricity and such. It's scary to think
that they may lose their homes. What's worse is that his
fiancee is to fly out tomorrow to meet my baby bro in
Hawaii before he arrives back in CA. They are having some
serious probs (she's been accused of cheating, and I don't
necessarily doubt it) and they don't need to lose
everything else too.
Well, one of the main things that I have realized today is
that I feel like I am reliving my life with my ex-husband,
except this time, I know how that one ended and I am not as
naive. What's really messed up is that I am probably
totally off base, he's not trying to stay away from home or
whatever, and yet I feel like that is what he is doing
today. I wonder, do I make him happy? Is he happy? Is he
even in love anymore? Or did my trip with my son to the
coast for a few days show him what bachelorhood was like
again? All of these questions I have, and yet I don't have
anyone to answer them.
I hope that I am wrong, and that I am just being insecure
because of what my ex did to me (and our son), but I won't
know until he gets here or whenever we get a chance to talk
about all of this. I'm not eating (which is never good
when you're 29 weeks pregnant), but I just get sick to my
stomach after a few bites. I can also tell that my
feelings are affecting the baby, it's being unusually calm
right now.
I tried just telling my son tonight that Mommy is having a
hard time right now and that I need his support. He asked
me what support means and I told him that it meant that I
needed his help and extra love from him. He is trying so
hard just to make me happy, but he doesn't know how. This
is not his burden, I need to suck it up, but I don't know
how until I can talk to my husband and get this
straightened out. I've been like this with him before, and
he was upset that I actually compared him to my ex, but
here we are again, and I need him to reassure me again.
He's not a very openly affectionate person, and I know
that. Love didn't even used to be in his vocabulary. Much
less saying I love you. He told me once recently, "I
probably don't tell you often enough, but I do love you.
You know that, don't you?" I remember that statement and I
try to remind myself of it, but I am still afraid of
this...it feels like a distance between us.
My Mom says that she is pulling away from my Dad too and I
just told her, yeah, but you guys have been married for
going on 34 years, you always work it out, no matter what.
I don't have 34 years under my belt with mine yet, only 2,
and I'm nervous. I had 5 years with my ex and he split on
us.
I guess I better get offline and just call my husband and
see if he's coming home. I just always feel guilty doing
that because I don't want him to think that I am checking
up on him....Oh well, such is life!


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