2003-10-26 20:16:42 (UTC)

what do i do.

i know that girl is taking up your time
but i dont care cus i love you baby and thats no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine

maybe i should try harder to give this kid a chance. i
think about it a lot. but im not attracted to him which
was always sort of the problem with richard. or maybe it
really is a guy thing. because last night i was looking at
matt at dinner, thinking how much i used to love him and
now i look at him and theres nothing. i wouldnt say
nothing but so little.

but maybe i should try. i need some distraction (oh
beautiful release as memories seep from my veins) from her
being on my mind all the time. because i think that has
become far too similar to the same situation i was once in
with matt. we were together i was a bitch i broke his
heart and then i spent forever wanting him back especially
when he was off with some girl he didnt care about. and i
think i know that i wasted a whole lot of time for nothing
there and for different reasons i think thats what im doing
now. whether shes lying to me or has no balls or just
doesnt really care anymore or is the kind of person who
stays with someone who she cant stand... it doesnt matter,
shes doing nothing to get out of the situation. so fuck
it. its too hard. i can do it and i will. and i dont
think i'll be on here much either anymore. i need a little
book i can be completely honest with myself in and not be
toning down or screening my feelings for people. im insane
im out of my mind im a hysterical manipulative clinging
confused crazy person and i have to go now. i have to go

she called me today. i didnt call her back. partly because
i never know when i can call her and partly because i hadnt
decided what i should do yet. im just fucking tired of
this im tired of waiting every day for a chance to see her
and being disappointed and im tired of laying here crying
when she has no idea and i cant even call her and im tired
of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and cry every
time she walks away from me and im tired of laying here
wishing she was here more than anything and most of all im
tired of her fucking apathy about the whole thing. i
cannot take it for another day, im done with it, let her
sit around her messy house, with that lazy disgusting cunt
using her, living a life with no meaning or passion in it I
DONT FUCKING CARE anymore i GIVE UP its over.

and this is over too. i will either use this for random
bullshit unimportance, or i will make it private or i will
just leave it altogether. i havent decided. but this.
reason for being insane and feeling worthless and
unimportant and feeling alone when i lay in bed alone at
night and cry myself to sleep. this reason is over. i
have enough reasons to feel that way. and ive resolved
that ive been wasting my time and making an ass of myself.
its over. its over. and i will say as i did last time i
did this that she never cared about me because if she did i
wouldnt feel this way now and i was just filler
miscellaneous i didnt matter and so i shouldnt care either
and i should hate her instead of being full of love for her
and i have to stop this now because it hurts too fucking
much and as hard as it is i'm doing it because i dont have
a choice.

..I felt nothing. Then I felt a small, deep thrill, and a
bright seam of red welled up at the lip of the slash. The
blood gathered darkly and rolled down my ankle...I thought
it would be easy, lying in the tub and seeing the redness
flower from my wrists, flush after flush through the clear
water, til I sank to sleep under a surface gaudy as