2003-10-26 06:55:40 (UTC)

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story...

...From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a
wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a
husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was
a famous poet and another fig was brilliant professor.. and
another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a
pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat
professions... and beyond and above these figs were many
more figs I couldnt quite make out.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree,
starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind
which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every
one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest,
and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to
wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the
ground at my feet.


So I swallowed my barbel today. I need to go get a new one
tomorrow. I slept most of the day today, got up after noon
for the first time in months, then took another nap at 3.
i got some nice stuf, my parents spent too much money which
i dont really like, because i feel like a brat, but then
for even thinking that i feel like a bigger brat, so i
guess what the hell its their money and if they want to
spoil me with it, good for me. anyway i got a new computer
and a new printer and scanner and of course my car stereo
and the puppy were for it, and i got some stuf like
jammies and rocky horror and the big big fairy for my car,
i saw one in gainesville once big big and ive wanted it
since then. tomorrow im guna put it on and retint the
window he fucked up.

anyway we went to dinner and went to see breakfast club. i
was glad i got to go cus danielle told me about it and i
didnt figure he would go and i really wished caroline could
cus she loves that movie too but i knew she wouldnt
be "able" to. i dont know how how how she can even say
anything about me still having him around, when shes so
her bitch, fucking driving out to ucf to bring her gas
money and paying for everything and running home the second
she calls. it really makes me mad. because last night
matt called and said hey im getting out early. and i
said "I'm at sebastiens. I have plans tonight, I'll see
you tomorrow" which for me was a lot. and i decided a
while ago that it has nothing to do with how i feel about
him at the moment, I WANT certain people in my life, I
need them there and how he feels about it shouldnt be #1.
yes i do sometimes feel bad, because i know that some of
the things i do i would be livid and devastated if he was
doing, but. he has never put me first. and so im putting
me first. and the fact that i want her around and i want
ashley around is more important than the fact that it would
hurt him. i dont know where im going with this but she
just makes me so mad, it would be a different story if, i
dont know things were different, like there was a time that
i put him first before myself or anyone else but that was
because my heart was in it and i couldnt help that, but
hers isnt, she claims to not love this bitch or care for
her and in fact she drives her crazy and they have nothing
in common and shes dumb and lazy and everything else but
then.... i dont get it. and the whole financial
convenience thing has been pretty much shot down now that
the dumb cunt is quitting and carolines paying for
everything anyway so im not buying that one anymore

im so close to just having one last cry over it and letting
it go because its just too hard. i need more balance than
this in any relationship with anyone my friends and
everything, its why i dont have many. i cant feel like i
care more and i cant feel like they care too much more. i
have to feel like im loved and like i can love them. and
important. i know that to do it id have to stop seeing her
and it would be really hard but ive done it before for the
same reason and ill do it again if i have to, i know she
worked a double today but she didnt even call to say happy
birthday i mean 30 seconds, i know she came last night for
5 minutes and again maybe i expect too much but. i dont
know. its just too hard and its been going on too long and
i really do understand that people do what they need to do
and that people do stupid things that they think they need
to do and i know ive done far more than my share of stupid
or fucked up things but its hard to look at people i love
and accept that they're being dumbasses. its why i get
angry at claudia over her job and not being in school, and
at ashley for her sexual escapades. because i love people
and i see them being retarded and it makes me mad, but in
this case its affecting me too and so that may be where i
need to draw the line.

i feel like shes lying to me. or maybe i hope she is.
maybe i dont want to think that shes the kind of person who
stays in a meaningless passionless relationship she doesnt
care about out of convenience and lack of balls.

not that my situation is ideal either. but. well maybe
its just not. except that he's been a big part of my life
for 5 years and i was once in love with him and this is
just some dumb hooker she ended up with when we broke up.

im tired of talking about this. and im tired of crying
about it. and im tired of thinking about it.

i know im strong enough to do it. i just dont want to, im
so happy when she has time for me even if its only once a
week but i dont want to be THAT girl either. and it is
hard when she leaves and its hard every night and it will
be harder next week when its cold out. i just dont know.
i guess its time to stop making an ass of myself and
staying in a place that is only going to continue making me
feel this way.

maybe i ain't used to maybes, smashing in a cold room
cutting my hands up every time I touch you
maybe maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
time to wave goodbye now.........