Angel

DayDream Believer
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Ezoic
2003-10-24 19:55:24 (UTC)

Waking up beside him

I was so tired (my doctor said the sleeping pills would
make tired in the morning) So Tommy left befeore me, I
wanted to go first, cause then I didnt have to lock the
door, witch now meant first pick up the key he trew on the
floor and then loock it. But I was to tired so I stayed, I
barely made it to my 12.15 class. I was in my own wourld,
half asleep half awake, like in a coma.
Afther class I stil feelt to tired, so I went back to his
place and sleept a few hours there, then Tommy came home
from work.

Let me first say thet taking sleeping pills is not me, I
had it bacuse I was so scared of loosing Samuel when he was
dyeing, but I diddt use it all then. Now I`ve learnd: when
using it the next time, make sure you have time to waste a
day you insted could use to good study.
Cuse thats one of my problems, when me and Toomy fight, my
whole world stop, and his dossnt, and that hurt me. I cant
do anything, he`s on my mind all the time. So thats why I
call him all the time, and I go to him, contact him first
and all that stuff, not because I want to, but because I
need my life to go on. I need to clear up things at once.

When Toomy left me Satturday I thought this is it, I cant
take this anymore, its over. And for a while I belived it
too, I didnt think he had broke up with me like I told him,
I just wanted him to know what it looked like.
But then I changed my mind, Im not perfect eather, I hurt
him all the time, and I love him.
Sooner or later Im sure we`re gonna break up, this can not
last a lifetime unless something or someone change in our
relationship.
I love him verry, verry much, and belive me, this is not
what I want. But I cant take all the fighting and stupid
details anymore.

This is not a entry about something, but about a lot of
little things, like the feeling I cant explain. It was like
I was back two years ago, trying to reach S*, I had no
boyfried, a drunk father, feeling verry bad and I was even
listning to the same songs. I was all alone, mybe for the
first time in my life. I used to take Samuel to walk with
me outside under the stars, talking about my life and
problems. I havent done that, I, the person who used to
love to see the stars in the sky, bacuse it reminded me of
Selina, now it seems like Im unconcinous trying to avoid to
look up on them. What am I so scared of?
I now I feel pain, I know I miss the a lot, I know I`ll do
anything to have them back, but I cant feel it. I feel
nothing but emptyness wthen it comes to this things right
now, it makes me a little scared, but not all that much,
cause I know I`ll love them and never forget them.

Angel


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