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so had a lovely evening, even tho yanks lost.
lets get to the point. end of evening-
my mother was with us tonight. she comes out sometimes.
since the midlife crisis, she has started drinking. Great.
i have fun with her, i admit.
the only thing is that she has accumulated all these
friends, these girls MY AGE AND YOUNGER who have no sense
of what its like to be married with CHILDREN. and all these
MALE FRIENDS. and my house is in RUINS. this is what
created my desparation to GET OUT.
its NEVER been pleasent. we;ve always lived with my
grandparents. they are insane. arranged marriage, no real
love, only duty. duty to love and old italian 'to suffer is
to live' mentality. whatever.
father was an alcoholic in the early years of marriage. he
wasnt there for her. she had to ditch the job she went to
school for (social work) for something family related that
made money (real estate). my father did, though, stop
drinking, and did work very hard for twenty years as a
truck driver. he got laid off, long story. he has always
been a good father. to all of us. he has always been there
when we needed him. for reasons i dont know i always start
crying when i think of my father. maybe because he has
always seemed, instinctually to me even when i was a baby,
a sad, unfulfilled man. he didnt even get the opportunities
my mother did. his parents left him alone when he was 15.
ALONE. he had no choice but to drop out of school and
support himself. get his own apartment, pay his bills...
true he did this for ahwile by dealing drugs and things
like that but what the hell else is a 15 year old on his
own supposed to do? and here he is with three kids ,
bending to our every whim his WHOLE life...
while my mother.. privelaged, with money, getting advanced
they meet, marry, have kids, and decide, kids come first....
my brother and i, we came first....
i have never understood their marriage...
my father has been an unfaithful bastard... but who can
blame him with a cold fish wife?
and he is TRYING. he has been TRYING for years, to save,
rekindle their marraige... she has only been thinking of
and i know i am old enough to say, ya know what, your
parents are not you, they are separate people, let them
deal with their own shit....
i cant do this for two reasons:
one, is andrew.
YOU CANNOT THINK OF ONLY YOURSELF WHEN YOU HAVE AN ELEVEN
YEAR OLD CHILD, you just CAN"T/ i dont CARE about
personal needs. when you are a MOTHER, youre personal needs
MUST be put aside for your CHILD. he is INNOCENT. he didnt
ASK to be born.
i am more of his mother than she is. he calls me when he
has trouble with homework,. he asks me for money, i am the
one who takes him places, i am the one who stays home with
him when i have other things to do because i recognize that
an eleven year old boy should not be home by himself. i am
the one he TALKS to, really talks to. i am the one who
worries about his well-being, who sees that he is too
above all, i am the one he asks "where is mom? why doesnt
she want to come home? why would she rather be with her
friends and get drunk then be with me?"
i have to come up with answers for this.
and whatever, thats fine, this is all fine. i LIKE being
there for andrew, i like this responsibility. i love him
more than anything on this planet, i always have, and when
i am with him the world suddenly makes perfect sense. i can
say 100% that he is the reason why i am here right now.
i know tho, that absoletley NOTHING replaces a mothers
and i cannot forgive my mother, or give her leeway, for not
being there for him. especailly when she is instead
spending her time with people half her age and paying for
so i have animosity towards her. alot of it.
and i dont have anywhere near as much anger towards my
father. because he is THERE for andrew. he spends time with
him, takes him places, does the baseball thing....
my father has been bearing with my mother at the same time,
defending her, being there for her, even though she treats
him like dirt.....
another thing/// the second thing, why i cant distance
myself from them-
is because i am very VERY financially dependant on both my
parents and grandparents...
it has always been instilled in me from them to follow my
especially my grandmother.
she has always told me-
we came to this country for YOU.
for our GRANDCHILDREN.
we want you to follow through with this gift you have. and
we will support you.
this has spoiled me.
yes, i am a total spoiled brat.
yes, i have been handed lots of things on a silver platter.
yes, my college education was paid for.
but i cant underestimate myself . i got myself into nyu...
i got myself into a very hard school to get into by working
very hard... and i did GOOD. i got latin honors. i worked
my ass off. i spent night after night with my nose in
books, because i WANTED TO. i wanted it, very badly.
but i got their full financial help.
they are paying for this apartment i live in.
yes, i give all my checks to my mother, yes i pay for all i
can, but i live the way i do, and experience what i
experience because my family has MONEY . stupid MONEY. i
need their help to sustain my way of life. really, to
sustain my sanity. which is admittedly very delicate.
i dont know how else to be.
if i lived the way other people do - with a job i dont give
a shit about but able to support myself- i would be
utterly miserable. i need for there to be MEANING to my
days, and my job gives me that. i help people in desperate
need of help who desparately seek help, who cant find it
anywhere else . i do this every day and i get paid shit for
it. there is something in me that justifies this. my family
gets lots of money off of owning land and buildings, and i
give all of myself to people that dont have anything.
i could work at another school, one that doesnt take an
hour and a half to get to, one in my neighborhood, and i
could get paid triple, but i cant stand the thought of
leaving these kids alone. i really , truly, feel like they
need me. and i need them. they make me feel good about
myself, like i am actually making a difference in someones
i dont even know what i am saying anymore. all i know is i
got in a big fight with my mother cause we were both drunk
and there is no other time to talk to her and there is alot
of built up hostility on my part and probablyon hers too.
she is scarred for life from me and the whole killing
myself stint and thinks my brother is a failure and she is
frustrated that she is the one that supports all of us...
i still think she needs to be a goddamn mother and a
goddamn wife, and not a mother to strangers and certainly
not holding hands with strange men right in fucking front
of me cause she is drunk and they are pretending to
my steam has been vented.
i feel better now.