Ad 2:
2003-10-23 22:35:23 (UTC)

ya think depression and depth might be linked?

so i am in a severe bullshitting mode. i feel like i have
been furiously writing bullshit in my head with every step
ive taken sinse leaving work
its so COLD outside, so cold that i couldnt walk home from
the train, i had to take the bus... its a twenty minute
walk maybe and i just couldnt take it. its supposed to be
warmer this weekend... which is good... i am EXCITED for
this weekend... tomorrow i am going to great adventure for
fright fest.. which ive never been to... something
halloweeny... but all the rollercoasters are open and
stuff, and i just cant wait. im gonna drive my dads car
down there, maybe 8 of us are going.. then saturday julie
and i are taking andy and gina somewhere upstate to go
apple picking, pumpkin picking and go navigate through a
corn maze!!! ive ALWAYS wanted to go into one of those
cornfield mazes... i think that sounds SO cool. and then
saturday night is game 6... which i am going to try to get
tickets for... ill ask chris if he can get me any... ive
been talking to him here and there lately, just online ,and
its been normal, we only really talk about baseball, and he
is going to hire this girl i know... which she is really
happy about... i dont know how he is in any position to
hire anyone... but he has gotten promoted 3 times in this
last year and is making a shitload of money. he was making
a decent amount while we were going out... it must be
insane now... but he has moved in with his mother, all the
way out on long island... he keeps talking about moving
back to astoria but i dont think he will, i hope not soon
anyway... it was good timing, how he moved right after that
horribleness in june... i didnt have to worry about seeing
him on the street or stores bars delis the train... now it
wouldnt be as big a deal, but i like that hes a good hour
and a half Away... anyway i really really dont understand
how a person can be so unbelievably fucked up but still so
successful and competant at work.

was also thinking about crushes today. Let me tell you what
a crush is.
a crush is something that takes up a part of your day,
serves as somewhat of a distraction, something that is
appealing in fanstasy because you know it will never pan
out. like, a crush on a teacher. a coworker. in my case, a
student. i was going through my crushes over the years on
the train and comparing them in my head to things that were
more than crushes.

i was looking out the window and remembered this one kid
that i had a BIG crush on and this is how it went. he was
also going to school in florence, at the same program i
was. i saw him around sometimes. i think i wrote about him
in this actually. i liked his eyes, they were this very
piercing dark blue, it was the first thing you noticed
about him. and i didnt want to talk to him because it would
totally ruin the crush for me... at some point my roomate
brought him over and i didnt even look at him, and was
dissapointed because his voice was a little weird and then
poof! the crush dwindled once be became a real person. a
few months ago, he came to visit new york and he called up
my roomate and she invited us both out, didnt tell me he
was coming, and i wanted to bop her on the head when i
walked in and saw him. but we ended up talking all night
and the next day he took the train here to astoria. it was
all very friendly, no romance at all, i gave him a tour,
and even sometimes now when i look out the window above
ground in queens i remember his utter glee when i picked
him upfrom the train. he jumped into the car all
smiles, "this is just how i imagined the real new york to
be!!" (he'd been to manhattan, just never the outer
boroughs and you dont get people very often that fully
appreciate the outer boroughs) he marveled at everything,
and sometimes i try to look at all this with new eyes... it
always makes me happy... anyway i never talked to him
again... the crush was over once he became a real person...
and this is what a crush is...
NOT someone who continuosly puts new feelings into your
insides... who you feel is slowly understanding you, who
you are knowing more and more... by there workings,
reactions to things... however far away they may be... : P
( (im talking to you, melonball)

was also reading a little of this new nick hornby book i
picked up.. its a book of essays about songs... very
interesting.... he is a big bruce fan... every book he
writes he has to stick in something about bruce... and
bruce made a little cameo in the high fidelity movie...

anyway so one of the songs he writes an essay about is
Thunderroad. which is one of my favorite songs too. and the
essay is about how this song somehow FEELS like him...
throughout his life, different stages its meant different
things but the feeling always feels like something of
himself is looking back at him through the song when he
listens to it... he compares this to a book he read by anne
tyler,,, i forget the name... he said he read it as he was
just becoming a serious writer... and that this book felt
like that song... it felt somehow like it was him... not
the characters, not the expierience, but the feeling (he
explains this much better than i) and that even now he
doesnt feel like he has written anything that feels more
like him than this book this chick wrote.

that made me think: i havent really read anything like
that. i feel ive had expieriences with art like that, like
there is something so strong looking back at me that feels
like myself... but nothing literary. my favorite authors:
tom robbins, but he is a little too wordy, too verbose.
milan kundera, but he is a litttle to... something. arcane?
heavy? a little too... chauvinistic?? alex garland... (the
tesseract, not the beach) but he is a little too
hollywood/actiony.... notice how all my favorite writers
are men... female writers dont really do it for me... i
like margarite duras... but have never really been able to
get into her full novels... maybe i should read some more

wondering if i have a voice... writing teachers have always
told me that its remarkable that i have a distinct voice at
such a young age but i think they dont know what they are
talking about cause i dont really even know what that
means, to have a voice for yourself.
and i certainly dont have the confidence. that ive been
aware ive needed to work on for awhile... but i dont have
the confidence because i havent gotten down the WAY i want
to write yet... its in my head just not on any papers...

and even tho its cold i love this weather. yesterday the
sky was wild. when the train came above ground i thought i
was on jupiter or something. it was also that weird
twilight part of the day only there are lots of low puffy
grey rainclouds.... i walked home lookin around in a daze,
the color of everything was just so crazy
today it seemed like there was so much color everywhere
suddenly.. the tips of the trees are red... braches of
leaves yellow... everyone has their fall decorations out..
halloween decorations.. i love halloween... i eventually
have to think about my costume and this STUPID party my
friends and i are having. i dont know WHAT possessed me to
do this i HATE throwing parties... we are having it at a
club my cousin works at... a 2hour open bar, dj, dance
floor, all that jazz... im afraid no one will come and we
will be stuck with the open bar bill... which is 800
bucks... we are charging ten dollars at the door to cover
it... i feel like vomiting just thinking about it...

ok now that ive written another entry full of absolute
shit, ill go jump in bed, have a nice bzzzzzzzzing session,
shower and head off to the bar for the game.

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