Leah

Ramblings Of A Confused Mind
2003-10-23 16:58:58 (UTC)

im sorry i couldnt be perfect

Sometimes in life, you dont know what to do. And when you
need someone most they arent even close to being there.i
dont hate my dad. i jus dislike him bc of all the shyt i
have seen him put my mom through.. and i feel like hes the
one that caused most of this... i understand why diane
always says, walk a mile in my shoes, feel what i do, and
youll see why i do what i do. he has no reason to act the
way he does, as i dont have a reason to act half the way i
do sometimes. nothing in my life or anyones life is an
exuse for something. there arent exuses, jus like there
isnt luck. theres fate, and it only takes you so far and
its up for you to do the rest. and i know i havent been
doin all my part..sometimes i jus dont know what to say..
cuz those three lil words aint even close to being enough,
to how i wanna thank you for puttin up with all my shit and
all.i know i cant run away from it all, but everyday it
gets worse. i dont want to treat my kids like that... and
you do whatcha learn. what you see everyday-- thats what
you are. you are who your parents are. i believe in changes
and all. but still. nothins gonna change the things you
said.. im sorry that i cant be perfect....i know you hafta
regret nothing and learn from everything. dontcha every get
tired of learning from everything though? i mean, mom jus
called, i aint even been home to see her yet.. cuz i
honestly dont wanna. im tired of hearing stupid shit. i
swear. i wish you understood exactly what i mean by saying
shes sick, i wish anybody did. i hope that no one ever has
to go through it, and i know why heather does the things
she does. shes jus tryin to get her mind off of it all. i
mean, hearing your mom call you a whore, or a nigger lover,
and that not being something shed usually do is really
screwed up. its like she takes on a whole new personality
that i hafta to adapt to, and i jus wanna sit down and cry
about it.. but i cant find the tears.. and i cant find the
reasons. because im not her and im not going through it
like her-- im jus sitting there. i wonder sometimes why god
would do something like that to a person that loves him,
and does everything in her power to worship him. is it a
lesson to me, my dad, nathan? why does it hafta go through
her? i do love my parents more than anything... i jus dont
like um.thats a hard thing to understand i guess. i
understand how life is supposta go more and more everyday..
and it sucks. theres this one great thing about it, and
thats you.. and i hate when i do stupid shit. that makes it
seem like i dont care when i do. i jus aint so sure that
its gonna last jesse, and im scared. cuz if i loose you,
what do i got honestly? i mean it took me all this time to
realize how great you was , what if it just takes you a
short period of time to realize that im not everything you
thought/think i am. id be back to point 0, hell id be in
the negatives. id have no words. id have nothing, but utter
shit. and its hard for me to say all the things i feel..
cuz everytime i have it jus goes in one ear and out the
other. so for once i jus wanted to sit back, and for
someone jus to know that i love um, and them not hafta hear
it. i want it to be so visible in my eyes, that every
noticed the different step i take, and the smile that makes
my day, and the way i jus am, is different. im glad that i
have my parents, and i feel sorry that you had to go
through what you did. i wish you would have never had to
handle something like that. and i wanna be here for you,
and not jus bitch about all my shit. it takes some ppl long
to deal with things.. i mean stupid shrinks n such havent
helped. its hard, o so hard. and i can only imagine how you
feel. and im sorry for jus thinking of myself.. when all
along, i shoulda jus realized that what i have may not be
perfect, but its great compared to what shit other ppl have
to go through. you didnt call today, i didnt know what to
think. cuz i didnt mean to do what i did. i still cant find
the words for what i wnated to say, or what i felt when you
said screw you. maybe if i woulda got out the car and told
you i was sorry that i did, i do , i will for as long as my
heart allows, you would know. but i didnt. and maybe thats
my fault. but thats me. sometimes i screw up, and im sorry
i cant be perfect, but i wish i could be.. so that you
wouldnt guess anything about it. i do. i love you with all
my heart, and i hope that one day you will jus know how
much that is, and that things i say and do arent cuz i
dont. cuz i do. i was hopin to see you but i guess your
pist or whatever, you got reason to be.. but jus
understand, lifes crazy right now. and im not pushin you
away, im jus wondering whats gonna happen. i gtg though.
ill ttyl bye sweets. i love you.




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