munkeysgrowontrees

The Diary of Me
2003-10-22 16:57:55 (UTC)

22nd October 2003 05.38pm

wow...i've read sum of my old entries and stuff and, its
so weird cuz...it dusnt seem like it was me writing, it
wasn't really...it was my mind...my head...and i dont have
control over my head because...i dunno, i just dont..if ya
know what i mean. These questions...who am i writing to
really? I knwo the answer...i'm writing to me...my mind
is writing, my feelings are writing to me...to help me
understand...i dunno. To me it makes sense...a bit. but
my mind is confuzzled, my head is confused anyway, so...
Ages after i stopped writing in this diary...i dunt no
exactly when...things started to go absolutely wonderful
for me, and i mean fukin great...i just one day got this
big...thing...and i had loads of confidence and i hav no
idea where it came from...actually i think it came from
socialising with people and stuff...i wasnt like, so
nervous around lads anymore, well i mean...take jamie for
example...jamie jeffrey, i fukin loved him...i think i
still do but i cant...nyway...i was so fukin nervous wen
he wanted me...wen he fancied me and i fancied him, but
then i dint feel so nervous that id go bright red and cry
or sumet and stutter, i was just...butterflies and then i
got into him and was at the happy tree in front of
everyone and i kissed him so many times and i felt so
happy bc i thought sum1 loved me...the thing that i feel
embarassed about now tho, is wen i was on the bus home adn
krissie askd me how it ppend i dint no wot 2 say and went
birght red...but i try 2 4get that...apart from that it
was perfect...and it wasnt just that day...i had so man
fukin good days and i was so fukin happy then it ll fukin
changed, one stupid fukin
day...AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!I just
dint fukin realie how good evrythin was goin for me and i
was ungrateful and dint ask myself how or why and i dint
think i just took it for granted, goddamit! well,
payback...ive lost everythin and im worse of than i
started, im hopeless and useless and wasting away. I dont
know what happened...but i know the cause, it was the
beginnig of the summer hols and mum decided that a wasnt
allowed in town during the week bc i was wasting my life
away...i got so used to bein stuck at home, that i just
stopped goin down at the weekends and it went on for about
a month of not goin down town...then it got to months and
then...i just went to fast...but i dint GO to fast, ig ot
drunk and cried a lot and then...i dunno, i just cudnt
speak...i cudnt do anything...i cudnt go 2 fast becuase i
felt...humiliated?...ashamed?...i dont know what i
felt...and thats it...this is me now...i have no
confidence, i had to quit my gcse drama and exchange it
for art b/c my confidence was non existant and i cudnt
cope with ppl lukin at me...i cant talk 2 ppl about guys
and stuff...i even get self conscience and eembarassed wen
i do the one thing ive always loved to do...and thats make
ppl laff...i just dont seem to hav the confidence...it
seem o pathetic and unfair bc ppl hav noticed the
change...they mite not realise they hav noticed it...but
they have, and they treat me different, the dont seem
interested in me anymore bc they expect me to be there to
make them laff and im not...its absolutely killing me
becuase all i want...all i want seems a bit...i dunno...
but all i want is my confidence back b/c i built that up
myelf..well, its my fault for dumpin it like i did...i
feel sick thinkinnbout my stupid mistake...if onl...if,
if, if....god what if is such a horrible, sick
feeling...what if?
Im not going to say i havent tried to help myelf because i
have...i cant understand myself at all though...it's as
though it isn't me that's speaking now...like i said it
isnt...its my mind...but it seems that there isn't just me
here...like sum kindof schizophenic thingymagijigy, if u
no what i mean...sumtimes i can go 2 kool feeling
confident and stuff other days ill feel so embarassed just
going to school and i have so many of these different
feelins...i always have tho...like wen i had confidence i
hd my off dys wen i went down town feelin selfconscious
and stuff but id cope...now i cant, i fel so self
conscious i just stand there like a prat an go red...i
have no idea...im just o confused and i h8 it...i just
dont think i know who alyssa is, i dont even know whether
there's not just alyssa in there....i dunno...


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