Ad 2:
2003-10-22 00:25:01 (UTC)

whats love got to do with it

ok, deep breaths.
i need to try and stay a rational sane person. alrighty. do
this even with my upcoming monthly blood flow thats about to
begin a-ragin' it is a terrible curse really... a good
week of every month where a woman is certifiable and should
not be held accountable for her words and actions.
anyway. hahah. deep breaths.
so another good day all around i guess.... marco called in
the morning and it was so nice to hear his voice, i took him
with me as i nearly ran to the train and before the train
went underground into the city... i was afraid to pick up
the phone at first... afraid to talk to him... like i was 15
again.. or the way 15 year olds usual are... afraid to talk
to boys they like... which doesnt make sense...
got to work only 5 minutes late to find my student had
cancelled for the hour....

something nice: i got observed today by one of these new
bosses i have... i dont even remember her name... but she
has taken over the domain of the tutors and the training and
all that. i initially didnt like her...
but in the meeting we had afterwards she had not one bad
thing to say about me. she was so lovely. and affectionate.
you dont really get touching in the workplace but she was
touching me alot almost like a mother and it made me like
her very much. she was just telling me how great i am, what
a gift i have, how she is going to arrange for other tutors
to come watch me so they could learn something, just
compliment after compliment and not even one constructive
criticism. i was so shocked. i felt so good.

after that session i had my last student of the day... i
looked in my bag and noticed i had a voice mail... i shut my
phone off when i go into the school... i had to piss anyway
so i go to the bathroom, and check the mail while the
student reads over somethings. the voicemail is from marco
and its so sweet and i am practically flailing with joy on
the toiletbowl. its such a funny voicemail and im laughing
and at the end he says 'i love you, so much' and i start
tearing because his voice just sounds so sincere...

i dont know so i can barely contain myself as i sit back
down with the student... its a good session.... was a good
day tutoring wise. i actually like these tuesdays and
thursdays because they are just private tutoring days. its
less stressful for me than being in the classroom, it comes
more natural... i am already nervous about tomorrow... i
always get nervous the night before.. alll those eyes....

anyway before i leave i go online again.. and i guess i was
just kind of overhappy. with the compliments from my boss,
all the successful sesssions, talking to marco earlier, the
so i was a little crushed reading the email that was waiting
from him... it was just really very normal feelings he was
having... doubting his feelings for me... i think its normal
under any circumstances... he said something i said made him
qquestion himself... i dont really know what it was tho... i
looked over and couldnt really find anything.
i do tho, feel really stupid for saying alot of the things i
said/ i dont know things i really felt. i really did feel
like a young girl again, a girl who wasnt the damaged goods
that i guess i really am. ok i might be feeling sorry for
myself now.
i dont. i dont know how to reason out feelings. i dont know
why i felt so light and free and unafraid. all i knew was
that i didnt want that feeling to stop. i still dont. i
wonder if its possible to feel it again. anything is
possible isnt it?

another way chris has fucked me up: he was always very
adamant about not wanting to hurt girls. i still believe
this, that he hates doing it. its why he cant break up with
them, why he'd rather drive them away somehow. its cruel
really- playing on a womans tendency to blame everything on
anyway that was my first thought... he wants to get rid of
me, this is his first attack, ive done something terribly
unrational thinking but you can understand where it comes from.
i do lots of irrational thinking. tons of it. if i wrote all
of it down id havent a clue what was up or down and neither
would poor marco, or if i said it all , all my friends heads
would be spinning as much as mine is every momentof the day.

for a good solid two or three days after i came home from
italy and read his entries, i didnt register not one of the
beautiful things he said about me, not one of them. one ear
and out the other. all that i registered was that i was
"rather plump" that was it. plump like a poop. hahahha. the
boy said some of the most beautiful things about me that
anyone ever has, ever. and for a good two days my brain just
didnt get any of it. but i recognized it as an irrational
thought, let it pass through, and reasoned it away. which is
what i do with bad thoughts when i am level headed. which i
have been lately.
which is just what i did when i left work
i headed right for the bridge and i wasnt even above water
before i was feeling much better. i forget what a true path
to sanity that bridge has been to me over and over again.
one and a half miles of something like peace. i mean , there
are cars all around you, there are people walking to and
from manhattan, tourists snapping pictures, the big gapw
here the wtc used to be, but there is also the city at this
weird angle i can never get used to, the water, the boats,
the statue, the criss crossed wires....
i said there is something inside you sara, that knows there
is something real here, and something good. and its ok if
everything else is hazy. its all alright. take it like it
was any other relationship. nothing needs to be decided upon
right now.
i called rita and told her some of this. how mostly i was
sad about losing that feeling, that feeling i had because i
was just wrong about it. i was talking a bunch of shit i
guess. and she said no, you werent, and you can still feel
that way.
i stoppped at some point and said 'listen to what im saying?
im sad about a boy i just met last week retracting his i
love you. a boy an ocean away whom previously only exchanged
emails. am i mad? and she laughed, said course not, and
gave me lots of reasons why i wasnt and that it was ok.

ive always been hyperconscious of whats normal and what
normal people do. i know this is not a 'normal person'
thing to do. ive been like this cause it was the way i made
myself sane when i was crazy back in the day. but i always
end up doing crazy things anyway. thats how i end up living.
thats what attracts me. its part of my balance.

i feel like there is way too much i want to say.
how do you really get to know a person, all the quirks about
them and how to deal with them and even if you want to if
you dont get to see the person. you cant, thats how.
so you see marco youre just gonna have to get that cute
little ass over here.

oh look friggen gloria estefan singing the star spangled
banner at the world series. what a yutz.
alright i have to go watch the game now and think of
something to cook for andy because what a shock no one is
here again.

i hope everything is ok again tomorrow.
i feel healthy, like i am a healthier person. i really haven
t felt this good in i dont remember how long.

sitting there during that high point of my day, i was
thinking of him, just heard his message and his sweet voice
and was filled with such a calm and warmth i couldnt
remember the last time i felt that.

and walking over the bridge trying to feel better i listned
to the messsage again and couldnt find the doubt in his
voice that he was speaking of. he sounded so sincere. i have
to believe him.