Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-10-21 17:23:23 (UTC)

pinpointed something

I have noticed recently that I have a fear of being
alone. Like I know people are out there talking to me,
but I kinda need people around. I have neighbors who are
around sometimes. That helps. I just noticed that I got
a lonely feeling the second Chris got offline to go shower.

So I guess what I need is the constant conversation that
we have. We talk about normal every day stuff. Sometimes
it's sexual, but not always. More often then not it isn't.

It's a lot like how Dave and I used to be. Before he got
distant on me we talked a lot.

Chris is a great guy, but it's not him I miss so much as
that conversation. I want my Dave back. Or at least
someone who understands me on the level that Dave did. I
cannot explain that really. He just got me in a way that
few do. John gets me in that way too, but he's not as
available to chat as Dave used to be.

John and I do talk most evenings, but that leaves the rest
of the day for me to want to talk with someone. Someone
who gets me on that level.

What I find crazy is that Chris seems to get me on that
level. At least he does so far.

The one thing I don't want to do is take up too much of
his time though. I know Chris has a life and a wife that
need his full attention. I don't need to be a big
distraction from all of that.

I guess i'm a walking contradiction. Dave has a girl and
I want to take up more of his time, but it's the opposite
with Chris. His time does not need to be taken up by me.
Talking every now and then is fine with me.

I think I got spoiled on Saturday being able to chat with
Chris most of the day. There was a time when it would
have been like that with Dave.

Pierre was trying to cheer me up today. I thank him for
trying, but it does not seem to be helping much. Right
now I am down in general. I can sort of escape all of that
when I talk with Chris, but it doesn't totally go away.

It's like a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
That something is going to happen feeling. I am thankful
that it has been a long time since anything majorly bad
happened in my life. I just wish that I could shake this
feeling.

Part of it must be nerves. This conference in Vancouver
that I am leaving for tomorrow is something really new and
exciting. I am a little freaked about the whole thing
since I've never gone to one before. It will be fine
though. I just know it will.

For now I'll go back to my mocha and the reading I need to
do for my Art History paper. I need to turn it in to my
prof. tomorrow. It's due on Thurs, but I won't be here.
I'll be up in Vancouver.