bonni

ramblings
2003-10-21 02:48:35 (UTC)

one door closes as another opens

does anyone even read this? just random... sometimes i
feel like i expect an audience, but i'm talking to
emptiness........ who knows lallala

i feel like i'm in this inescapably horrid marriage to
jonathan. it's over... our "just friends" relationship is
over. this is the second time he's gone to macon (to see
his "dad") and of course he talks about this girl there
that's in love with him. well. it finally happened. i
have a date. adam, this guy i've known for a long time..
he and his girlfriend of around 6 years called it quits
over a month ago. he and i had gone out once (during one
of their many breaks) about 2 years ago, and had a blast,
but they'd gotten back together, so we kinda drifted.
now.. this sunday.. we're going to spend the whole day
together.. i haven't seen him in two years.. i've gained a
whole lot of weight.. i'm sure i don't look that good.
what if i don't look that good? what if the cute, clever,
intelligent girl that he thought he'd known all along
doesn't exist anymore?

well.. anyway about jonathan.. i told him about the date
and it was so nonchalant.. i didn't even know if he'd heard
that i actually had plans. i feel like he's totally taken
me for granted. i guess you get what you ask for. tonight
he walks in after work to the house. holly and i are
sitting there watching tv and he walks directly to the
fridge and takes out a piece of cheese (the only thing i
have in the fridge) and he grabs one of the sprites i had
left because i bought them to replace all the drinks he
takes of holly's. i'd cleared out a space for him on the
couch and he bypasses it and plops down in the small
crevice between holly and i. then he tells me i look
stressed. i'm not stressed (not too bad), i'm just really
exhausted as i have been for the past few days. i'm just
drained by this time of night and i haven't slept through
the night since last thursday, and i had a migraine that
night... then.. i knew it was over between us tonight when
holly gets up to go shower and i change the channel because
there's a show i want to watch. he grabs the remote and
says he's not going to change it.. he does.. and we end up
watching some golf movie.. i start dozing as he strums on
his guitar. finally, he moves the case over and puts the
guitar in it and announces he's leaving. his guitar's been
here for 2 weeks. sitting all around the house OUTSIDE the
case... that's the only thing he's left over here. and
that was that... he leaves. what he's good at. leaving
and taking what he wishes.

i don't regret anything we ever had, because what happens
happens and you learn from what you've experienced. but he
has no right to just write me off like i never entered or
affected his life in any way. i've fooled myself and been
naiive for long enough. now i finally have a shot with the
one that got away, however the distance is so great.. and
the time has gone so fast.... i wonder.. will it work?
will it have a chance? i don't want to be alone, but i'm
not going to fall into something again, just because i
can't be alone. i'm better than that.




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