2003-10-21 00:51:33 (UTC)

warm gun

i keep getting these emails from NYU about people on campus
killing themselves. there is apparently some kind of
epidemic going on. what are they so miserable about? 2 of
them jumped from the 12th floor of the library. from up
there, the floor is dizzying. the library is square shaped
with the middle open. i remember taking a tour of the
library (its something like the second biggest library in
the city) and the tour guide telling us sometimes people
jump from this top floor cause the floor looks like spikes
coming up... i always hated looking down... so 2 jumped
from there... some more from dorms... some buildings in the
i find this weird. what are these people so depressed
about? everyone that goes to NYU comes from well-off
families that can afford to send their kids there. they are
in this happy dream world of learning, living smack in the
middle of the village in the heart of the world. what i
wouldnt give to be back in school. well thats not entirely
true. i guess im ready for the new chapter of life.

im trying to tell rita that now that shes having sex she
should go on the pill, ive been on the pill for years but
started taking it for my PMS which used to turn me into a
raving bitch with delusions of slamming my car into a tree.
rita has always had it much worse than me but refused to go
on it. now she is saying that she is worried about gaining
weight. this is the reason why EVERY GIRL WHO IS NOT ON THE
PILL REFUSES TO GO ON IT. i say the same thing to all of
them "youll gain a lot more weight when you get PREGNANT,
ASSHOLE." girls are so stupid.

so i had another lovely day. i woke up very tired. but took
a shower and felt better... had more time than usual to get
ready... which i like... obsessively checking my mail to
see if marco wrote back which very nearly made me late..
hahah... and it was perfect out today.... i wore my nice
workpants to work instead of jeans... im going to dress
nice this week to somehow make up for my guilt of the two
days i missed... so just a long sleeveshirt and jean jacket
was all that was needed, nice and sunny... i was in such a
happy mood on the train... reading the paper, smiling out
the window...
that italy trip did just what i needed it to. i am
attributing my better state of mind to italy, marco, and
myself. : ) i knew very well that if i didnt go to
italy i wouldve gone nuts. i guess its nice that there is a
place on earth that will always make you sane.
one night, in rome, at a pub, we started talking to these
three people, i dont know if i mentioned them before , they
were lovely. one of them spoke english very well, and
translated for the other two who started speaking pretty
good english once they got comfortable. the girl, her name
was rafaella i think, didnt shut up once she started, but
she was so cute, and little, you wanted to just pick her up
by her nose. she asked me do i like rome or florence
better? and i said im sorry i like florence... and they all
got very angry at me, ans she said "But sara, rome is where
the story began." what a delightful argument.
anyway so almost everything i see in italy puts me into
this trance like state. different from the trance like
state i get into when i go anywhere really unfamiliar. a
certain kind. that i feel only before certain things. like
i am getting lost in something much bigger than me. i
somehow am more suseptible to that countries portals. and i
was trying to think of things here that have made me feel
that. usually just certain art things. like the gerard
richter exibit at MOMA. the da vinci drawings at the met
(ok thats cheating, its imported italy) the Blake exhibit,
the gaugin, the van goghs. the nyc photography they had at
moma. the city from the top of the trade center. i guess
the top of the empire state building but it doesnt have all
of the city in front of you and the water behind like the
wtc did. water. oceans. certain music. certain poetry
maybe. i just reread ulysses the poem and got that feeling.
i dont know.
must run..........