Angel

Dangerus mistake

read previous entry for more information.

It was like a sudden pain came over me, real pain, itdid
hurt fysically. I was also shocked, suprised and upset
about it. So I called him and asked where he was. He had
passed the brigde a while ago (the verry expensive one, who
I had bright a card to pass over cheeper) I aksed him to
come back, but he wouldnt.
I asked what was wrong?
I had been going to the internet and chatgroup. He had not
liked it, didnt understand why I had him there if thats
what I wanted. I told him that my plan was to quit at once
he came back, but ofcouse he didnt know that then.
I cryed a lot, he hang on. I called him agen afther short
while, he was home now, we talked, I asked him to come back
to me, told him I was sorry and that we could heva a nice
weekend afther all, but he didnt wated to come.
I wrote him a few messages, cryed out verry loud, it was a
good thing I was home alone, I was so sad, it hurt so much
and I dint know what to do.

This is the short story, its hard to tell the long one, one
of the reasons is that I dont remeber all that much and a
nother is that there is no world to explain the pain I
feelt, the sorrow, the gref, I was totaly upset, and didnt
know what to do.
I called him at night to, sometimes during the talk was I
calm and talked normal about normal stuff, other times I
cryed a lot, asked him to please come, told him that I
needed his so much and so on a million times. He said no.
I finaly got to sleep hoping that I would wake up from
someone knocking on my vindow, but when I woke up, I was
all alone agen.

Karoline was a bit angry with me, she had came home at
about 3 in the morning, and then the oven was til on!!
I put it on just before 7pm, the I took the food out but
was to bussy to turn it off, so I forgot it..
That could me one dangerus mistake, what it the whole house
got on fire, I looked in the own, and it was all black,
when we cook now smoke comes out.

I tryed to think on Satturday, it as you might think, I was
not verry rasionally. Sunday it was better.
And here is some of my thoughs for bouth the days: this was
the last time he left or dissapointed me, remember our
nationalday, second day of christmas and so on....?
But I love him, and was scared to lose him. Stil, why keep
he dissapoint me and leave me like that??
A nother thing is, I asked him to come a million times that
night, but he wouldt, and I said that there is no worlds
for how much I needed hime to come right then, and stil it
seemed like he didnt care.
I needed him!!!!!!!!!!
I always do my best to come if someone needes me, Tommy,
Kelly anyone who sais I need you, and I know its serious I
go to. Thats what freiendship and love is all about right?
I was sad, I didnt wanted us to break up, but the way I sow
it, he allreday did break up.

Sunday night I could not fall to sleep, I was to upset,
went to bed about 8pm but not able to sleep. So I wnt up
agen about 10 and conected to the chat.
Chris had been logged on all the time, but I didnt know if
he was sitting behind the screen or just conected, I
wonderd if I should say something, but didnt. I wanted him
to come to me, we havet talked since May, and then he didnt
answer my messages, so I quit sending.
I got into S* and his friends webpage, and sow something.
Then I sendt hima mail asking him a qeation about it, verry
short mail. We have never wrote mail to each other before.
I did that for me, not to get revenge on Tommy.
I figured, if de dont answer, the we`re not freinds, then
all he wants is to sleep with me, and Im not gonna let
myseld get used. So if (or lets say when, cause I know its
going to happend) he contacts me when he`s back for
Christmas, I could refuse him, knowing that it wassnt ME
he`s afther.

But he answerd, and I sendt him a knew one, he responded to
that to, and I havent wrothe him anymore. He`s not in our
chatting chanal anymore, not since they moved, if he was,
then I would like to talk to him.

So know you probobly understand why I was so sad last week.
(my only joy was S*)
I was back where I was two years ago, remember my entris
then?
Well, I had no boyfried, unhappy in love and my father was
drinking. It feelt like nothinmg had changed and my life
might as weel end.

Angel

PS.
I know I didnt explain the happening between me and Tommy
verry well, I made it short, but what happend it what I
wrote happend, and the feelings, the pain, was worse then
ever. How come they get worse everytime, when it really
should be the other way around?
I should be used to it by know.
Well, the story is yet not over, I`ll write more tomorrow.