Halow Effect

The Nile's Edge
2003-10-19 09:19:33 (UTC)

The Next Big Attack

i'm in the dorm alone real early in the morning....like
4:40 AM and i can't stop watching "the Ring" cripes. i
think i'm scared. whoever the main man is in this movie
needs to give me a call...yum.

i met dane cook
i met dane cook
i met him i met him i met him
he autographed my jacket
in order to do that
he had to touch my boobie!
dane cook
the best night ever.

so, saturday was a lazy day, which isn't a good thing
because there were things i could've been doing. i still
have to edit and repair my paper that's due monday along
with two peer reviews; i have to read out the ass for
archaeology; and then more ass stuffing reading for euro
history. and it's required that i go see a lecture
(archaeology) and write on it by (at the latest) dec 4th
(finals) but i don't want to wait till the last minute
because i want feedback and a chance to re-do it if i have
to.

and things aren't changing. i still feel the same way...a
way that i have been trying to describe for the last 7
years of my life so i doubt i'll be able to sum it up in a
sentence or two here and now. i've never been medically
depressed or disabled or suicidal or so far gone that i
couldn't see things for what they were...but then again, i
don't feel i've lived life for all it could be. i feel
like i might've missed out on some good things. some
things that, as of today, i plan on finding if it's
possible.

i realized that i have a serious problem in here. i've
been imagining something...i've been LITERALLY imagining
that this person, this man was going to come for me at ANY
time. what gave me this idea? this hope? regardless of
where it came from, the point is that it's probably
stunted my ability to exercise my abilities as a
functional woman. you know? i have never gone up to a guy
with the intentions of flirting. i have never asked or
given my number to anyone. hell, nothing like that...and i
have to wonder if that has been because i've considered
myself "taken" for so long. "taken" in the sense that
romance was going to land in my lap one, shiny, fucking
day and i was to have no part in it. it was just going to
happen. *poof* prince charming's here! yeah, well no,
sorry kiddo...not gunna happen. no. that's not how it
works. i have to work to get this. i have to try, i have
to put myself out there...in the least slutty way
possible. but i don't have a game plan yet.

this journal keeps a lot of my thoughts but it will never
be able to hold them all. but i think that's the case with
anyone. i think, at least, i HOPE, everyone else is like
this...thinking all the time and questioning and debating.
i don't know. it's 5:15, maybe i should just go to bed.




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