2003-10-18 07:29:45 (UTC)


today i slept nearly all day. much needed. walked to my
parents house. ate some grandma baked ziti. took my dads car
to buy a bunch of groceries, wine and coffee and took it
back to my apartment, picked up my laundry and brought it
back home here. on my second load, very exciting. my friends
are all over at maya and ricos new apartment here in astoria
but i havent gone over there. its cold and rainy and i dont
really feel like it. ive been sitting here watching tv with
andrew, my parents MIA as usual. one in the morning right
now, andrew is sleeping on the couch and they are still not
home. they arent together either. they always do this. i
just called my mom to see when she would be home so i could
use her car. she is in the city eating with her friends.
i am tired which i shouldnt be. i want to go back to my
apartment, have a glass of wine, read my book and sleep.

at work on thursday i was so PARANOID that everyone knew i
was lying about my two days off. i felt so bad about taking
the two days off to begin with and so paranoid theyd all
know it wasnt a family emergency and i was really just
frolicking about italy. i hate lying. i used to be a great
liar and lied all the time. nothing big, i guess i mean
bullshitting teachers and things like that. somewhere along
the line tho it started to eat away at me every tiny little
lie i told. and i swear one of my bosses knows. she is very
religious and always happy and cheerful and so nice to me.
but i really think she could tell i was lying and was cold
and not talking to me and giving me dirty looks i swear.
i dont know ive also been catching myself telling little
lies. i dont like it. makes me feel like i am a fake. this
world is so removed from truth anyway and there is so much
shit and layers between individuals, even layers in your own
self i really believe the least you can do is always be
honest, or just try to be.

sometimes if i think, really think about certain things i do
i might hate myself.
im going to write about two recent things.
chris was telling me that night how he could see me turning
into a real whore/slut. he said there is a fine line in me.
i said ive been balancing that my whole life and i was a
virgin until 22 so i think that should be proof enough. but
i know the sick kind of things that go on in my head. all
the times ive been with chris since we broke up the main
thing that gets me off is the thought that i shouldnt be
doing this, that i am degrading myself and whoring myself
and its kinda forbidden and BAD. even when we were together
i wasnt able to come unless i had these sick thoughts that i
never really told him about, towards the end it was always
the same... that he had just been with another girl and was
making me fuck him and i had to, i had no choice. which is
just what he was doing. but anyway, when he was over the
other night, he somehow managed to get his hands in my
underwear at some point and i came in about 10 seconds and
pushed his hand away totally appalled with myself. i was
doing something i shouldnt be doing, didnt even want to do
and once i got off on that i really hated myself and didnt
understand and just wanted to throw up. i dont understand. i
also felt bad that he was all telling me his usual i love
you want to marry you speil that i dont believe anyway and i
was just thinking of marco the whole time. and i also felt
bad like i tainted this beautiful thing i had with marco by
coming home and my first night back have chris back in my
bed and i just didnt feel good about that all around. but i
didnt tell chris i had come and let him think that i just
didnt want to touch me like that, which i didnt but it still
felt wrong, the lying part. and more than anything i didnt
want to tell marco cause i was sure he would think me a
horrible sick person. here he is breaking things off with a
nice girl, keeping the purity of the both of us, her and i
and then here i am with my lying cheating alcoholic
exboyfriend. at least now i really feel nothing like that
will ever happen again. there wasnt the love or nostalgia
that there has been in the past. and there was also a sick
part of me that liked being told by two different people in
the same week 'i love you' although chris's love i dont
really believe. he is too fucked up. i believe he does in
his own fucked up way but its not a real way. maybe he loves
the person i am but i dont think nor did i ever that he was
capable of really being in love. he asked again why cant we
get back together and i said again cause youre a lying
cheating alcoholic. he asked alot of questions about marco
and tried to convince me he was a fake and wasnt being
totally honest and probably didnt break up with maria .i
told him he was crazy and just cause he is a liar and will
go to extensive lengths to create elaborate lies doesnt mean
all men do that too. he was shocked at my readiness to
defend him. said "how do you know." and i said i just do,
hes not like you. i was shocked too. at my readiness to
trust again. i didnt think it would happen so fast. i didnt
think itd happen ever really. i thought chris planted these
seeds of doubt that would translate over into every other
guy id ever get involved with. but i believe marco. i
believe everything he says, it never even crosssed my mind
not to. that has to be a good thing, right?
hahah maybe it was italy that got rid of my excess doubt and
gave me some shots of faith.
something else ive been worrying about is if what i did was
ok. if kissing marco on the santa trinita bridge was ok.
ever sinse i booked the flight in the first place i started
having fanatsies about meeting him and having a little
romance. i dearly loved all his emails and they always put
me at such a peace and i honestly developed a fondness for
him just from that. when i started reading about maria i
thought oh shit, now nothing can happen, figures. but i had
the daydreams anyway because i liked them. and it sounded to
me like he wasnt crazy about her and that they had only
really hung out once or twice. and when we met i was just so
immediately taken with him he was so easy to talk to, easy
to be with and at dinner i thought at one point my lord he
is just the same as his writings. he sounded exactly the
same and i got all filled up with these endearing sweet
feelings and then he told julie that he ends up thinking
about me more than he does maria and maybe it was that
comment that put the guts into my belly that i needed on the
bridge. he didnt want to kiss me tho. he was being a
healthy good man. and im afraid you arent supposed to do
things like that. kiss boys who are seeing a girl. act out a
fantasy. ive been afraid i did something bad. it didnt feel
bad then or now tho. i just worry sometimes. i should stop
worrying. haha. life would be alot easier. i just have this
obsession with being good and i dont know. i dont want to be
a bad person.