It smells like poop over here
2003-10-18 06:56:28 (UTC)

if i fall back down

your gonna help me back up again" rancid, not so sure
about that new CD, i haven't really listened to it, but
that song sure doesn't sound like rancid.
i think i just might have either fucked up my life
forever, or made it a lot better. i know for sure that
i've changed it...for better, maybe; for worse, i don't
know. changed? definitely.
let's start way back when, to just about 3 weeks ago. i
believe it was a wednesday, tricia and i rolled on E for
the first time. i loved being on it. everything i thought
of was so happy, and made me happy and very appriciative.
then the feelings started to roll. i used to like tricia a
lot, and i knew she liked me a lot. maybe that's one of
the reasons we always hung out together was because she
liked me, i knew and it made me feel good. but anyways, so
we start talking about love and blah blah blah, it comes
out that we both love each other, we're both in love with
each other and we want to end up together.
that night we slept close together. she was on her
side, with her head on my shoulder and her arm across my
chest. i slept with my head on hers and my arm around her
back and my hand on her side. that's how we sleep together
now. we always discovered that "belgium" by bowling for
soup is our song. "Lately i feel so small, or maybe its
just that my bed has grown, I never noticed it before but
you were there so how was i to know that this single bed
was always meant for two not just anyone it was meant for
me and you, now your half way around the world, and im
just a day behind."
the next day we weren't too shy about what we had talked
about. now when we're alone, or with people who don't care
if we close, we talk about having kids, getting married
and stuff like that. (a long time ago, i was talking to
leah and kayla when we were all fucked up, i said i wasn't
very good looking. leah said "your face is so cute" and
kayla said "id do you if tricia weren't in love with you")
so anyway, we've rolled a few more times and we've talked
a lot more. all we do when we roll is drive around and
talk. we were talking about kissing. i recall saying
something along the lines of "i know, i wanted to kiss you
too, and there were so many perfect times for it too."
i was still kinda hung up on lauren and i don't ever
ever ever want to cheat on a girl, because i know if i do
it once and get away with it, what would stop me from
doing it a second time, then again and again and again.
since that first time, i've doubted my relationship with
lauren. i haven't really talked to her or wanted to talk
to her much in the past week and a half or so. i figured
we'd just break up, but i guess we're still together. i
bitch about her calling, but i still want to hear from
her. when i wasn't really talking, she would kinda ask me
about my day and how i was. now she thinks we're cool and
everything is ok and she just blabs on and on about what
she did that day, how much this sucked and how much
everything sucks. it just annoys me. now im thinking i
have to break up with her so i can be with tricia....im
getting there.
so yesterday, we're holding hands n stuff at meijer
(she's rolling, my buzz isn't that good) and she said
something, and we hugged and said i love you i think. we
were gonna start walking again and she muttered "just do
it". i was like "wha...ohhh" and i pulled her in for a
kiss. we didn't kiss at all the rest of the night until we
got back home and were about to go to sleep when we made
out twice more. so we smoke a cigarette and i play a few
jaya the cat songs for her and point out some really good
lyrics. then we kiss a little more, then a little more,
then a lot more and after a few minutes im feeling up her
boobs, then im sucking on em and rubbing my hang over her
crotch, she moved my hand back up and i now im
thinking, "SHIT!" then her hand is moving around my
waistline then she pulls down my pants a little, grabs my
dinger and preceeds to give me the best hand job ever.
we're still kissing and im rubbing my hands all over her.
after a few minutes i figure her arm is tired, so i stop
her and i go back to caressing her crotch. then next thing
i know my hand is down her pants and im rubbing at her
we didn't mention any of that to each other today, but
we kissed every so often, when we were alone and what not.
she likes a lot of tongue, me, not so much. i like a lot
of lip motion, but that's ok. she really likes to play and
suck on my vassel tongue stud. thing was, today, i barely
thought about lauren at all and i didn't feel guilty all
day. not until now. im just not sure what to do.
if me and tricia end up together...i hope we do, but
we already know our kids names. brooklyn christine for a
girl and CJ or AJ or DJ for a boy. her middle name is
christine and my middle name is jay, so if we end up
together, hopefully we'll have a boy and a girl. we have
similar ideas of where we want to live, and how we want to
live. we share a lot of the same visions of the future. i
think it's because we're so alike, so perfect for each
other and so realistic. it's different with lauren, i can
still kind of see us together, but not as well or as good
as i see tricia and i. lauren and i haven't different
visions. she doesn't want to live in michigan and she
wants to live and a castle that she wants to design. yeah
fucking right. that'll happen...if she ends up with a rich
doctor or something. god damn, why do all these girls have
to fall in love with me, and me in love with them at the
wrong times. let's count em, laura, tricia, andrea,
lauren, jessica and god knows who else.
im not sure what im gonna do about this whole situation
i've created for myself. i have a few hands to deal with.
on one, i could stay with lauren, cheat on her with tricia
and basically have two girlfriends at the same time. on
another, i could stay with lauren and just be friends with
tricia till we end up together or i could break up with
lauren and be with tricia or i could not go out with
anyone. this would be a really shitty thing to do to my
best friend and hopefully future wife; i wouldn't want to
date tricia exclusively. i told her i wanted her to get a
boyfriend, then we could date after they broke up or
whenever we're both single. she said "that really wouldn't
be fair to him because it's you i want" she wants to be
with just one person forever. that scares me because my
brother said that's why my parents go divorced. this might
sound horrible...ok, so it is horrible, but i want to live
life still, there's still girls out there for me to hook
up with, partys to go to and fun to have. that's not what
tricia wants and that would be really really really shitty
if i went out and did that and just made her wait for me.
but i never want to cheat on her, cause i know that would
probably kill me. that's why i think it'd be cool to have
two girlfriends. my god, im a horrible horrible person and
im going to hell. what am i gonna do? i guess ill have to
find out when it all comes at me.