once again
2003-10-18 04:48:49 (UTC)


Today I had a really bad attack at work. I don't know if it
was from my heart condition or if it was my anxiety. I
went home early adn feel so horrible about doing so. I
don't know if they believe me or if they think it's fake.
It scared me, I haven't had one of those attacks since I
was with Eric. I should have health insurance really soon,
however. I'm scared that it might be in my mind. I'm
scared there might be more things wrong with my heart.
Idon't know and writing about it makes it worse but I want
to write it to remember and try to figure out what I can do
to differ the results.

Maybeit's my nerves. Maybe I don't realize I put too much
pressurere on myself. I like working and I like the people
I work with. I don't want them to think I don't like work
because I don't want to pick up a shift here and there. I
don't think they realize that when I work 35 hours a week
it's more then my body can physically handle. I guess
we'll just wait and see for when I goto a Dr. I want to be
normal again but that won't happen. I want to be as close
to it as possible. I don't know though. Maybe soon, maybe
not but I want to feel like I'm in control again. Maybe
that has something to do with it.

I don't know and don't know when I will but I hope this
goes away. It' happens more then I like to admit and the
only reason I wnet home today was because someone at work
told them I was sick. My sister called my manager and told
him that I was sick and the fact that I called her to tell
her I was sick was something more then jus letting me rest
for a bit. I know it was and I know that when I tell her
what 's wrong that it has to be serious. I feel better
now, I'm just tired. I hope tomorrow is a better and
brighter day for me. Maybe....