when i read a brief history of time stephen hawking said
there were something like 3 arrows of time, he did say one
was in our heads but he said nothing about sleep. if time
is an illusion i say the illusion of time must be somehow
created by how much how little if any sleep that you get.
so last night really is my first good and true nights
sleep. which means this is really my first day back.
coherent one anyway. wed dad and andrew picked julie and i
up from the airport. i changed in the car, andy gave me his
yankee hat as my hair looked like a cat just barfed it up.
right to the game. yankee stadium is always surreal. hahaha
my fingers just froze because they went into overload.
theres too much to write. too much to write those arent
even nearly the right words. right here sitting in this
chair is the first time ive been alone with silence around
me... here in my disater area of an apartment... ok lets be
in the moment for a second.... i have a heap of dirty
clothes in the living room area... a mess on the table...
my suitcase in the midddle of the floor... all sorts of
things strwen about... dirty dirty... i will hopefully get
into a cleaning frenzy today which is good timing as that
often happens when i am about to get my period. lets hope i
get it. even on birth control i still end up thinking lets
hope i get my period. (i just remembered- took second to
last pill of the month) this month i wouldnt know who the
father is. i dont know why i think silly things like this.
today i want to clean, i want to fish out my film, go get
it developed. i cant see julie till maybe sunday to see her
pictures. which i dont think i can wait that long. i need
that circumstantial evidence that marco exists. outside it
looks like a fall day . its cold here. much colder than
italy. the leaves are starting to turn. ive been informed
rita has lost her virginity. i havent yet spoken to her. i
cant find my cell phone charger and there is no more juice.
it seems like there is much to do. i need to sit here for
awhile tho and fill up this white space i have here glaring
at me on the screen...
something i was thinking about on the plane: i asked julie
what her favorite part of our trip was and she said it was
the people that we have met. that she didnt expect to meet
such nice people and have so much fun with them. she said
marco, the three british guys, the three italian friends,
the couple on their honeymoon, the guy at the bar on the
last night that we explained baseball to. after she said
that i thought about how the whole rest of our time there i
was thinking about marco. not any kind of hard thoughts,
more like there was a dreamy smokey presence of him
somewhere in me with everything i did and everything i
looked at. i thought funny how you can go to a whole
different country and the biggest thing you bring back with
you is the thought of one little person. i thought and am
thinking now that in previous times in my life i would be
very against this. i would consider this stupid. i would
think, you are in a different place and not thinking about
yourself and ideas and feelings. but i did do those things
as well. i was just as affected by italy as i always have
been. i still cried and prayed for michelangelos soul at
his tomb. i cant stand the thought that he thought he was
going to hell. my praying goes something like this: if
there is an afterlife and if there is such a thing as a
place where your soul is tortured because of the
consequences of your life or mind i will go ahead and fish
your soul out of hell once i die. i thought that would be
the job i would have. getting souls that shouldnt be in
hell out of there. this made me think perhaps i should
translate that into something i can do with my life here.
bt anyway i will write more about these things later. my
point for right now is that i was ok with the amount of
myself that was taken up with thoughts of marco and wishing
that he was with me everywhere i went from florence to rome
to the planes to the game to the train to chris's arms to
work the next day to my parents house to the bar watching
game 7 to right here right now in my quiet apartment with
the refirdgerator buzzing.
i just realized i did something i was worrying about. i am
pretending that marcois not reading this. i dont want to
have that consciousness hovering about me. this is my truth
space. and you can tell the most truth when you feel like
you arent talking to any one person. anyway i just
naturally wrote that way. which is good. i see the white
space and just go and its still thoughtless.
i dont know what to do now really. i like feeling this way
is all i know. there is apart of me that knows its very
unreasonable. and a part of me that wonders why it is
throught my life i always get myself ivolved in these weird
relationships with boys, never anything normal. ever. ive
never casually dated anyone. there is always an immediate
passion and love on one or both sides. i guess this is
because i am not normal run of the mill so am not attracted
to anyone like that either so that means the situations
arent normal either. normal is a stupid word anyway.
from the first moment i kissed him (it was an attack that
for the previous 20 minutes i had no idea that i would
actually do.ive never done anything like that. but at the
last moment i knew it was now, or never, and i waited till
jules walked ahead and informed him i had to kiss him and
went about doing just that. he asked "But why?" which still
is making me laugh. so i answered by kissing some more) ...
anyway from that first time... i felt like i was falling.
that feeling you get when you drop down on a rollercoaster.
feeling of falling. this feeling means something to me.
over the years its meant many things. when i was younger
and fucked up it meant a mood change and i was terrified of
it. i dont know what it means now. maybe its literally
falling. falling in love. i wish marco knew how hard it was
for chris to get me to admit i loved him. i acknowledge my
feelings and then try not to have them, i do this even in
the beginings of friendships. i think i am inherently
scared of the power someone has when they know how you
really feel about them. it comes naturally after all these
years. when marco got on the train julie looked at me and i
knew she was thinking i would be sad but i wasnt i was
happy and smiling and remained so and its only now,
thinking about the train carrying him away that i feel
sadness. i was thinking, oh wasnt that nice, wasnt that
perfect, how lovely, its so nice to know i am capable of
something like that without getting all attached and
passionate. thats the kind of thinking you need when
someone you connect with lives all far away.
this makes me think about something else. i also always get
into situations where i am not allowed to feel the amount
of love thats waiting there on tiptoes underneath my skin
somewhere. i am always pushing it down, trying to quiet it.
ok lets stop thinking too much right about here, lets be
happy and thankful for what i do have. i just had a lovely
trip. that penetrated me in all the ways i needed and more
than i could ever imagine. i met a boy who ive always been
fond of who has always made me feel good and whose words
are echoing in my head and making me feel glowing and mushy
and gushy and all those ushhhhhy words (in a state where my
insides are suddenly sqiushy) and i am subesquently not
thinking of all the things that ususally bring me down into
cold hard dark sadland.
one last thing- right before we made love i suddenly got
very scared he was not the same person i had been mailing.
scared that the real marco sent a fake one down. because i
knew he was all inexpierienced with girls and i didnt
understand how he was making me feel the way he did. when
he went down on me it was just as good if not better than
anyone else. his fingers and mouth worked wonders and i
just didnt understand. you have to have some grasp of the
female anatomy dont you? its like a maze down there. and
anyway i still felt like i was giving myself over and i was
just scared that he wasnt the same person. it was only a
few hours of seeing his face after all. i need to know
things are real.
thats all for right now i guess. i should commence with my
the yankee game was unbelieable last night by the way.
extra innings, the bar was a madhouse almost like being at
the game. people screaming and jumping and chanting the
whole time. i felt like i had developed ulcers. afterwards
everyone was saying that was the best game 7 they have ever
ill write some more later after i get some things done