Mims

The life of Mims
2003-10-14 20:01:24 (UTC)

Fat stupid demons

It never ceases to amaze me how something so superficial
and supposedly inconsequential a thing as the way you look
can get you down.

On one hand, it is very silly and vain, because you know
that there are so many more important things in life.
Reading 'Berlin' and 'Stalingrad' sometimes makes me weak
with shame that I have a house and get to see my family
every day by a lucky turn of coincidence, instead of being
hidden in a mud trench, crawling with lice and reduced to
the bare essence of raw human emotion and needs. Reading
some of those passages just makes my skin crawl, and shows
me the extreme ends of the spectum of human capability.

But then again, there is always something at the back of
my head, nagging at me that it does matter. No matter
which way you cut it, unfortunately the way people look
does subconciously and conciously impact the opinion and
resepct you have for someone and the way you treat them.
At least on first impressions anyway.
I know it's cynical, but after all, it is something that I
have noticed. In an ideal world of course, we would all
treat each other according to a 'persons worth' and other
vague and undefined methods of measuring a person, but I
don't think anybody can argue we are in a perfect world
quite yet.

So.

That leaves me feeling both stupid and justified when a
little voice on the inside of my head tells me that I am
an idiot, have no intellect, repulsive, bland,
unnatractive, not worth noticing, fat and worthless.
Hmm. Something that I don't think has ever gone quite away
since my early teens. Of course I thought I had conquered
it all when I went to college, and it turned out that I
wnet to the extreme other end of dieting, wich also made
me unhappy, and sent me bouncing back to where I began. So
I veer between feeling average and feeling like some kind
of pond scum, and I am not sure if I will ever find a
happy ground as far as my appearance and so
called 'intellegence is concerened. I don't think that if
I shrunk down to beig the thickness of a sheet of paper I
would ever be happy about it.
It's weird when you think that you are getting over
things, and then these old little resolutions crawl back
as if from nowhere.........'look at you. It repulses me'
'Tomorrow we will work on it. Tomorrow no food'

I'm not sure what kicks me into it. Mirrors? Time alone?
Stress? Or just nothing.....just me?
I thought I was getting over this...then again I always
think that.
But I think writing helps. I never used to confide my
thoughts with anyone, not even a computer sceen before.
Perhaps venting my feelings will help me to realise that
it's all just a state of mind that I do need to get out of.
I don't know.
We all have our demons....and is it alright to keep them?
Maybe I could make a pet of this one. He could become
cute, fluffy and funny?
Heh. A fat ugly stupid demon pet.
Could be fun.
*Deep breath*
Yup. Writing helps. Feeling better.

'An optimist believes this is the best world we could ever
live in. A pessimist believes this is true.'

I think I'm both - but ironically, that just doesn't lead
to a balance....
Damn Physics, where is it whe you need it?

Love M




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