2003-10-14 17:18:16 (UTC)

she said trust me baby, it'll be alright.

ive decided to do my best to find my way to a
professional. maybe things would be different for me
today if i had done this 6 and a half years ago when my
mother tried to make me. but that doesnt matter. all that
matters is that i dont continue this way i wont make it.

give me the drugs. i know talking to them wont help
because they will insult my intelligence because im smarter
than them but give me the drugs or whatever the fuck you
need to do to make this go away. so that i can just live
the way i want to live and love the people i want to love
and not break down hysterically because i cant remember a
fucking word or because i fell asleep waiting for her to
come over.

i have to go to work. im praying again. please god make
this go away and give me if nothing else the faith that it
will someday be better.


i love you hun. and i miss you and im really sorry i
couldnt see you this weekend.

god i dont know what to say cause anything that i can
write sounds trite and meaningless because there is so
much meaningless bullshit floating around its impossible
sometimes to make words sound worth it. but i know theres
nothing i can do, im far away and everything thats tearing
you up is centered all around you, between us. Ive known
you for much longer than 6 months darling, and i like to
think i understand... at least a little bit. and im not
leaving. i dont think your crazy, your no more of a bitch
than this world makes necessary so people wont walk all
over you. You have gotten me through so much because of
all the love you give out. You are orlando, your the
reason i come home. and ill be there in a month. maybe
less. please dont give up hope hun, listen to the doctor
when he has results, and maybe he can fix all the physical
stuff for you. i love you. i know its not enough. im
trying. please tell me if there is anything i can do.
dont shut me out love.