2003-10-14 03:29:09 (UTC)

Should I want more?

I read my runes...again. I really wanted them to say that
it will be alright in the end, you'll see. It said
something else though. They said you're doing great now.
Don't expect too much from yourself in the future, and in
the end you will break your old habits. You will lose
your "I." Isn't this what I wanted? I wanted to be
successsfull. I wanted... too much I guess. The runes gave
me terrific advice. They said, focus on the future and
don't worry about the past. Focus on the present to find
true happiness. This is something I knew. But it's easier
said then done.

I 1/2 broke down the first time I looked at the runes. I
thought they meant the opposite. That I have it good now,
but in the end I will only be deprived of everything.

Now to look at it, it's just what I wanted. I wanted to
kill myself emotionally. Spend so much time in solitude so
that I will lose all light that is shed on me from others,
and find my own light. Whatever color that may be.

I was scared though. Because all light closing in on
itself, that's real scary. I would never know how long to
be in the darkness, and there is always that aspect that I
am never truly alone. There is always my family. To get
away from them I would have to have a stupendous job so I
can move out. But even then I would have to deal with
people at that job. If I would even work at home, I would
have to go out and buy things. I would have to deal with
the supposed niceness of everyday people. Maybe that would
be exactly right. That way I would shed my light on these
people the way "I" do. But jobs like that don't work out,
or are too good to be true. Besides that I need contacts. I
doubt I would go out somewhere and experiance life better
alone. Sure I could observe others that way, and build my
life on the reflections of light that they bestow upon my
eyes. What would that be though? Mere reflections, the
exact thing that I've been trying to avoid would hit me in
the face before I would even know. Therefore I've come to
the conclusion that the true way to experiance life and
develop a true self one must either lose oneself fully.
Pherhaps in the wild abyss of a forest, where civilization
is unknown. (Then again that doesn't really bring much of
my light on society, nor how to deal with it MY way.) The
other would be to go through life with MY group of friends.
That is my society. Whatever I may observe out there, is
not real. It might definately not be me.

"It is better to grow up with my brothers, and sisters,
then spend my whole childhood observing how the other kids
- Wise Dude
(Yes I just made that up. It'll be my new quote for the
today. Or maybe for life. I will be Wise Dude, when