psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
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2003-10-13 18:13:24 (UTC)

am i giving up or am i just giving in?

people are so selfish. i always say "i hate lying more
than anything," or "i hate mean people more than anything,"
but there are SO many things i hate about people, i may as
well leave off the "more than anything."

it all seems a little hopeless when i fail to see how
yelling at me "you are GOING to the doctor," or seeming to
be more concerned with covering one's own ass, or anything
else is supposed to pass as a way of showing the love...
and the only person who seems like she has a grasp on whats
the RIGHT things to say is the one who i cant bring my self
to answer her phone calls. so how fucked up am i.

maybe im just a bitch.

maybe he really is concerned about me and i should
appreciate that rather than getting angry that hes
screaming orders at me at a bad time. maybe she really
isnt doing anything wrong by saying "its not my fault my
phone was off blahblahblah" ... maybe i shouldnt expect her
to see that it was about a whole lot more than her phone
being off at that moment, and appreciate the fact that she
called me at all. maybe i spend too much time
misinterpreting peoples methods that i ignore the meaning
behind them.

or maybe i should just accept the fact that people are GUNA
hurt my feelings, and whether they a.dont know me well
enough to avoid this, or b.dont care enough to avoid this,
which reason doesnt really make a difference because its
going to happen no matter what.


i had another thought this morning at work when i was
talking to matt.. im not ever getting involved with anyone
ever again who doesnt know me for at least 6 months first.
this is why. when i met matt, he wanted me. just like most
of the other people i have been with, there was little time
between meeting and macking and then all of a sudden its a
big surprise "adrienne's a crazy bitch let me out."
richard loved me for years, when i was a bitch, when i was
sweet, when i was with matt, when i was with him, even when
i was with caroline - and he had known me for a long time,
he knew what a wack job i was. ashley and i also had some
time between meeting and dating. and i attribute the fact
that they both have loved me no matter what and had no
problem showing it, to the fact that they knew and really
understood a head of time what they were in for. so from
now on. everyone is on a 6-month probationary period
before they are even considered. let me tell you what an
insane unreasonable needy cunt i can be, then if you still
want to stick around be my guest.

because im tired of feeling like im the bitch, after the
fact. i know that i can be a real bitch, i know i have
unreal expectations of people and that i may need and cling
too much and then push away and then come back crying after
i just tore your heart out - I KNOW THIS,PEOPLE!! its not
NEWS to me. but i dont enjoy it or do it on purpose and
what should really matter is whether or not i love you.
for me, thats enough. which is what i realized yesterday
morning. ashley does fucked up shit, and she can be as
selfish as the next person and as crazy. but she loves
me, even though she knows -i- can be as selfish and crazy
as the next person. and thats what its all about.


i dont know really what im babbling about. all i know is
that im giving in and going to the motherfucking doctor.
even though he wont do shit. i caved this morning when i
could barely stand up and threw up twice and changed my
tampon 3 times before 10 am. i guess shes going with me.
i dont know. i need to get ahold of him and tell him to
fuck off because this morning i told him i was guna go and
i REALLY dont want him with me he's only going to make
things worse and secondly i really dont want him showing up
when shes with me so he needs to put his fucking phone on.

im taking a nap.


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