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2003-10-12 22:22:05 (UTC)

its either love or hate, i cant find in between.

well... id have to say that in general, mixed emotions are
far more unpleasant for me than anything else. this, i
realized, by talking to tammy a lot this weekend, is my
problem with allison. because part of me thinks of all the
ways she can be sweet and all the ways shes so lost inside
that confident exterior, and i want to give her the biggest
hug ever...and i miss the nights she would tuck me into bed
and kiss my head and we'd wake up and have our coffee and
clove on our cute little bench outside our cute little
house...but at the same time i think of what a selfish,
spoiled, inconsiderate, heartless bitch she is and i want
to punch her in the fucking face and never see her again.

its the same reason that i cant stand being around my
father. because he makes me so sad, because he CAN be a
sweet old dork, and mainly because it's so fucking
pathetic, he has nothing to show for his life except two
fucked up children and a wife who hates him and he's
miserably dying day by day and it makes me want to cry for
him, i walk in on him in the garage sobbing sometimes
because she has screamed at him over something and i feel
so bad for him, but then i think of the moments i wish
more than anything could be erased from my memory that i
still swear are a dominant reason for how fucked up i am,
and it infuriates me to the point that i could literally
KILL him... and its so hard. id rather just hate someone
than have these sorts of confused feelings.

which leads me to one reason i am so fucked up beyond
belief right now.. i should not have made that trip. yes,
i had a blast with tammy and sebastien, when i could push
everything out of my mind for a minute or two, we were
cracking up the whole time, we drove up to tallahassee at
2 am friday after we got to gainesvile, the pride
conference was awesome, we had sushi at my little place i
used to go up there, tammy and i had an soy ice cream party
and a few good talks, she gave me the best massage i've
ever had ever until sebastien interrupted me, the three of
us had a lot of laughs and good times... but i wish i had
not gone. all the rest of it was too much for me right
now, i have done very well the last couple of weeks,
working and studying my ass off and keeping my thoughts
bottled up and my razors in a box, to make a stupid trip
that fucking threw me right back down in the fucking

first the fact that naturally the two selfproclaimed "most
important" people in my life wasted no time to piss all
OVER my fucking parade beginning 30 minutes after i left
the house friday night... i almost threw the phone out the
fucking window onto I-4. i should have.

then the fact that through the conference (which was so
interesting and i really was looking foward to) i was
changing my tampon every 35-45 minutes because that much
blood is STILL gushing out of me and my uterus and head
were in the worst pain i've had in quite awhile...

now i dont like large groups of people. there were like 50-
60 people at that house saturday night. i dont like being
introduced to people i dont like strange people kissing me
when i walk down the hall i dont like people hitting on me
i dont like making conversation with people.. i dont like

then allison was a real bitch to the three of us the whole
time, which im not even getting into because i decided i
dont give half of a shit... as stated above i am doing my
best to avoid mixed emotion situations.

being in the house though, and with my cats and the
purpleness and this place that i made perfect with her in
an attempt to save myself from the twisted bullshit that is
my life, well it was a little bit unnerving as i
suspected... i didnt expect it to be a montage of things
however that were going to make me want to slit my fucking
wrists right there in my old pink bathroom while 10 people
waited in line at the bathroom door. i didnt think the
bitch was going with her to miami but apparently i was
wrong because for 3 days she has not had a chance to call
me back or text me back or anything as if THAT WASNT
friday night i realized that i dont need to be piss drunk
to want to call her and tell her how much she means to me.
and last night i realized that it DOESNT FUCKING MATTER.

im not getting into the ashley thing because its not worth
it... im more unstable than i thought. i thought i had
gotten better than this. im not going to let go of her over
it, i thought about it when i woke up this morning and
started cleaning that bitch's trashed house for her... and
i could have. im not proud of the fact but i -could- have
sat there with my coffee and cigarette this morning and
ignored her until she drove away. but i didnt want to, i
spoke, for once, maybe because i wanted her to realize that
she hurt me last night, or maybe because i have been so
happy to have her in my life and didnt want that to change,
i dont know.

"guna love you til i die." and i love her no matter what,
although im starting to believe that that is the biggest
mistake i make in my life and the worst habit of all...

because if someone who knows me as well as she does, and
understands me better than -anyone- else, did not
understand exactly what was the very LAST straw of my
fucked up evening, well then. i dont see any reason to
explain ANYTHING about myself to ANYONE ever again.

she's the only person who understands so many things about
me and last night when i was right on the edge of falling
back into feeling like shit again, she was the last person
i expected to push me over. and then tried to act like she
didnt understand why. i have not in a very long time felt
as completely unloved as i have felt since last night.

all of a sudden i realized. that there were 60 people
around me. and only one of which really knows me. who
claimed to drive up there just to see me and i felt like
was there because i needed her. and these all suddenly
felt like complete misconceptions. she doesnt know me at
all if shes walking away from me right now, she doesnt know
me at all if she doesnt understand whats wrong, and she
wasnt there to see me.. *that* was made very clear, very
suddenly. and then in my drunken heart broken daze, it all
fell into place...

misconceptions. delusional. unrealistic expectations of
shit that is never going to fucking happen. no one will
ever understand me and love me once they know me, who i am
and who i can be. carolines not going to leave the
bitch. matthew's not going to wake up one day and show how
much he cares about me. allison didnt give a shit about me
or what was best it was all about the money. no matter
what i try to do to help my mother out i will never be more
than a disappointment to her. claudia was there but not
for me, because she has time for shit like that but never
for me anymore. carolines not going to leave the bitch.

and in the middle of a crowd of about 59 people too many,
i felt more alone, more empty and more hopeless than i have
in a very long time.