An inconcluded life
"hi you" - Well, hello..
- Well, hello beautiful
"did u check ur email?"
- it says I dont have any
"oh..." "hmm... ok"
- it says..server too busy
"oh then u should have an email from me"
- did u hear about the maliantes on the run in Cocoli...?
or...the family in Balboa who had their heads chopped
"no, i did not hear or read about it... whappin?"
- it's happenin' right now
"yeah i read about the balboa family... they were
- the maliantes escaped into cocoli
"where did they escape from?"
- its on the news, right now, im on
"ok i see; i wait"
- soo... there are these maliantes on the run...
"yeah.. they should catch them and kill them"
-that;s my favorite face
"yeah, it says a lot and it says nothing at the same time"
-I've been practicing it in the mirror
"hahahaha u have????"
"I'd love to see it... anyways... i need to talk to you"
-i want to be able to make it really fast...a quick
-ok...let me have it..give it to me straight...
-let 'er rip...drop the chalupa
-spill the beans
"ok ok ok i got it...good before I say anything... cuz i
don't want to be here talking por gusto...u gotta tell me
"be downright with ur answer."
-I tells you somsin'
"do u still wanna be my p-bf?"
"just yes or no. easy answer."
"no explanations needed"
"i try very hard but can't interpret that face."
-of course i do sweetie
"ok then i can continue"
"no no.. no uh oh"
"ok... u ready?"
-let me take a seat
"yes, better if u sit and focus"
-ok, im ready
"I know I've been acting really weird these past few days.
"but the thing is that I have been going through really
really tough days full of a lot of pressure coming from
many different sides."
"and i am sorry if this has influenced on us."
"it has not been my intention to make you feel bad or
guilty, and I know I've made u feel like that."
"So I really apologize from deep inside my heart."
"The thing is that well I sat down last night and I wrote
this email to you explaining everything but it seems like u
have not gotten it...so i will make a long story short. I
have very strong feelings for you Jimmy, but I must state
clearly that my feelings for you are of "gran cariño"...
opposed to "amor de te amo"... and I really need to know
that you understand that.
"yes or no? i dont understand that face!"
"please help me out"
-what are you getting at..?
"before i can continue... i need to know that u understand
my feelings. if u do not understand them then u must let
"ok as in ok i understand or ok as in no, i dont
-ok, I'm not exactly sure what's goin' on
"i have not told u yet"
"i need to know if u understand"
-just..let me hear it straight
"i cant unless i know that u understand how i feel for you"
-i see...another quandry
"quandry? no quandry!"
"i just need to know that u understand, otherwise anything
I say will not make sense"
-ok..i no comprende
"can i say it in spanish?if u dont understand then u tell
-dime puest, vost
"ok Jimmy, yo te tengo un cariño muy grande, mas no es
amor de amar. Es un cariño muy especial que no se siente
por cualquier persona."
-dime lo que vost tenais que decir
"Y bueno, yo sé que te he hecho pasar malos momentos en
los últimos días con mi modo de actuar. Solamente quiero
pedirte disculpas por ello.Y quiero decirte que a pesar de
todo, pase lo que pase, mis sentimientos hacia tí no han
cambiado. Y puedo entender que te hayas sentido presionado
o estresado por mi forma de actuar. Pues la verdad, esa no
era mi intención. El problema es que he tenido unos dias
muy dificiles tanto en casa como en el trabajo y en varias
cosas distintas que no me han salido bien. Y el asunto es
que tengo miedo. mucho miedo. Entonces sin quererlo,
transferí ese miedo a mi relación contigo, y esa no era mi
intención. No quise presionarte para nada. Lo que quiero
decirte es que te prometo que no te voy a molestar con eso
de vernos hasta que llegue el momento preciso. Necesito
que confíes en mi y que entiendas que eso es lo que voy a
hacer. no te voy a presionar ni preguntar bobadas. Pero a
cambio te pido algo. Me estás siguiendo?"
"entiendes lo que te digo hasta ahora?"
"bien..necesito tu ayuda, necesito dos cosas de ti."
"1. tu confianza 2. tu paciencia"
"quiero saber si tu puedes darme eso."
"eso es un si o un no?"
"o sea que no sabes si puedes ayudarme?"
-es que...estoy acostumbrado a tener los pedazos de
plywood por si acaso...
-siempre vivo con ese miedo
"miedo de mi?"
"pero por que?hasta ahora no te he probado que me puedo
portar bien y que no haria nada para perderte?"
-porque..no te conosco..no se de lo que eres capaz
-asi que, siempre estoy nervioso contigo
"en serio? estas hablando en serio?"
"que puedo hacer para que no te sientas asi?"
"es que no quiero que te sientas asi porque yo lo percibo
y las cosas no van a seguir bien si te sientes asi."
"tu kieres que las cosas entre nosotros funcionen?"
"o sea, quieres que funcionen?"
-eso es la cosa..
"what's the thing?"
-tu idea de "funcionar" es diferente de la de mi
-pero, tu no piensas que es importante esplicarta de tus
"oh si! claro que si"
- "no me preguntes yimi" me dices
"no entendi eso can u say it in english/"
-sure..Since I haven't a clue as to what it is you're
feeling, and you don't want to open up...
I live in fear and anxiety as to what you are feeling
because I don't want to step on you emotions or
feelings..because you act tough, yet you are very ragile...
but..you don't open up
"yes, i know. deep inside i am very fragile but i act
tough because that's the only way i can avoid being hurt. "
-you don't s'plain to yimi what u are feeling
"it is hard for me to explain sometimes and sometimes i am
not sure if you want to know i feel confused cuz i dont
know what you are thinking or what are your expectations
"i feel that my hands are tied behind me. "
-you keep me at arm's length...yet...you want more intimacy
but... I have to be at arm's length
"no, you don't have to be at arm's lenght."
-well, maybe you don't realize what you are doing...
"I wish we could be closer that what we are."
-you push me away
"I don't want to push you away you see. "
-to keep me at arm's length
"I am scared, very scared. and I don't know what to do.
I am scared because a moment can't go by without me
thinking of you."
-you know..if you push a puppy away...he just keeps coming
back...push a grown dog away
"and scared because I feel that you have so many other
things to think about that you don't care about anything I
have to say."
-you don't have to do it too often before that dog stays
"I don't want you away from me.yet I feel that every day
that goes by you just push yourself farther and farther."
- it has nothing to do with patience or feelings...it has
everything to do with conditioning I don't push myself
I get pushed
"i feel u do and u feel i push you away can u tell me how
i push you away?just one example?
"(i'm a teacher, i work with examples... sorry)"
-1) Subject A has feelings of anxiety towards meeting new
people. Subject B knows this, yet does not try to make
Subject A feel comfortable, in belief that things will
"yes I understand that.and I am sorry i have made u feel
"the truth is and really, truth... i thought you were
kidding about the anxiety thing that is why i kept on and
on. but after saturday, i figured out that in fact it is
true.it is hard for me to understand, but i understand
that it is true and that it is not just an excuse.
-so..there is one question left to ask yourself..
"yes, i am willing to give you the time necessary for you
to feel comfortable. even if it is after january."
-is Yimi the guy you have made him out to be...?
"yes, he is. but i need for yimi to know that for nothing
on this world i would do something to make him feel worse
than he already feels. Yimi, I would never appear
unannounced in your house. "
"I would never spy on you. I do need to hug you and feel
you, but I can wait"
-hey...did you know the Bugli has a problem too..?
"what do u mean?"
-She worries what total strangers think of her
"u worry about that too"
-Well, not as bad as the Bugli...I'll give u an example
The Bugli really, really does not like to buy smokes
because she's afraid of what people will think of her
-nope..but..I drove her to buy some stuff for my
mother..and I asked her to buy some smokes and she was
acting really wierdo on me.
"hehehe it's like teenagers not wanting to buy femenine
pads cuz they don't want others to think they have gotten
-finally...I almsot had to beat it out of her with a
-she also doesn't like shopping in crowded stores
"does she go with her colorful dress?"
"well she needs 2 go out more so she gets used 2 ppl
looking at her. anyways..."
-she has anxieties about riding with me in the car because
she's afraid that people will think hanky panky
-so in the end...
"i have anxiety of her being aroudn u. around"
-The Bugli has some serious complexes...
"yes, she does..."
-but..I can beat them out of her with a newspaper...and I
can't with you
-you have to be willing to share
"you see, i worry about you and other women, even though
you have not given me tangible reasons to have doubts
about you, I still worry and I am scared to death that
suddenly you meet someone and forget about me. You get my
-man..u type fast
-Well, u need not worry about the Bugli
"right!not about the bugli but what about the colombians?
and what about the neighbors?"
-I've already scrubbed her down...
"and what about the colon city mamas?"
-Well, I'm not going for any Colombians...because...even
though they are pretty, and very loving...and they really
show affections...they are still just cheap whores
"you see... they get to spend time with you... they get to
see you. and if they were not whores, then at least one
would have a chance with you.then here i am with my hands
tied to my back not being able to be with you."
-See.. thats where ure wrong you have gotten to know me
"I know, I know, but i tell you, my mind will not stop
-sure, these Colombians have run their fingers through my
hair...and touched my face...
"i get a feeling of like worms eating inside my guts just
thinking about it... now you telling me makes me feel
-put their arms around me...hehehe
"no more details plase. please. "
-See...one of them is a haridresser, and I got a haircut
"whatever, she still gets to touch you. they have their
-I normally go to Diablo
"they want to stay here in Panama and the only way of
doing it legally is getting a Panamanian husband. so they
try wherever they can to catch one. I know them!"
-u do..? is Judy one..?
"they're just like the ones from dominican republic. no"
-is that how Judy got u..?oh..ok
"she didn't get me. she is my friend. i dont go for women.
i like men only."
"you're a man, i like you. "
-i see say... can I take un small break por favor..?
"what do u mean?"
-You tengo que go and see un hombre about un perro...
"hehehe you gotta pee?"
"hehehe ok I wait"
"huh?welcome back....what is a/s/l"
-Age Sex Location
"oh 32 F panama"
"how did it go?"
-that was from the old Napster days
-I miss Napster a lot but..it was an antiquated way of
getting music and especially movies
"sooooo, you get my point? you think that we can work out
things between us? "
-I may have to get the newspaper ready.. I didn't want to
"i promise u wont have 2 use it. "
"i promise!" so, todavía me quieres?"
-si, y tu?
"yo también. te quiero mucho."
-todavia eres mi phone g/f..?
"hehe ... claro que si"
-mi phone (ah-hem) slave...?
"HAHAHAHAHAHA u embarass me!"
- hehe sorry... embarrass myself sometimes
"we all do"
"do u have to go to colon again today or is that it for
today's road trips?"
-hmm.I think that's it but.. I have a lot of reading
"I'm gonna go to the Gamboa bridge to make a wish... u
wished for pizza and u got it!!!"
-I have to make a presentation next week i know..!
"a presentation of what?"
-well, a business plan
-I'm not sure these guys are taking me serious
"hey what ever happened with the presentation of the house
on the water?"
-ok..I told you that there are a variety of gringoes and
myself who are quai railroad workers quasi* well...they
"no u didn't"
-Yes..I did..that most gringoes who are working here are
contractors without contracts well...
"aaaaahhh cappisce yes"
-there's a problem...we all need jobs and now..Ive adopted
"ur dad works as a contractor?"
-well..he's adopted me. nope...he's in there..
"which one adopted u?"
-Well, I wish it was the "man"
"did ur dad retire from the PCC or was he in the RIF?"
-he retired, took the bonus
"was that a good move?"
-of course, look at him now he hated PCC
"so many ppl want to work there and he hates it. "
-well..see, my father is a different story He is THE
world's expert on communications
"why isn't he working for bellsouth or cable?"
-in his field. because.. any idiot can do that
-but...my father is really humble he likes projects
soo..the railroad was the perfect step for him he was
offered jobs everywhere but..he likes Panama a lot
too much my father is like a genius he sense of logic is
"wait got a student visting"
-kick their butt kick it, make them cry
"hehehe hes gone. was ur dad born here?"
"how did he end up here?"
-but..he's spent most his life here. military
-he was on his way to Vietnam
"just like my dad, but my dad did go to vietnam
then he returned"
-so did mine
"he had his family here already"
-but, not in "the field
"neither my dad... my dad was the kitchen person hehehe,
-hehe, i see
"my dad was like the best cook in life."
"then he came back and met my mom"
"yeah i guess...they got into their mess and here we are,
my bro and me."
-yeap hanky panky
"hahahahahaha yes. hanky panky"
"he was my mom's boss"
-man..maybe one of these days ill be the boss
"hmmm....so u can hp with secretaries or assistants?"
"that was her first job"
"she was 18 when they met"
"he was 40"
-aya yai..! now...talk about serious hp...now
"i know, they hung out for a few years"
-I'd be a compared to that
"and when she was 24 when she had my bro u know, she
couldn't keep on waiting so she had himand then 2 yrs.
later she had me."
"so I am my dady's last child (the 9th one)"
"with my mom is just my bro and me."
- couldn't he control himself..?
"hehehehe maybe not"
-did he make THAT much money to have 9 kids..?
-as a cook..?
"he's not rich but i don't remember being hungry"
-man..what happened after you...?
"there was always food at home. after me? well, I was the
-did someone tie a rubberband around his..(ah-hems)..?
"hehehehe no...i dunno... i guess he was just
-why is that..?
"well, i wasn't what they were expecting i guess. but moms
are never disappointed. no matter what only dads are
-no they are not
"yeah they are."
"he still is. did i tell u he came home on saturday and
"yeh, not even then could we have a civilized
conversation. he always wants to bring out the worst of
"it's o.k. I'm used to it. but well, I guess I satisfied
my mother. she wanted me to spend my b/day with him. she
still loves him. and he loves her only that he has this
awfully weird way of loving her back. yeah. kind of
difficult u know."
-loving her where..?
- yeah..i know
"loving her back not her back as in possesive her ass
"but to love her back hehehehe u k now!
-oh.. I was going to say maybe we had something in
-loving her backside...but...im an idiot...sorry
"not idiot! hehehe just that i did not know how to say it!
and i was knowing that u understood that."
"her backside, she has a big backside"
"he loved it heheheh"
-hehe did he...
"loves it still"
-make love to it..?
"i dont know... maybe he did?there's a video of my sweet
15 party where he was drunk and they were trying to get a
picture of us 3...and you can clearly see when he has his
hand on her backside and she is trying to move away then
he says something to her ear"
"and it is so funny!"
"so i don't know eh... I've never asked her. hehehehehe
don't think I'd have the guts to. "
- one moment
-hehe well well
-who'd of known...?
-well, that they were...u know...
"i have not said they were!I said i dont know.
-well, well but...the backside runs in the family
"ur asking me or telling me?"
"well i guess it does... u know
Once i was in the supermarket with my mom and she met this
ex boyfriend of hers nd he said hi! and he told her right
there in front of me"es igualita a ti... el mismo cuerpo
con el mismo nalgatorio que tenias tu"
"so i guess it does run in the family"
"anyways... what's the story, watcha doing?"
-hmm.. I'm trying to hack into Windows
"how? and with what purpose?"
-the "find" or "search" function is a lifesaver in windows
-it can help you find anything on your computer
"oh yes! anything it can even find Kiara and JIm!"
"how old were u there?"
"which one is the latest one?"
-the one with the beer
"in the one with kiara u look young and innocent hehehehe"
-I am that way
"no ur not"
"on the one with the beer u have this look!"
"oh yeah... like... get close and i'll get u"
-hehe I'm actually a really nice guy, I wouldnt hurt a fly
"i know ur a really nice guy, that's why i like u so much
-I have my bad parts
"i know that too but i guess i can learn to cope with them
not everything can be good"
-yeap, I guess not too many people can cope with "only"...
"heheheheheheh that's true u know... there must be a
balance! this and that, not this OR that"
-i know.. thats why I'm having trouble finding the one
"really? does "the one" only have to want "this" and
not "this and that? tell me"
"ur answer will tell me if i am qualified to be the one or
not. so tell me yes or no. no intermediate."
"ok then i must remove my application with you. I mean, I
am applying to be "the one" but if that is one of
the requirements, then I guess I don't fill the position
requirements. so why keep my application with you?"
"i dont understand that face, explain me!"
- Well, it's your decision te remove yourself from
consideration...although I was hoping you wouldn't
"u see?, how can I apply if I don't qualify?, I mean, I am
willing to accept this AND that not this OR that
"ur saying that it only has to be this only. aren't u
willing to reconsider?
"it is very very hard to find a woman only willing to
adhere to the ONLY policy I am willing to this AND that i
am more broad! that should count!"
-yes i know
"so would u reconsider the requirements?"
-i'll have to take the reconsideration under consideration
"no way! tha can't be! I mean, you have to be reasonable."
"u wanna have kids? then u MUST consider the AND policy...
if u keep the ONLY policy then u won't have kids."
"then?... it's AND right?"
-well..id be willing to consider to a "mostly"
"right... mostly is fine, that lies within the AND category
not ONLY mostly means there is a disbalance but there are
still 2 choices. that is good."
"as long as you keep the 2 choices open and give attention
to both... but if u give all ur attention to 1 only...
then that is not so good
-i like.."primarily" too
"what is the difference between mostly and primarily?"
-i dunno but, i like it
"i think they're both the same."
"so mostly and primarily is fine... they both give space
-o h ok
"so do we both accept the terms? we don't limit to ONLY...
we accept the AND clause including primarily and mostly
-sounds like a wiener
"wiener? how is that?"
-hehe its a winner
"so my application remains in its place... please make a
visible signal that shows that I accept the AND clause and
reject the ONLY clause."
-ok I have it signed..i need for u to go the the arrocha
and get it notarized on two legal sized copies..
"me? u notarize it.. I sign"
-I need to turn one into the state
"u notarize it"
-one copy for your self.., one for the Junta Communal
"the original for u, hahahahahaha the junta comunal needs
not to know"
-oh yeah.., I need also to have a copy sent to the
-and to the alcaldia
"everyone needs to find out about our intimate moments???"
-aren't you proud..? I am
"I am proud but it is only between you and me. it is our
little special intimate moment only ours"
-I'm going to have an anuncia printed right next to the
weddings in the Critica
-with our pics
"not the critica! u have this thing with the Critica!
I'm sure ur an avid reader!"
"what will u have written on the announcement?"
- Resident of so and so, a highscool profesor with the
Colegio de Los Gringos
"hahahahaha!!! this is not colegio de los gringos"
-has agreed to a contract, stating "primarily" and "mostly"
here is Yimi () pictured in this undated publicity foto
after hearing the news of the "primarily" contract
"hehehehe... so is that all the announcement says?
agreed to a contract stating "primarily and mostly"?
-well...and you know...
"i know... but i wanna know if that will come out on the
"word it out for me please"
"I need to approve it"
- "primarily" _n_l
"you are going to write that out on the announcement?????"
"no no no!! that is ours" for us to share!! u and i only"
- hehe, they're gonna know
"let them imagine"
-hey..send me that foto
-the one of u in the red shirt, i want to see ure hair
"it's me on the "ICECREAM" weekend. my hair?"
-uh oh...ice cream lets see it
"I thought I'd sent it 2 u"
-aya yai.., I must go after this foto
Transfer is complete.
"that was the weekend in santa clara, i was sick with the
-wow...u have a fast connection...no..?
"yep. fast. T1"
-who's that guy with u..?
"it's not a guy!"
"it's the other history teacher"
-I was going to say.. u two make a very cute couple
"i wouldn't appreciate u sending me pics of u with another
- hehe. Heeey..
- you're not as black as I thought you would be
-you made your self out to be very dark
"well ... u said u've seen me b-4 u should know how black
i am i mean compared to my parents who are both like
-I prefer to use the term "negro"
"same thing. u like my hair?"
"it's longer on the back"
-it's not as bad as you made it out to be
"that means u've actually not seen me!"
-why is that..?
"cuz it's bad!"
-noo...noo! you have normal hair!! bad..now..I've seen bad
"nono... it gets fluffy!"
-I go to Colon everyday, I´ve used Bruhlcream
"hahahaha! wait i send u another one. there u can see my
chombo hair better and my horrible smile
Transfer is complete.
-man...that is chombo
-im teasing..u have beautiful hair..just as I suspected
"thank u but u dont need 2 b polite"
-I wish my hair had been soo nice
"you hair was BEAUTIFUL!!!!"
-my hair would turn kind of like the afro grey color
- oh yeah
"it looked beautiful on the pictures, beautiful!
-well, not in panama
"aahhhh humidity is one hell of a killer u know."
- and the sun
"that's why my hair gets all fluffy! cuz of the humidity!
I hardly take sun"
-the sun turned my hair bright red! say listen..I must go
I have a patient waiting... u know..?
-I'll call you later
I have a patient waiter..I meant
"oh ok i see u tonight cuz i am goint 2 work in a few
-ok...dame un besito y vamonost vost
" mmmuuuakkkkssssss" talk 2 u tonight"
-portate bien...no hp
"take care and think about me. hehehe"