Rainey

Mien Kompf
2003-10-11 03:10:26 (UTC)

Dont want to

Today was an ok say for me. I was up alot earlier than I
usualy am. My father had called me saying that he was ok.
That he wasnt drinking anymore. That makes me happy that he
stopped. I am angerd though. I am tired of this. I dont like
it when he does this to my family. I dont like it when he
fucks with my moms head.
He has been doing so for a good year now. My mother wants a
divorce now. But, he still bothers her. He hurts her and
makes her cry. He blames all of his shit on her. Even if its
NOT her fault. He blames her for anything you can think of.
For all I know he blames her for not taking a proper shit @
night. I see how it affects her. She never used to drink,
but I have seen her drinking more frequently when I talk
with her. I worry. I see the pain in her eyes. I help her
and I support her as much as I can.
My father also manipualtes her into doing things she doesnt
want to. Then she does them whith a heaviness in her chest.
I get so angry with my father..but I dont say. This is where
the silent horsey in me comes out..I feel like beating him
sensless, shoving his face into the ground..telling him
"Look @ what you do to her!" But, I know thats not right. I
love my father, but my love for my father doesnt cloud my
vision on WHO and WHAT he is. I know him. I have all my
life.
He left my mother with all of the families debts. 14,000$
worth of debt..in credit cards ect.(I also have a little
brother who is only 5 years old!) I cry @ the thought of
it..I feel her pain, her worry..just like its mine. She told
me today, how she worries about paying her bills. She was up
@ 3:30 a.m. worrying. She's not one to do that. She always
is able to sleep well. She was asking me what she can sell
of hers to pay the bills.
That got me into thinking....Maybe I can do a fund raiser
for her..maybe not something big...like 15 grand or
anything, but maybe a little something to help her out. I
dont have any ideas on what I could do..but I am thinking. I
was wondering how she would feel if I surprised her with
some money for her bills! I think she would like that.
My older brother had talked with me today, I dont
understand him. What my father was doing to him while we
were all growing up really FUCKED him up ROYALLY! So now he
is negative..He is very angry...and now he is getting
depressed. I worry about him. He isnt always mean..but he
can sy some hurtful things to my mom and I. He said
somethings to me earlier. But, eh...I guess thats just him.
Like I was saying he isnt always mean to me or my mom. But
he's got alot on his shoulders. I guess. He DOESNT HAVE to
be mean or anything, he CAN get some help..But, he doesnt.
What he did say to me did hurt. I did tell him that. I didnt
respond in the best way, I asked him: "Why do you have to be
"So goddamned hurtful" An argument only escilated from there
on out. I stopped saying anything. Then it ended as quickly
as it started.
My father has a mistress of course...thats why he left my
mother. He sometimes blames it on her; why he left...then
denies that he left for this mistress. Then says it is
becuse my mom was NEVER enough fot him, that she wasnt the
love of his life ect. I cannot believe that man some times.
Ugh, geez. What a fucking man to say that to my mom. Ugh.
Asshole.
But, back to the subject, this uh mistress I have talked
to her before. Not because I wanted to...but because my
father decided to crawl into the bottle..and she knew what
was going on..she only lives with him. So..she ended up
telling me what their whole relationship/story was about. I
dont want to know this. I could careless! Infact it sickens
me to know what she told me. Ugh, disgusting! Ugh, what
bullshit! I mean how can a man and a mistress live like they
do? Fuckin A!
My love called me. The conversation was ok. He told me his
mother DOESNT have cervical canvcer. She had gotten a
seconsd opionion. Now, their all ok now. My lover isnt
fucked emotionaly, nor is the "step" dad, or the "mother".
Their all ok. That makes me mad.And it hurts!Selfish?...YES!
Because it was ok..for him to lash out @ me like that?! NO!
But, yes I love him, so I guess I took it in the ass? I dont
know. I dont know.
All of this has the same effect. Tears. Tears, tears tears.
I dont know why. But, tears. Frusterated tears. Ugh, I feel
like chewing on a piece of metal. Or some glass shards.
I had gotten my tounge pierced on Saturday, but I had to
take it out. It was healing the wrong way. Whoops! Lost
30$.
Oh well. It was worth it. When it heals, I'll have it
re-pierced. *sobs* tears tears tears. And more tears!
Make love not war.




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